Feeling discusting

When I was younger I was very promiscuous. I would participate in sex frequently in a very casual manner as though it was nothing. As I think about my past now I become more ashamed of myself, its as though i'm coming outside of myself and seeing myself in a very unfavorable way. I feel regretful in general and I am seeing myself as a dirty and ugly slag who isn't worthy. I know i shouldn't feel this way but I can't seem to help it. I gained quite a reputation as a slag when i was younger but I can't seem to just remove it as a part of myself. I feel I have lost respect form a lot of people and these insults related to my old sex life really hurt. What really makes me feel disgusted with myself is that once during this period some guy came up to me and started fingering me. I did not want this to happen I wasn't remotely attracted to this person, a part of me disliked him even and would not want sexual contact with him. I hated the way he was looking at me and made me feel Its as though I could feel his creepy intentions. As i walked away from the group I was with at the time he came up to me and took me away and then started fingering me. I was drunk out of my face, I hated his touch but I felt as though I couldn't say no, I felt stuck and trapped for some reason and every time I think of it i'm so angry at myself that I didn't say no and tell him to go away. I hate myself for it and feel so guilty. When people found out I did this I was branded a slag and it turned out he had a girlfriend which made people really mad at me and wanting to beat me up ect. That's a main issue, I can't seem to set myself boundaries and say no to people. Its as though sometimes when i have had sex with people I had wanted to do it but there was something outside of me that was screaming for me to stop even though I have wanted to. I continued to have sex with people willingly. However as my reputation was at my lowest, a good friend told me to stop doing what I was doing and I was lucky to have them be brutally honest and practically forced me to stop drinking so much and going out having casual sex. However, there have been periods where i have reverted into old habits. Long story short, I feel as though i'm trapped being like this because its happened so many times even though i hate myself afterwards. Its as though i'm stuck in a cycle where I feel disgusted and ashamed and then have sex to feel better. I'm beginning to realize this is not how i should be towards sex and I really dont want to be like this anymore. I guess I just need some support.

I'm really sorry that you feel horrible about all of this..

I know that a lot of people who have been abused have a lot of the same experiences and feelings as you and you're not disgusting or dirty and you're certainly not a slag..

Simply someone that like many of us here has had a lot of difficulty in feeling that it's okay to say no to people.
The issue here is that when you're abused, you end up feeling that your body isn't yours.. and you accept people touching it when you'd rather they didn't because that's what you were shown your worth was in.

You are good enough and you are clean.
You just got caught in a pattern that wasn't ever yours to be caught up in and shouldn't have been given to you..

I need to say though that if you did take home 10 different sexual partners in a week.. a day even, as long as both of you were okay and happy with the situation, that's absolutely okay.
But you're not happy so right now, it's not okay.
I'm glad your friend cares about you enough to tell you to stop hurting yourself like this.. she could clearly see that it was harming you and it's rare to find a friend like that.

Why do you do it with these people.? is it because for a short time you feel wanted and cared for.?
I can understand that one.

Please don't blame yourself for what happened with the guy who had a girlfriend.. you didn't know at the time and you should absolutely not be blamed because he's a moron.. that's for his conscience to work through.

xx