Letter to My Now Dead Abuser (Daddy)

This is a letter I wrote to my deceased abusive father. My father died in 2000 of lung cancer. I am now, 46 but as you will see I always called him “Daddy” I never matured to the “dad” or “father”. My therapist told me to write him a letter and it did help. I just thought I might share it.

Dear Daddy,
You shocked me Daddy. You had me confused. Since I only visited you once a year during the summer and you were my real one and only Daddy I would ever have; and boy did I love you, why did you do this?

That first night it happened I was asleep and the pain awakened me. I’m guessing you felt my body tense up; so you quit and got off my bed. Then 2 nights later you started again. Once again I awoke with a start. This time I faked sleep and rolled over away from you on the bed. This is there the confusion really set in. Because I didn’t know the rules of a father, I wasn’t sure if you weren’t doing a duty all fathers perform. I knew about child molestation already, but I was not sure that applied to fathers, I was so young. After you left my bed and you went to bed that night I woke up one of my step-sisters; which you raised full time. I pulled her into the bathroom with me and told her what happened. She just looked at me and shook her head knowingly. You had apparently been doing this to both my step-sisters for a long time.

That is when it hit me! Daddy you molested me. There was no so called “duty”. I may only have been a young girl but I knew right then and there that what you did was wrong; and it would never never ever happen again.

I quit going to sleep before you. Then the situation changed to different offenses. I remember walking by the kitchen table you were sitting at and I had on a tube top. You told me to lift it up so that you could see how my breasts were maturing. I adamantly and strongly denied your request. You just seemed to laugh like it was a joke. I was wary every day of you for the rest of your life. However, amazingly even at that young age I felt empowered that I did not take the abuse any more. But I still loved you, you were my Daddy.

During the next 20 years I had set my boundaries and kept them. But, during those 20 years I waited for an apology. Over the years I only told a few very very close trusting friends.
Then you got sick Daddy. I couldn’t leave your side and stayed 24/7 at ICU. My friends who knew the secret questioned my loyalty. I kept getting told that I owed you nothing. But you see Daddy; I loved you still all along. During those last few days, I thought just maybe the apology would come. It never did, even when you knew you were going to die.

I’ll never forget when the day came that you asked me to unplug the machines and let you go. We both expressed our love for one another and I did as you asked and then crawled up in bed with you and held you till you died.

I know you did wrong and I know you know it too. But I always did and will love you. And I know you loved me.

If I hadn’t empowered myself so soon after the incident, I don’t believe we would have had the lifelong love for each other. I believe the fact that you did not say sorry upset me more than the abuse. I didn’t realize your death would affect me so much, since you were mean and abusive.

But I love you and miss you Daddy.

That is a really good letter. I am sure it was hard to write. I am so sorry for what happened to you and the fact that he didn't apologize.

Did writing the letter help you to feel better?

Yes writing this letter did help. Although it did bring back the anger I have in not getting an apology. How many people get the chance to know that they are going to die and someone you love is right there. Wouldn't you want them to know that your sorry for ever hurting them and that you love them.???????? I mean what a perfect opening! Then your off to 'Never Never Land"

I am glad it helped. My therapist suggested I do that, but I never did (it wasn't to my father; I can't say I cared for the person who did what he did to me). But it is something to think about.

I am so sorry he didn't apologize. My guess is that maybe he thought you didn't remember or that what he did wasn't a big deal. Maybe to him it wasn't, though clearly to you it was. I am so sorry! (((HUGS)))

I'm really sorry about what happened to you and i'm glad you wrote the letter..

Perhaps ''Never Never Land'' is where he was before he went..

Many abusers never admit to or apologise for what they did - I think that perhaps the act of opening their mouths to speak about their actions is too difficult for them because if they do, they'll have to take on the responsibility and guilt for their actions..

Perhaps your father couldn't apologise because ignoring what he'd done was far easier for him..


You're a lovely and kind person for staying and taking care of your father.. i'm truly sorry that the sorry you deserved didn't come.

xx

Wow, that's powerful.