Arousal During Rape- 1 Thing No one wants to talk about (TW)

TRIGGER WARNING


No one wants to talk about it happening. It's Too Much.

I Don't Want To Talk About It!
I Don't!
I Don't!!
I Don't!!!

But Right now, On this page I Will...

( Bear with me. I have some learning disablities whichs makes it hard to explain things. My thoughts might go off, where it might be a little hard to follow.
And It's an extremely difficult topic to talk about, which will make it worse.)


Trigger Warning

I'm not exactly sure where to start...

It's hard to say because it hurts.
I've never truely come out and said it.

I don't think most people want to know. People don't even want to think about the fact that Kids (or anyone) get sexually abused. They don't want to believe it happens, Because I mean just think about. It's HORRIBLE and about a thousand other things.
Alot of people might think well for it to be abuse then it must have hurt, That if you responed to it, then it must not be abuse, that you liked it... and So on...

Well...
I guess,I'll talk about my experience...

I was just about 3 when a male family member started touching me. He's someone I loved and was close to. Of course when you're a little kid you don't know any better, you don't know right from wrong, unless someone teachs you. If an Adult tells you it's okay, then it must be. So I never did anything. He told me it was okay and it never hurt when he touched me. In Fact... He always made it feel good. So if it didn't hurt and he said it was okay then why should I do anything?
At first all he did was touch me, and he give me baths, clean me. Then He started putting he's fingers inside me. Which it did hurt. But Again, he still made it feel good, even if it did hurt. He'd have me take showers with him and he'd clean me outside and Inside. I still never did anything, never said no or tired to stop him or anything.

When I 5, He raped me for the First time. It WAS EXCRUCIATING pain. I cried So hard. It WAS the worst pain ever. More pain then most people can even imagen...
This is when I had my first, (I don't even want to say the word!) Orgasm... I can't even discribe what it felt like. I had no words to discribe it then. And I don't have any now...
That first time, he told me "It's okay. I'll make you feel real good". And well... As much as I don't want to say it... He did. When he was done. I laid in bed and cried. I was in pain and confused. Up until that night he never really hurt me, it wasn't excruciating. I was confused because I couldn't understand how something that hurt that much, could also feel good at the same time.
But for me, I didn't care. I didn't care how much he hurt me. I still loved him. Alot of people won't/ can't understand this.
See he always made me feel special and he'd hold me close to him. I loved that feeling. Just like most people would.
But I learned that Love had to come with pain. I didn't want it any other way. When he stayed away (as in didn't do anything), I Hated it! I'd hurt myself if it got to be too much. The pain made it feel alittle better. But I NEEDED him to hurt to make it go away. So when He did come to my room at night. I wanted him to do it, I wanted him to hurt me. Part of me was always scared of that excruciating pain. But I always knew that it'd come with that weird pleasure feeling. I always knew he loved me. I Never fought him, Never said No, Never did anything...
He stopped when I was 7. Which hurt worse then the physical pain of being raped...
...

I feel extremely messed up! Like I'm such a Horrible person. That I don't deserve to breathe.

I don't know... Most people talk about Hating the person who abused them. And Hating what they did.
I feel even more messed up because I Don't feel that way. I Love Him. I don't hate him at all. I'm not even sure if I hate what he did to me. That makes me feel even more messed up!

...I had to write this letter, to the person I trust the most, for counseling homework. And I had to tell this person the truth.. Well, I wrote it to my best friend. I wrote the truth, well most of it. I told him about what He did to me, and I half told him about what it felt like. (That it felt good.) I kind of hopped around it. Not dirrectly saying anything about that feeling. But whatever way, I told him that he didn't have to read any of it, that I just had to write it. And I told him that, hell I didn't even want to know, I'd understand if he didn't want to know. Either way, he said that he'd read. And I had to wait two weeks to go back and talk to him about it. When I did go back to talk to him. He said that he was sorry that I went through that and stuff...
I said something about "That I'm just messed up" and his response was " No, You're not messed up. You Were F*cked Up." (When He said that I almost brust out laughing, but kept it in my head. Thought it wouldn't be right to do. But I had to laugh at his wonderful Choice of words right there.)...

But deep down I know that he's right. That I was just F*cked up. That I'm not messed up.
I Still feel messed up though. I mean how can a good person want that.

Now, I get "turned on" when I think about what happened to me, or if I hear about rape or sexual abuse. It's even worse when it comes to incest. And I hate, Hate the feeling. I hate that "weird pleasure" feeling. I hate that it only comes when I think about stuff like that. It makes me feel Disgusting. I AM DISGUSTING! And the only thing that makes the feeling go away is to hurt myself. Either that or find someone else to do it...
It makes me so sick! It makes me feel like dying! All I want is for the feeling to go away.

but it just..Doesn't.


I don't know...

I think this is all I can say right now...
I feel like I'm going to be sick. So I think I should stop...

Abuse needn't always be pain. A guy doesn't allow his wife to work. That's abuse. A boss makes an employee(of another religion) stay at office late everyday(even that's abuse of one kind).

A professor makes fun of a kid's less marks in front of the class(that's also abuse).

Even I wasn't beaten on pushed by my abuser. In some cultures sex before 18 is not allowed, widow marriage ain't allowed, homosexuality is a sin.

Words are used only to define them. I try not to think of my past as abuse or rape. It was just unhealthy, very unhealthy.

And hating the abuser, whether he was family, or had any personality disorder, or was alcoholic, the question I ask myself is, if my son/daughter walks to me and says, that someone is doing to him what was done with me, will I allow it to be continued. What will my reaction be in that case? How will I help my son, forget my reaction towards the abuser, how will i help my kid?

Even I enjoyed my sex, abuse, gay, rape, whatever I orgasmed. I wish I hadn't. I wish, he were never born. Eh, so what, big deal I've had sex with a guy.

At first I would be very disgusted, now I ask myself, if somene walks to me saying that he's gone through what I went through, would I be disgusted with him, would I hate him, I wouldn't. I really wouldn't.

You want to hurt yourself. I know this feeling, I've had this for long time. It's not cool, being your own enemy. You can be your own friend. What helped me, was eating healthy, shaving regularly, working out.

Look after the small things, the big things will take care of themselves.

While sleeping I often imagine I got a pair of wings and cover myself with them. If I lie on my stomach and fear he's lying on top of me, I imagine spiked thorns rising from my back.

Take care...

That first time, he told me "It's okay. I'll make you feel real good". And well... As much as I don't want to say it... He did. When he was done. I laid in bed and cried. I was in pain and confused. Up until that night he never really hurt me, it wasn't excruciating.

He groomed you to perfection --> to have total trust in him & yes you did deeply cared for him ...
Hense why now you are so f*cked up now inside as a person ALL bc of him & what he did to you
He made you love & care for him then STOLE from you then it all !

He does deserve to burn in hell b ut bet your bottom dollar he got away with it..
And bet he abused other gals to properly...if he had the opportunity he would have ..

He groomed you well with letting him touch you without fear..ALL in his plan of attack & abuse!

This is when I had my first, (I don't even want to say the word!) Orgasm... I can't even discribe what it felt like. I had no words to discribe it then. And I don't have any now...

Its hard to imagine isn't it..that a child can do it ...but unfortunately some small gals can usually probably women who orgasm easily as adults also ..
NOt all women can , they would not be there to emotionally/ mentally
And this man was particularly cruel in his kindness to you -- of hugging / giving you kindness afterwards which only also messed you up even more so inside --> eg- the pain / pleasure / security of him torture chain of events !
As you now can ONLY associated pain with pleasure now ! ( this NEEDS to be broken )
And bc of him & how he made you feel it has --> left you in the state you are in now - a real mess !!

That first time, he told me "It's okay. I'll make you feel real good". And well... As much as I don't want to say it... He did. When he was done. I laid in bed and cried. I was in pain and confused.

NO wonder you are still messed up about it all ...it makes sense actually
YOu loved him but also Hated inside deep down what was being done but also was aroused ( against your own will ) to feel good about it all ..
REST assured YOU are in no way alone with this feeling many male & female rape victims have felt the same against their will also !!
It is so unfair --> what he did to you & how he has left you..
I know of your past on here & how damaged you are bc of him & still are !

You see women & men are suppose to feel good with sex our bodies are highly tuned to feel good in order to keep the species producing --> this is evolution & growth of the population & is MEANT to occur ...
If we didn't like it there would be no baby producing .& continuation of the race ...
we were created with this very purpose in mind ...to enjoy being with someone
OUr whole body ( some more than others ) are very erogenous zones --> they are meant to feel pleasure!!
But this is meant to be consensual & when we are way older --> you were a child taken to a very dark place to have to deal with it very alone..!

It sounds like you are one such person who is easily aroused --> so this is why you could orgasm at such a very young age..
Another young child at that time may never have been able to physically / physically impossible for them & very unfortunate for you as this torture of pleasure & pain has left you in the state of a highly deeply distressed place !
And this bastard --> knew & saw this arousal & wanted this from you --> what a bastard of a pig !
He took you there deliberately when he could !

Of course you still love him & still care for him --> you are trapped emotionally at that point in time with him being abused & are still unable to face the truth that he was an animal who used you like a rag doll!
Every time he abused you / you also felt this weird sensation of pain & pleasure you now associate & tied this tog now ..
And you still punish yourself bc you felt something WELL you shouldn't ! There was nothing you could do to stop what happened to you & what he made YOU feel back then ..
The pig took you to a place of NO return !
A now life of hell / mixed up feelings / & a life of deliberate self harm ! YOU remember what that animal has LEFT you now with !
Nothing but misery!! Hope you find your anger one day to put this all to rest in side of you ..

1..Your only hope now is to sever the tie --> btw pleasure receiving & pain ..
2..Learning / understanding that -- ( so what if you enjoyed it ) it wasn't your fault & YOU were in NO position to stoop it NOT at all (you were a child ) you didn't even know what it was let alone how to control it !! (DOESN'T MEAN IN ANY WAY IT WAS OK & that you really WANTED it )

yes you were obviously lacking in love around you as you craved it from this man in this form ..as obviously you weren't finding it else where ..eg- a normal bond of attainment which is healthy & normal
YOu were nothing but a mixed up / scarred child used & abused by him ( who didn't know if you wer coming or going) left in a state of utter mess by him !

3..Learn to love yourself again ( going to be hard for you ) but you can do it once you believe that you deserve to be ok & no be hurt anymore
4.. REALLY start to listen / & understand that you should NO longer hurt yourself anymore & that you don't deserve it --> you now deserve a better life for yourself without punishment by YOURSELF for something that was beyond your own control ..
5.. Understanding there was nothing you could do back then ..You did what you were told & pleased !
Give yourself a break in life now & stop fighting YOURSELF !!
All you keep doing is punishing YOURSELF for his crimes against you !

Again you are no different--> alot of abused / rape victims will be uncontrollably drawn to incest / porn/ direct abuse / abuse stories
it is only natural to want to compare & listen & understand about it all & to see what others went though if the same or different from you .....
Again nothing but a annoying remnant of the abuse left again by him ..! Blame him for the f*cked up mess you are now ! As he is !

Sorry to hear about your abuse - YOU did nothing wrong and any physical response was no more something to feel guilty about or believe it shows anything more than if you sneeze. The body and its central nervous system does what it does - In your case it responded to the stimulation of the nerve endings that sent hard wired messages to the brain.
I too was abused but never was it anything other than something I enjoyed and was never in pain from it - obviously different for me as a boy and my abuser was a female.
Keep strong and learn to accept that our first experience of sexual arousal is understandably something that will leave traces that trigger future arousal - I wrote about some of my own in a recent post that remain to this day.

I don't hate him. I didn't hate what he was doing. I have no anger towards him. I don't know if I have any anger towards what he did. Lets put it this way, If there is anger towards him, then it is way way down in one of my other "Parts" (alters or whatever it/they are.) Pushed aside, split off from that part, that feeling, just like the others. But I don't see it there. Maybe it is, but... I don't hate him and I'll never hate him.
The sad part is, I have so much anger towards all the wrong people. You're right I should be mad at him, but I'm just not. I'm mad at everyone else, Every person who didn't do a damn thing to help. Who didn't even notice something was wrong. I have anger towards them, but not Him. This probably makes no sense to other people. The fact that I'm mad at everyone but him. Doesn't make sense to not hate the person who actually hurt you.

sleeper^ wrote:yes you were obviously lacking in love around you as you craved it from this man in this form ..as obviously you weren't finding it else where ..eg- a normal bond of attainment which is healthy & normal

This is SO Wrong!
Because I did have people who would have loved me in the right way, who did love me in the right way. It's not like I didn't have anyone else there to love me. I had alot of people there. But I didn't want anything to do with them! I don't know if this is because of what he did or if I've always just felt this way. If I was just always messed up.
It's just the way I've felt.
What does that say about me??
What kind of person loves the person who raped you, hurt you in every way possible and Hate the people who actually cared about you in the right way???


I never even wanted him to stop...
How F*cked up is that!?!?

Here are some examples that are non-sexual but in similar light...

a kid plays video game. he's been playing it for five hours straight. his eyes are burning, as if needles are being pierced in his eyes but he continues to play. now he shouldnt play but he wants to look at the screen. the game is a thrilling stimulant. its harmful for his eyes, he knows it but still he does it. does that mean he's ###$ up? no one likes to take injections or medicines but we take it cause it's good for our body. should we listen to our body and say, 'no i wont take the pills cause it tastes bitter but i'd rather risk the infection.' at times we have to do things for our body's benefit.

people eat sweets and food they know they shouldn't. obese folks who chump on hamburgers and pizzas, ignore exercise. alcoholics, smokers, they all know what they're doing is unhealthy for their body but have no control

the other day i saw a photo of a burnt woman in the paper. her face was burnt by her husband and she's still living with him cause 'society and culture' of that demography requires the woman to live with her husband and not oppose him. even she believes the ritual of serving the husband. why? cause that's what she was taught.

some people say gay sex is wrong and the folks who indulge in it are ###$ up. do you think the same way, cause they like it and still indulge in it, so maybe even they're ###$ up...

you're justified in having anger against others. even i didnt have anger against the perpetrator, cause his actions did make me feel good and the attention, the orgasm. but now i harbor anger against him. how would you feel if someone did it to your kid and said, 'but your kid felt good....' this theory helped me protect myself. if someone gave your kid a cigarette, would you let your kid smoke or help him.

when you blame yourself for not wanting him to stop, you're hurting yourself. be your own guardian, protect yourself, that's a helpful way. i think of my past as very unhealthy and no more.

Arousal during rape obviously doesn't happen everytime but I read a South African study about 10 years ago which said that up to 30 percent of women in a part of South Africa had reported having orgasms during a rape. This isn't all that surprising because sex experts see a link between the human body's fight or flight stress reactions and sexual arousal. It doesn't mean that emotionally or intellectually these women enjoyed it or wanted to be rape, it simply means that their body reacted to the circumstances in a way they could not control.

This happened to me too. I had orgasms during abuse- not all the time but I did have them. It is a really difficult thing to get your head around for sure as you feel like your body has betrayed you and you feel ashamed and all these confusing thoughts about how can it be abuse if you had an orgasm. The thing is that your bhody reacting does not mean that what happened to you was OK. Your body was just reacting to a stimulus and doing what it was designed to do. You did not ask for it and it does not excuse abuse. but yeah you are not the only one. This happened to me and I posted here about it a few years ago and it had happened to other ppl too.

Safe hugs

Cracked

I know that, that's what's supposed to happen. That that's what our bodies were designed to do. That even though it happened, that it doesn't make it not abuse.
I understand all that...
And I know that it was also a kind of defense mechanism. My body didn't betray me, instead it protected me. Because if it didn't happen, then it would have been alot worse physically. (mentally it probably would have been alittle better or less confusing)

Obviously I didn't know that back then, But I don't think it would have mattered even if I did know then.
I've never actually felt like my body betrayed me. Not then. (and not really now) I just never felt that way. Or if I did I split it off from myself, which could be possible but.. And back then I didn't know that it was abuse, so..
I don't know...
The fact is, I really truely did not care, that he was doing that stuff to me. ( maybe a small part did but I don't know.) And I really did want him to do it. I mean, I really did. (and I'm not saying that because of the fact that my body reacted. How some people feel like because of that they actually wanted it when they didn't. It's not like that at all.)
I really did want it!!! When he stayed away-as in didn't do anything- I wanted him to SO bad! I longed for him. So when he did come, I didn't do anything about it, because I wanted it probably as bad as he wanted to do it.
I WANTED IT!!!
(sometimes I still do...)

How F*cked Up Is That?!
What kind of person does that make me?!

Even I've had fantasies of getting abused. Do you think even I'm ###$ up?

The fact that you're aware that you're unhealthy for yourself proves that you want to protect yourself.

What helped me was talking to my inner child, saying that it's ok. I understand you, it's alright. it wasnt your fault. i'm there for you. i forgive you. i am there for you. i'm right here to protect you.