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Was I Raped By My Boyfriend?

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Was I Raped By My Boyfriend?

Postby marnie900 » Thu Dec 19, 2013 5:12 am

Hi all,
Recently I lost my virginity to my on again off again boyfriend, and am not sure what to make of this situation... We were making out, and things got a little heated. He was (sorry to be graphic) performing cunnilingus when I was on my stomach, and then I started to feel pressure and I asked him what was happening and he said he was putting it in. I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes. And I don't know how to feel about how it first happened, i am not sure if i am okay. Is it rape if at first i didn't want to have sex and then i enjoyed it? Or is that just nerves? I am very upset, and would like some unbiased opinions on the matter
Thanks,
Marnie900
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Re: Was I Raped By My Boyfriend?

Postby EndWig » Fri Dec 20, 2013 12:27 am

First of all, let me say that I'm sorry for you. This is not what anyone's first time should be like.

This is a tricky question, but based on what you said, you didn't want to have a complete sexual relationship with him. Consent is a tricky thing, your mind can easily play tricks on you, especially after a traumatic experience. Some people actually come to believe that they not only consent, but sought it.

As for physical pleasure, it really can't be helped. Your body reacts the way it does to a stimulus, whether your mind agrees or not. I wouldn't take that into account, what's more important is how you felt and how you now feel about it.

It's hard guessing what went through his mind but one thing is sure, it was INCREDIBLY inconsiderate of him to pull a fast one on you like this. I can't believe some guys actually do stuff like that!

I don't know if this is of any help but I hope you'll find your answer...
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Re: Was I Raped By My Boyfriend?

Postby Chant2012 » Fri Dec 20, 2013 3:38 am

Hey there. I am very sorry for what's happened. I can for sure say, that if you're having any questions or suspicions, then there most likely is something there that's worth investigating.

I am a survivor of multiple r*pes and although this is "grey area" r*pe, I do indeed see it as r*pe. You didn't say 'no' but you also didn't say 'yes'. I always say that the person should assume 'no' until they are given consent. It's an understood thing. Unfortunately not many people seem to 'understand' it... Or maybe it's just that they don't want to. And even if the girl was to give consent, even then it can be tricky.
For example, if a girl is super drunk, and she drunkenly says 'yes'; out of courtesy and morals, the guy should see she is not in the right state to give or not give consent.
Or you could have someone who says 'yes' out of fear due to whatever reason (threats, coercion).
And then you can have that instance when a girl is just plain worn down from incessant nagging by the guy; and to shut him up and stop him from driving her nuts, she complies but she doesn't really want to.

Regardless of the reason, a guy should see that the girl isn't 'in to it'. If she seems uncomfortable or distant or upset in any way, he should at the very least, stop and see if she's ok. It gives her the chance to say 'no' or stop it... But if the guy truly cared, he wouldn't have done what he is doing in the first place.

I get that these grey areas can be very confusing... Which is why there needs to be more awareness and teaching on this.

He never asked you what you wanted. He didn't give you that choice. It's not okay. And I have orgasmed while being r*ped. I didn't want it and it wasn't emotionally enjoyable, but my body responded the way it was supposed to. It is a terrible feeling to be hating what's happening to you but having it feel 'good' physically yet still hating it...

So yes, he r*ped you in my opinion. And I am very sorry for what took place. Feel free to PM me if you wish to.

Blessings. <3

Chantel~

P.S. - I know you said you wanted unbiased opinions but I just wanted to support you and let you know how I feel about it and that I care.

Honestly, my ex boyfriend (who was borderline sociopath) r*ped me more times than I'm sure of. And then I was also r*ped by two other people on top of that. None of it is ok. No violation is ok: wither it's r*pe or a different type of violation. Everyone deserves to and has the right to deny or give consent.

Supporting you 100%!!!
Chantel

Dx: (Some unofficial)
*ADHD: age 9
*Major Depressive Disorder: age 19
*C-PTSD: age 21
*Personality Disorder NOS: age 22
*Anorexia Nervosa: age 22
*Fibromyalgia: age 24
*DID/DDNOS: age 24 (waiting on official diagnosis)

MY STORY post1430557.html#p1430557
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Re: Was I Raped By My Boyfriend?

Postby inossak2 » Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:00 am

You never said no so its not rape. Its nerves.. You lost your virginity.. Its a big deal to some and its VERY normal to have second thoughts or nerves or whatever. But trust me you'll get over it. Sex is great sometimes and it sucks sometimes. Don't let the word rape ruin your life and totaly break your ex'es life.
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Re: Was I Raped By My Boyfriend?

Postby inossak2 » Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:15 am

Chant2012 wrote:He never asked you what you wanted. He didn't give you that choice. It's not okay. And I have orgasmed while being r*ped. I didn't want it and it wasn't emotionally enjoyable, but my body responded the way it was supposed to. It is a terrible feeling to be hating what's happening to you but having it feel 'good' physically yet still hating it...

So yes, he r*ped you in my opinion. And I am very sorry for what took place. Feel free to PM me if you wish to.



You're an indoctrinated idiot. Don't you realise what you're doing with this oversensitive bullsh|t?
You're making a situation worse than it is. Giving her the idea that she was raped will probably fuk her up. Make her feel weak and stupid and worst case scenario ruin her life and possibly her boyfriends life also.

-- Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:23 am --

Just so i don't come of as an inconsiderate idiot. When i'm horny my mind is set on one thing. Thats nature in a nutshell. I can't read your mind and espessially if i'm about to get some. If you try to stop me and i force you to it. Hold you down etc.. Thats another thing. But claiming i rape you because you never uttered a word, thats not my fault. Stop getting so damn emotional over a consept that seem to have lost its meaning. I'm sure those people who get assaulted, beaten and raped in a dark alley will agree with me. Oversensitivity seems to be the problem with many people these days.
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Re: Was I Raped By My Boyfriend?

Postby seabreezeblue » Sun Dec 22, 2013 11:26 pm

marnie900 wrote:Hi all,
Recently I lost my virginity to my on again off again boyfriend, and am not sure what to make of this situation... We were making out, and things got a little heated. He was (sorry to be graphic) performing cunnilingus when I was on my stomach, and then I started to feel pressure and I asked him what was happening and he said he was putting it in. I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes. And I don't know how to feel about how it first happened, i am not sure if i am okay. Is it rape if at first i didn't want to have sex and then i enjoyed it? Or is that just nerves? I am very upset, and would like some unbiased opinions on the matter
Thanks,
Marnie900


Hiya Marnie,

First of all i'm really sorry that your first time turned out the way it did for you and made you feel grotty..

I don't think that what happened could be considered to be rape.. from what you've said you were having a heavy makeout with your boyfriend and enjoying what he was doing to you (hopefully you were enjoying it ..)..
In the scenario you described, you had given him consent to touch you and unless you removed consent by asking him to stop when/before/during he entered you.. it was consensual..

My first time was grotty as well and afterwards i wished that i hadn't gone along with it.. just like you i wasn't really into it and i felt used afterwards..

Sometimes we have this whole societal weight on our shoulders.. as well as reconciling our actions with our own moral code, we have to breathe freely in society and family roles.. sometimes the images that we wish to portray to family and society can be shattered (in our own minds) by acting out of what we believe our behavioural roles are.

In short, i think that you need a damn big hug and just to know that sex and your confused feelings are normal.. sexuality should be embraced, safely and with care for your own feelings..

I've personally had sex with at least one guy that i shudder to remember now but i did not say no to him and nor was i too drunk to give implied consent.
Shine me a light up
and i'll run round the moon..
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