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Step Father molested me

Open Discussions About Sexual Abuse and Incest.

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Step Father molested me

Postby Shiney » Mon Mar 04, 2013 7:46 pm

I'm glad I found this forum and feel comfortable to finally put this experience I had in writing so I can get it off my soul and perhaps leave it here forever. I was 13/14 years old when this happened. I have never told anyone. My step father would lay me on top of him and sort of rub my body against his so our genitals would touch. I am ashamed to say that I was stimulated by this. And, maybe this is why I've felt so guilty. Also, he's been an otherwise wonderful father whom I love very much. I would never tell my family or husband about this. That would destroy my family. It will stay here.
This experience has left me with scars. I have some inhibitions when it comes to my sexuality. I'm almost uncomfortable about it. I also have a chronic illness that I'm sure is effected by my anxieties. My step father has been so great to me. I don't even think about what happened when I'm around him. But, there are times it comes to me like a huge wave and I feel like I'm drowning. I want so much to tell my husband but fear he will not want to be around my father anymore and I'd be so hurt to not see him or my mother. So, I won't tell.
My step father is the only father I've ever known. He came into my life when I was just 2 and I've always been "daddy's little girl". That makes me feel good. But, the experience makes me feel ashamed, dirty and unworthy. I don't know if that is the reason why I question people's sincerity when they pay me a compliment. Like. I've always been told all my life I'm pretty but never believe it. If my husband tells me he loves me and I'm his whole world, I wonder if he's "just saying that".
Gosh....I never thought anyone would know my "secret". Thank God for this forum. I hope now I can leave this here and somehow find my way to forgetting it. I've already forgiven in my heart.
Is it possible for me to just get this out and forget it? What can I do to forget this ever happened and move past it? I'm 40 yrs old now....I can't imagine keeping this pain and shame for the rest of y life.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this and for being here.
My best--
Shiney :-)
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby pistils » Tue Mar 05, 2013 2:57 am

Shiney-

Thank you for writing. Wish I could be a bit more responsive, but I'm feeling rather down at the moment. However, I'd like to say that your step-father did abuse your relationship and you, however wonderful he may have been in other ways. It is his shame- not yours- that you endured it.

Sometimes I think those of us who enduring molestation are hopeless emtional cripples. I hope you find a way to heal, and I think a therapist might be helpful to that end. You deserved better in life.
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby Shiney » Tue Mar 05, 2013 6:20 am

Hi, pistils-
I'm sorry you're feeling down but am comforted to hear your response and to even see views of my post because it means someone else knows now. My burden of carrying this almost feels lifted, in a way.
I chose the screen name "Shiney" because it's a nickname I have. I'm known to be someone who is always happy. I have a debilitating illness and am often sick or in the hospital. People say how strong I am. How much of a fighter I am. My step father is always there for me, too. And, its so hard for me to even come to this realization but.....yes, he did abuse me and our relationship. And, when I think about it, I feel sick to my stomach and just want to cry & cry. I want to scream!!!!!
I've thought about getting a therapist but, with my illness, I'm already spending more money than I have on medication and co pays. I just can't afford it. So, for now, this forum will have to do. It just feels good to finally put it down in words and have someone else know what happened.
Pistils....I will be thinking of you and hoping you are well. You reached out to me and I just want you to know how very much I appreciate that.
All my best-
Shiney.

-- Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:25 am --

.....and, you said it is HIS shame, not mine.
That is powerful for me. It is NOT my shame.
It is NOT my shame!
I will repeat that to myself each time I feel that shame. I've carried this way too long. He also emotionally abused me as a child. Even to this day, that part of him leaks out. Even with all the good he's done.
I just want to cry now because of the relief it gives me to hear "it is not my shame" finally being my inner dialogue.
Thank you.
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby toudai » Thu Mar 07, 2013 4:40 am

Hi Shiney,

It's common for people to be confused about why they found being sexually abused when they were young to be pleasurable. It's normal, don't worry.

There's really no easy way around this stuff, it takes a lot of work to understand and to move past. Therapy of course is a good starting point. Consider talking to your husband. Taking such heavy secrets to the grave turns our heart into a grave; free yourself.

May I ask what your other illness is?

Much Love,
Toudai
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby Shiney » Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:27 pm

Hi, toudai-
Thanks for the reply. I have Crohn's disease and many complications from it.
I'm really not ready to talk to my husband because then he'd probably never want to visit my step father and my mom again. It would only bring hate for him.
I was also molested by two of my brothers friends at different times growing up. Those things I have told my husband. Well, most of what I could get out without becoming a basket case.
I did send an email to my doctor earlier this week explaining that these memories have been triggered and I can't seem to put them on the back shelf of my mind where I left them long ago. I was asking him to prescribe me some kind of anti anxiety medication until I can get in to see a therapist. That's just a big financial burden for me now with everything else going on with my illness.
I haven't received a reply yet. And, now I regret even sending that email to the doctor because I don't want to have to talk about it....just not yet. It's all too painful and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle once all the memories come back full force.
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby toudai » Fri Mar 08, 2013 2:44 pm

Hi Shiney,

I will suggest to you what worked for me. Actually I recommend it to anyone, but in your case specifically because of the Crohn's Disease it would be especially beneficial. If you're willing to try it, Shaolin Cosmos Qi Gong, which is a Chinese art similar to yoga, is very effective for curing chronic illnesses, as well as balancing emotions. It's been extremely effective in my own treatment of my Spinal Muscular Atrophy, childhood sexual abuse and pornography addiction. As I mention in my testimonial thread, people consider me a model of good health and happiness!

Depending on the area you live in you could find a certified instructor to teach you the art. It would make huge differences for you.

More info here:

http://www.shaolin-wahnam.org/chikung.html

Very Best,
Toudai
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby Ada » Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:09 pm

It would be absolutely fine to send a follow-up email to your doctor [or say in person] that you don't want to talk about it yet. It's helpful for them to know for perspective. But I hope they won't put pressure on you to tackle this when you aren't ready for that.

Perhaps this information about flashbacks might be helpful in coping with some of this? post-traumatic-stress/topic11697.html Although I don't think that's what you were describing. From other people's stories I've read here, the memories often come back as you're ready to tackle them. There's never a "good" time for that. [It's abuse, nothing about it is good.] But maybe they've been on the shelf while you've been building up your strength to work through this. Keep posting, I hope it's helpful too.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


From The Great Dictator — Charlie Chaplin
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby sumer » Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:34 pm

Hi Shiney,

Got sad after reading your story of being molested by step father. Sexual desires sometimes over powers man's brain and they do such a silly blunders. but for whatever happened your stepfather should be blamed for it. Although they are nice and generous people but they come under the unfullfilled sexual desires. Specially this happens with people who are sexully not satisfied in there life.

As this is not any physical harm but mentals scars which lasts for life time.
I have a suggestion for you, You should go and talk to your step father (not at all in agressive mood) and tell him that you love him as stepfather but what ever he has done in past gives you lot of troubles.
Make him feel sorry for what ever he had done to you.
If you shell out whatevr there in your heart , I m sure that will make him cry.

After all this you will feel light hearted.
I request you to forget about this in your life after that. Never ever again remember this. Get busy with your beautiful life with nice family.


-Sumer
(a Guy who was too molested when 8 years old, but is mentally strong to forget that.) :D
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby helptoheal » Thu Aug 21, 2014 3:20 am

I am so sorry to hear your pain. I was abused by the step fathers of two friends of mine at a similar age to you and like you I am in my 40's now. I understand the damage that abuse causes.
I went to group therapy years ago and while I was there I met a lovely lady who had been abused by her father and was hurting very badly. After the group therapy sessions ended we stayed in touch. Several years later she told me that her father had apologized to her for what he had done (it had happened repeatedly over a long period of time). This apology was very healing for her and I think it made a lot of difference. Until this point their relationship was very poor. They now have a reasonable relationship.
I agree with the previous post. Perhaps if you could speak to your step father and tell him that what he did is hurting you he might be able to give you the apology that you need. Maybe this will help a little towards your emotional healing.
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Re: Step Father molested me

Postby jshepherd1 » Thu Nov 06, 2014 4:35 pm

My situation is very very similar... But my writing skills are terrible so just go with it. My step dad molested me and my sister as a child. My sister finally came out and told my mother and after only 18 months in jail he got out. My family had nothing to do with him for about 4 years until he got vists with his kids. My mother had a boyfriend for about 7 years and recently left him... and started seeing my step dad again. My mother DOES know about my story in a very detailed fashion but still decides to go visit him. In the end what I have decided to do since it seems like this jack ass is going to be coming around more often is get it out there to him... I let him know that eventhough I was young that I have a very VERY clear mental image of how things went. I told him that I will never forget. This is to make sure he doesnt feel like he has gotten away with something and gives you the upperhand. Maybe an apology but that didnt happen in my case and will never happen since he stuck with denial. BUT thats okay because in his mind he knows what happend just as much as I do and goes to sleep at night tossing and turning because he doesnt know how to cope with the stress level in his mind.
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