Confused New Mother

Hello,
I was molested when I was 3 or 4 years old by my brother's grandfather. It happened in front of my step dad. I'm not sure if my step dad was aware of what was happening to at the moment. I was really scared and confused during and after the molestation. I told my mom immediately what happened to me, but she really didn't tell me anything and didn't try to do anything about the situation. I basically was left to deal with the issue on my own. Then I was molested by a neighbor older girl. I can write a lot how it affected me as a child but here is how it's affecting me today.( I'm 29 years old.) Just 5 month ago I was blessed with my little angel daughter! I'm so happy that I have her! I waited for her for so long. We had troubles to conceive.
I have two major problems:
1) I can't trust my husband around my baby girl ( the trust issue started in hospital right after I had my baby- I thought that all nurses would hurt her or molest her). Now I'm accusing my husband of molesting my baby even though I don'd have any proof.

2) I have confused feelings toward my baby girl. I love her soooo much! I can't understand why sometimes I feel something like (scared to clean her vagina, afraid I'm awaking her body; avoiding touching her nipples; or even worse I get something like excitement. I would never consider to molest my child, it wouldn't matter to live then. I exist for this child. I want to be the best mom I can be! What's happening to me? Please help me?
Thank you

Hi apw,

It might sound strange, but I would say what you're feeling is probably common among survivors of sexual abuse. I highly recommend finding a good therapist that specializes is child sexual abuse. They should be able to help you understand all these confusing feelings, and hopefully let go of them.

Since you were sexually abused as a child, it has left a lot of sexual confusion in you and all the other confusing trust issues. Luckily, there are answers, and it would be wise to look for them.

Best,
Toudai

I'm confirming what was said above, when I was a fresh mother I also had terrible times with things. I hated breastfeeding, it aroused me and I was so ashamed and scared, I plain hated it, could do only 9 months and basta. I almost fainted / vomited when a doctor at a hospital took a temperature of my babe rectally. The sight just plain screwed me up, I felt I was violated, that my son was violated; in the whole years I avoided suppositories even though people would go at me: 'You are darn crazy'. I was just: he can drink the medicine. End of talk.
Once I freaked out when my father called on the way home when he took my son for a walk so I could rest, he said he is stuck in traffic. I heard my some scream his lungs out and immediatly had images of my father - you know what I mean. That was a terrible 30 minutes wait and sickening.
Seek therapy as soon as you can, try to remain calm. You are the mom and will guard your baby well, but you need to be as important to yourself as the small one is. Take care, and boy, do I feel ya. It's a nightmare

I just want to echo what the others have said. You are not a bad person, and the feelings you are experiencing do not mean that you're attracted to, or are going to molest your child. The feelings are simply body memories from the abuse. Seeing your child is reminding you of the sexual abuse you experienced. It's not your fault and it is common among survivors. Often survivors will have a lot of memories and different issues emerge when their child nears the age they were when they were abused. If you are not already in therapy with a trusted professional trained to help survivors, then I advise you to do so, for the sake of your own well-being, and that of your child. Good luck to you

I can only agree with all of the advice above, but I'd like to add that you sound like a wonderful, caring mother. Some of these anxieties will stem from your own abuse, and some of them will stem from a protective parental instinct. I think the former is exaggerating the latter, so it's not that your anxieties are inherently unhealthy, it's just that they're taken to an unhealthy level, if that makes sense. If you can find a competent, qualified, accredited therapist then this would be a great opportunity to talk things over with someone face-to-face.

Dear All,
I can't thank you enough for listening to me. I really thought that I'm some kind of a sick mother.
You really helped me understand even more of what's going on. I just saw a therapist. She gave me some homework to do. I told her everything, but didn't explain good enough to her how sometimes I feel around my baby (I was scared that she will think that I might hurt my baby and take her away from me).
I pray that it will get better soon.
Thank You All from the bottom of my heart!

apw wrote:I told her everything, but didn't explain good enough to her how sometimes I feel around my baby (I was scared that she will think that I might hurt my baby and take her away from me).

I recall we had a lady posting on the Paraphilias section of this site (under Sexual) who was a new mother or about to become a mother. She had been abused as a child and was having concerns that she might sexually abuse her baby. Once she discussed this further, she realised that her thoughts did not stem from any desire to be sexual with her baby, but that her abuse was causing her to worry about this.

Whatever thoughts you're having about 'hurting your baby', it's important to realise they stem from your past and not from some present, genuine desire. Becoming a parent is a great upheaval, so it's to be expected that you'll have powerful feelings which will become mixed with feelings about your own childhood.

I would be shocked if a therapist would report you for how you sometimes feel around your baby, unless there's a genuine desire to do something inappropriate. Any good therapist will recognise that these are not intentions on your part but anxieties about the possibility of such intentions arising, these anxieties being caused by your abuse. Therapists must deal with an awful lot of new mothers, with everything from post natal depression to generalised anxiety about being able to cope, etc. Give your therapist more credit, and if she lets you down then report her (if she's registered then she'll be governed by some kind of code of professional conduct). Phrase things carefully too, so as not to give her the impression you're planning to do x, y and z but that you're troubled by thoughts of x, y and z.

Hope that helps!

Partridge,
Thank You so much for your help! I feel like talking to you guys is helping a lot. After reading that my confused feeling and some sort of arousal around my baby is because my body remembers the abuse I have noticed a big change in me and my feeling. Now when I have those feelings I just thinks "Ok, that's just my body remembers the abuse and it doesn't mean that I'm turd on by my baby". And than I relax!!! I really want to fix this issue and very eager to talk to my therapist about this. My problem is that English is not my first language and I don't want her to miss understand me. I want to be open with her.
And I hope one day I can trust at least my husband. I want to be able to take a shower and not worry about my baby girl. This is so crazy... I don't get how one time molestation can mess someone this much up? (the second molestation I for some reason don't count)
Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me!

Hi apw,

It's really great that you've found a therapist and that you're working on yourself. Just remember to be patient and kind to yourself. It sounds like you're doing the right thing when those feelings come up: just let it go.

I've mentioned it on other threads, but I will recommend the EMDR therapy system if you can find a licensed therapist in that field. It's quite effective for releasing old traumatic memories.

Regarding one molestation being so heavy, all I would say is that sex is a very powerful, delicate thing and at such a young age it doesn't take much to do deep inner damage.

Best,
Toudai

apw-

First, congratulations at being a new mom!

You seem to have found a supportive audience here, so I can only confirm what others have said. But when I read you post, I thought of my own experiences- molested (mildly, I suppose) at the same age you are. I know that lead to issues in my life. While I have no children of my own, I am almost a second mother to a three year old girl and four year old boy- well at least I frequently babysit for them. I sometimes recoil at myself for having too strong an interest in the boy's penis. While I would never do anything that could be considered improper to him, I rather wonder at my own reaction to his tiny appendage which is certainly rather useless from my point of view.

I realize I haven't addressed your concerns head on, but I thought you might like to know that your reaction is not far removed from what other people experience. I think just the fact that you are concerned about the issue suggests that you won't let it become a problem (for your daughter, anyway), but I would encourage you to discuss your feelings with a qualified therapist.