Basically, I was called in at work and the big bosses were all standing there. I was terrified and thought I was going to be fired or in big trouble for something. (I am always a very scared person and not good at social situations, and I get extremely terrified if everyone is looking at me.) As I walked in, barely able to walk for fear and thinking I was going to faint, they immediately asked if I'd move up to a higher position. I was so shocked at the sudden change (expecting to be fired) that I stammered that I didn't think I was qualified, and that was the end of it. They took it seriously, as though that was my answer instead of an instinctual response with no thought behind it. I was so scared I rushed out of the room. I regretted it immediately, but they called someone else in and the job is gone. It is not likely, realistically, that I'll ever get offered anything like that again. Such chances are very rare. In our terrible economy over here, they are more than rare. That job was more secure, whereas where I am now is not very secure. I am stuck in a dead-end forever, barely making enough to survive. The new opportunity would have given me enough money to live a little more decently (afford better food, afford heat in the winter, could go to a doctor if I got sick, etc.) And I threw it all away. But I didn't mean to. I was just so caught off guard and unprepared.
I want to accept this loss and move on. But I can't. I can't let it go no matter how hard I try. I could have lived better, had more security and freedom, had more reasons to make life worth living. I ruined my life and I can't go back and change it. But I can't let it go!! My brain goes over and over it, replaying it over and over, and I can't make it stop no matter what I do. It haunts me day and night. I feel sick about it, the opportunity I threw away in a moment of terror without meaning to, and no matter how hard I wish, I can't go back in time and change it. So I want to move on. My brain won't let me. I want peace but the regret is too strong and it won't leave. It's like I just can't let go no matter what. I just can't forgive myself.