i dont know what to do.

I'm 17 years old, and I've just been accepted to the University of Pittsburgh main campus for pre-pharmacy, so I'm very intelligent. I'm attractive and I know this, but I'm not stuck up about it. I try to be nice to people, but I just feel like everyone hates me. There's a group on facebook made just to hate me and my best friend. I'm argumentative, I stick up for everything and have even organized an anti-abortion rally for my school before.
But there's something wrong with me. I started as a church girl, wearing skirts past my knees and a virgin-promise ring on my finger until the 10th grade when I met my first love: "Jack," I'll call him. Jack was nice and everything, buying me whatever I wanted, never pressuring for sex, telling me how much he cared about me, until he became obsessive and began to control me, and eventually beat me. He was the first guy I ever kissed, as my family was very religious, but after about 3 months of seeing him everyday, I gave him my virginity, honestly believing he was the one for me. I left him after many beatings because the first night I ever became drunk, I slept with a second guy, Chris, and told Jack about it because I was so guilty (although he had broken up with me earlier that day for going to the mall with my cousins without him). I dated Chris for about 2 months. He said he loved me and everything while screwing about 3 other girls behind my back. I guess after him, I just quit caring. I had a moment of soberness lasting about three months where I didn't engage in any sexual intercourse, until I became drunk again and slept with yet another guy. In fact, I've only been broken up with my first love for a little over a year and a few months, yet I look in the mirror at a girl who has slept with now 13 men. I've let 4 guys run a train on me at once. One of my best friends was heavily involved with 2 of these men, and I lie to her and say I haven't slept with them even to this day. I feel sick for doing the things I've done, yet I do them anyway.
I get irritated very easily. Like my sister's boyfriend is sitting too close to the computer right now and I feel like I wanna punch him. I have a tendency to overreact. I push away every guy I'm with somehow or another. Sometimes I feel like I messed up with Jack and I should have forgiven him for hitting me because his love was the only thing that made me feel good. Maybe I sleep with them too soon, I dont know. All I know is that I am miserable. I feel like I'm a terrible person and no one wants me. I feel like no guy wants to date me, just screw me then throw me to the side. Usually after I have sex with a guy, he still talks to me and most of them even want to date me. But I feel like no guy can ever make me happy because I just dont know who I am to make happy. Do I like being controlled? Or do I wanna be independent? I don't know, because I don't know who I am.
I can't describe it. I just feel like everything about me is so misunderstood. Sex is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, and weed is the only thing that makes me feel happy.
Everything I was taught when I was younger was a lie. God probably isn't even real. Religion is something that is just made up to fill the voids in peoples lives. I shoplift almost everytime I enter a store.
I dont know why I wrote this either. This isn't even half of what I feel. I just needed to vent. I'm sorry probably no one even cares but I had to get this out.

((((((((((courtblaz1792))))))))) It sounds like you're going throuhg a really difficult time. Your first boyfriend had no right to beat you or control you like that and you didn't mess things up, he did. Is there any one that you could talk to? Maybe you could find a therapist but it should be one that your parents couldn't get to tell them your secrets or maybe a school counsellor. Is there any one you trust?

Well thats not exactly what happened for starters you keep telling yourself lies and after so awhile you start to mistake them for the truth. Have you ever thought that maybe if you stop doing drugs that you could start to get yourself on the right track? The amount of drugs you're done are apparent in your intelligence, you sound less intelligent now and say things that make no sense. You have no respect for yourself and that's partially why no one at your school likes you. You have a bright future still, somehow, but as soon as you get caught with drugs your dreams of being a pharmacist is over. You should try moving somewhere with someone you can trust and with someone who will help you get away from drugs. So, get a job, save money, move out when you turn 18 and get about from your parents and sister who only make doing drugs seem more acceptable.

Jack, how do you know that's not exactly what happened?