Our partner

Insecurity about other women

Open Discussions about Self Esteem and Related Issues

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby jmm31 » Sun Aug 14, 2011 6:23 pm

Platypus wrote:Welcome jmm31,

It is interesting that you don't mind watching the films alone or with girlfriends, but worry and get angry when your boyfriend watches them. To me it sounds like you are feeling insecure in your relationship, and worrying about how you boyfriend feels towards you.

Is there a reason why you might believe your boyfriend doesn't think you are attractive or good enough? Have you been judged or hurt by your boyfriend or another man in the past? Maybe this is something a therapist could help you with?


Hi Platypus
Thanks for your reply! My boyfriend has never given me a reason to feel insecure about the relationship. Rather, I think that it is an issue with self esteem. He never judges me and is very affectionate and compliments me a lot. We have a very good relationship. I had a boyfriend in the past who was always judging me, always staring at and mentioning what he thought about other women, in front of me. I know we all look, it's natural, but it was the way he did it. I guess it still affects me til this day and though my boyfriend does none of that, in my mind, I think he does. I don't have any evidence of that but again, I think it's a self esteem issue and I just don't know how to go about getting over it. I have tried therapy before. And sometimes I get better, but then end up feeling the same way again :(
jmm31
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2011 1:22 am
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby jmm31 » Sun Aug 14, 2011 6:40 pm

Black Dove wrote:
jmm31 wrote:So when I sit with my boyfriend watching a movie and an attractive actress or sex/nudity seen comes on, I can feel anger boiling inside of me. I shut off from my boyfriend and in a way get angry at him even though I know he did nothing wrong. I get very defensive and sometimes pick a fight by constantly saying things like "this movie is so stupid" and things like that. It gets to the point where he gets so annoyed at me. It ruins the movie and our time together.


This outpouring of misdirected anger has got to stop, first and foremost. You have no evidence to back up your fear of him desiring other women, particularly those who he will never cross paths with.

Your current boyfriend is not your ex. Work on the residual feelings your ex may have helped to facilitate, do NOT take this out on your boyfriend. This behavior may very well drive your boyfriend away - not an actress in a movie.

Do something more productive as opposed to lashing out when you are uncomfortable. Gauge your emotions. Take note of when they arise, what emotion is making itself known, what you want to do to rid yourself of the unpleasant emotion... Yell? Argue? Leave the room? Are any of these productive? What would be productive?
What would happen if you sat there, watched the movie, and remained silent? How would you feel? Do you compare him to men you see?


I have tried to talk to him about it, but I never really told him the extent of how I feel, just something along the lines of saying "wouldn't you rather someone like that?" Where he of course replies encouraging things, but I am so afraid of talking to him about how I feel. The only time I have this issue is with tv or movies, being out in public and having women around for some reason doesn't bother me.


That is not talking about it at all. That is blatantly expressing your insecurity and fishing for compliments. You need to tell him for the sake of him, you, and the relationship. Does he know why you get all bent out of shape while watching such scenes? Does he know your behavior isn't about him, but your insecurity? It would also be wise to say that you realize this is a problem, that it is your issue, that you want to work on it, and may need his support.


Hi Black dove
Thank you for your reply!
You're correct, I have no evidence to back up my fear. I try really hard to sit with my feelings when they occur, but it builds up so much that yes, sometimes I end up walking out of the room. I know that it is not fair to take it out on him and that if that continues, I risk pushing him away from me.If I sit through it though, I get so uncomfortable and the emotions become too much. I just don't know of a productive way to deal with the emotion. I know that it's a self esteem issue, and I also need help with that. I have explained to him in the past about my ex and how I feel sometimes, but not in full detail. I have told him that I have insecurities about myself and I have also let him know that it's nothing that he has done wrong. He was very supportive while I was telling him, but again, I didn't explain in full detail. I just said something along the lines of- "I worry that you're comparing me, that I'm not good enough", etc. He was very reassuring about it, but I still can't help feeling the way I do and cannot find a productive way to deal with this emotion. I know it is very irrational to feel that way. It's funny because before that ex, I never had a problem. I would like to work on it and let him know exactly how I feel so that I could have his support in working through it, but I just can't get myself to do that. I guess in a way I want to try to figure it out by myself first. Thanks again! Your response is very appreciated.

-- Sun Aug 14, 2011 1:47 pm --

One thing I'm trying to do, is learn how people who don't feel insecure think. Like me when I was single, they just relax in life. They don't feel threatened. The don't feel the need to control the worst case scenario. They don't feel as if they're living in a soap opera. They see life as it is, that opposite sex finds eachother attractive, generally. They are accepting of the fact their partner finds Megan Fox attractive, just as they themselves swoon over Robert Downey Junior. They find other things important in life, not just their man and what makes them tick, they find relationships with girlfriends, work colleagues valuable also. Confidence is the most empowering feeling in life. Shame and worry are the most crippling. I hope we can find our own happiness ladies :)[/quote]

Hi!
I also would like to learn how people who don't feel insecure about these things think as well, or why it doesn't bother them, but that's the part I can't figure out how to do! LOL I do focus on my career, my life with my boyfriend, our great relationship,my friemds, but still cannot get over this. I guess it's building up self esteem. But how? that I don't know.
jmm31
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2011 1:22 am
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby Black Dove » Mon Aug 15, 2011 9:46 pm

Because women on television or those walking down the street have no presence in the relationship of the secure. You are threatened by those who have no impact on what you have with your boyfriend. And that's due to the comparisons you make with these females.

You have to get to a place in your life where you view women as just women, without them having any bearing on your appearance, your self worth, your relationship, etc. You look at them and form all sorts of judgments; "Wow, she is so much more voluptuous than me," "I wish my hair was as shiny as hers," etc. These are just examples, obviously I have no idea what specific assets you are comparing yours with. And then of course such judgments snowball into involving your boyfriend,formulating guesses as to what he could possibly be thinking, or how he would view you in comparison. Just because you are comparing, doesn't mean your boyfriend is.

Non judgmental Stance is an important skill to learn.

Coming from a former place of insecurity myself, this is what it takes.
Black Dove
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 558
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:03 am
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 12:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby InLove » Sun Aug 21, 2011 1:11 pm

Hi there,

I am not sure if anyone is still posting on this but my question is, can the relationship I am in causing me to have a low self-esteem or better put, enhance my low self-esteem? I am in a relationship with someone 14 years younger and I absolutely love him but I am extremely insecure of his past relationships and he loves big breasted women and is always like, check out those boobies, etc. He teases me alot but part of the reason he loves me is that I tolerate the teasing. I have been telling him lately, oh that helps my self-esteem, jokingly back and seeing if he takes the hint. Which at the time, sometimes it does. I believe he loves me.

The bottom line is, I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. I keep thinking that it will destroy my current relationship. I don't think I had the feeling before in past relationships but I tended not to be fully invested in those relationships.

He has jealousy issues too. He tends to get angry and argumentative. I tend to shut down and maybe get bitchy.

Any shorter-term fixes. What should I be doing? How do I stop the destructive thought process?
InLove
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Aug 21, 2011 12:54 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby jmm31 » Sun Aug 21, 2011 4:40 pm

Black Dove wrote:Because women on television or those walking down the street have no presence in the relationship of the secure. You are threatened by those who have no impact on what you have with your boyfriend. And that's due to the comparisons you make with these females.

You have to get to a place in your life where you view women as just women, without them having any bearing on your appearance, your self worth, your relationship, etc. You look at them and form all sorts of judgments; "Wow, she is so much more voluptuous than me," "I wish my hair was as shiny as hers," etc. These are just examples, obviously I have no idea what specific assets you are comparing yours with. And then of course such judgments snowball into involving your boyfriend,formulating guesses as to what he could possibly be thinking, or how he would view you in comparison. Just because you are comparing, doesn't mean your boyfriend is.

Non judgmental Stance is an important skill to learn.

Coming from a former place of insecurity myself, this is what it takes.


Hello again.
Thank you for the link! I will look into it!
I guess it's just the way that everything is made to look perfect. I know that women's bodies are made to look that way on tv,movies, etc, obviously no one is perfect. But I think that I have issues with my body. I am in no way overweight or anything, but I do have my issues, I could use some work, and I don't mean plastic surgery or anything. I know that if I started working out I would start to feel better about myself. I have done that before and started to build up self esteem, but the problem is that I keep losing my motivation. I guess I am comparing bodies. My boyfriend tells me that he loves my body, but in my mind, I feel that he is just saying that, even though I know he wouldn't. It's all in my mind. I need to build up my self esteem. And since I have started writing on this board, I have been getting a bit better, and sitting through the things that bother me. I appreciate your responses! They have been very helpful and I hope that I am on the path to healing!!
jmm31
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2011 1:22 am
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 11:36 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby Black Dove » Tue Aug 23, 2011 10:06 pm

InLove wrote: can the relationship I am in causing me to have a low self-esteem or better put, enhance my low self-esteem?


Yes.

I am in a relationship with someone 14 years younger and I absolutely love him but I am extremely insecure of his past relationships and he loves big breasted women and is always like, check out those boobies, etc. He teases me alot but part of the reason he loves me is that I tolerate the teasing. I have been telling him lately, oh that helps my self-esteem, jokingly back and seeing if he takes the hint. Which at the time, sometimes it does. I believe he loves me.


Well it doesn't really add up for me that part of his "love" for you is due to your willingness to tolerate his personal jabs. Banter is one thing, outright teasing, especially since it bothers you is disrespectful (and the way he does this is also immature). It seems as though you've thrown out enough hints, that it is time to be direct.

The bottom line is, I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. I keep thinking that it will destroy my current relationship. I don't think I had the feeling before in past relationships but I tended not to be fully invested in those relationships.


Then you have to start communicating these feelings. Let him know that you understand what type of women he likes, and you'd appreciate it if he stopped commenting on other women while you are present. Out of respect for you.
He probably wouldn't feel too good if you speculated upon the endowments of a man you two saw on the street. It's the same principle.
Black Dove
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 558
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:03 am
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 12:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby lookingtobefound » Tue Sep 27, 2011 4:23 am

It is really sad that I am 19 and totally insecure about myself. I think i am ok but im not even close to being as pretty as my boyfriend's exes. and it drives me crazy to think that when a hot girl who looks absolutely perfect thats what he is going to compare me to. even tho he has told me time and time again that he loves me and looks at me with love, unlike those girls, i still only feel a bit better. i constantly get mad when there's a set of boobs on the screen, even tho he doesnt say anything about it. and unfortunately raunchy comedies are one of his favorite types of movies. i just dont understand why it is necessary to show everything to the world. it gets old crying about it every time it happens. i have tried over and over to just ignore it because it shouldn't be a big deal, but its too hard and he just doesnt get what i am truly feeling. i cannot explain myself anymore to him. he just says i need to grow up and get over it cuz he's going to watch it anyway because its his type of entertainment. it is so hard for me to get over, and i dont know how. maybe if i had freaking double d sized breasts and the perfectly shaped hips. and the fake tan, that too. it just feels like no matter what i do, it won't help. i will always be jealous of the beauty on the screen :(
lookingtobefound
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Sep 27, 2011 4:13 am
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby superman78 » Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:11 pm

So I'm not the only one. I have suffered about this for so many years and have talked to no one but my better half. Know what he says? To grow up and stop being so immature. Gee thanks! I hate that all his favorite shows are on HBO. Just tears me up. Like many of you I'll leave the room. Sometimes quietly. Sometimes like a complete bitch. He just doesn't understand the severity of this. Now I've never told anyone this part. Growing up I was scolded by my mother if I was watching any movie with nudity in it. My ex-boyfriend knocked my self-esteem into the dirt. My current man was a bit on the promisicuous side when he was a teenager (I did not react well to that and almost stopped dating him). Are these reasons? I just don't know anymore and have thought about ways out. I just wish women would keep their damn clothes on!! Lol.

My better half and I have been together 14 years and have three daughters together. I DO NOT EVER want them feeling this way. Wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've thought about going to therapy and my doctor has given me meds, which I never took, for anxiety. Although she feels I'm more depressed. I was really hoping this would get better with age but it seems to have gotten worse.

Strange thing about this whole situation is that I can watch porn with him no prob! Is it because the nudity is expected? Perhaps I feel at ease because I'm involved?

Anyway, I'm happy to have found this group. Just hoping you'll all check back in. Would love to hear how you are coping! Feel at ease knowing I'm not alone.
xx
superman78
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2011 6:50 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby Clairebear2011 » Thu Dec 15, 2011 3:13 am

I finally dont feel like a paycho gf, my boyfriend when we first got together would say things messing around that he didnt realise really got to me about him finding woman on tv attractive. So its always been on my mind when a female is on s reen on in a mag his checking her out. I think to myself his looking at her thinking how disgusting i am or how good her boobs or body generally is compared to what mi es like which is horrible and really upsets me. Ive recently had a baby and its got so much worse, i was starting to build some confidence about my body but now that is shattered. I had a trumatic labour and i feel ruined. When i see woman on screen with there boobs banging out or skimpy outfits on it rages me and i two get frustrated/emotional. I have no one to tlk to as ppl just tell me i look gd for just having a baby but i see myself alot different to what i am. I have had a terriblebody image since i was about 6. I really dont know what to do and it is causing problems with my relationship and my life. Im sick of being down all the time, all i do is mosn and get tbe ump. Was so nice to read tbat other ppl feel the same

Plz reply with any advice claire xxxxxx
Clairebear2011
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Dec 15, 2011 2:35 am
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Insecurity about other women

Postby skyline22 » Sat Jan 07, 2012 1:31 am

I've read a lot of forums on this topic and the general consensus is that we're too insecure and to just get over and let it go. I get that, and I completely agree that yes, it IS an insecurity issue. I'm insecure, I dont deny that. But it's rooted in so many factors, most of which could be prevented if my significant other really cared or put any effort into forcing himself to have some "self-control".

I dont accept the "we're wired this way" excuse anymore. It's a cop out that they tell themselves growing up and they stick with it. Every woman has met AT LEAST ONE man who respects women and doesnt break his neck staring at a pair of huge tits walking by. God forbid a man who doesnt look at all, right? They say they cant control it because they dont try to have "self control". Why? Because they dont want to. They're visual. They enjoy, so they do it.

I'm only 23 and I absolutely hate the person I've become with my current boyfriend. Before I got with him, sure I was insecure but never have I compared myself to other women so much. We've been together 3 yrs.. he lies through his teeth constantly on this issue. It's either porn, naked pics on his phone from friends, or catching him checking women out and him denying it to the point where we fight constantly. His priorities are just different. This issue is something he just wants me to get over. He doesnt see it as an issue to look at women dancing on the internet or check someone out on the street, because he loves me and would never cheat. I'm a very faithful person and that means mind ad body to me, which clearly he doesnt have those beliefs and I shouldnt push them on him. But if he loves me so much and knows how it kills me inside, he wouldnt chooses to do that stuff anyways.

I have to deal with my insecurities, but he's not faultless and I think men need to grow up and take some responsibility for how they act. Dont cop out with excuses, either man up or find another woman who doesnt care. It's unfair. I'm not out lusting over men with bigger dicks, it's a sorry excuse to say it's all our faults.
skyline22
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 07, 2012 1:11 am
Local time: Fri Dec 19, 2014 4:36 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Self Esteem




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests

cron