Black Dove wrote:
jmm31 wrote:So when I sit with my boyfriend watching a movie and an attractive actress or sex/nudity seen comes on, I can feel anger boiling inside of me. I shut off from my boyfriend and in a way get angry at him even though I know he did nothing wrong. I get very defensive and sometimes pick a fight by constantly saying things like "this movie is so stupid" and things like that. It gets to the point where he gets so annoyed at me. It ruins the movie and our time together.
This outpouring of misdirected anger has got to stop, first and foremost. You have no evidence to back up your fear of him desiring other women, particularly those who he will never cross paths with.
Your current boyfriend is not your ex. Work on the residual feelings your ex may have helped to facilitate, do NOT take this out on your boyfriend. This behavior may very well drive your boyfriend away - not an actress in a movie.
Do something more productive as opposed to lashing out when you are uncomfortable. Gauge your emotions. Take note of when they arise, what emotion is making itself known, what you want to do to rid yourself of the unpleasant emotion... Yell? Argue? Leave the room? Are any of these productive? What would be productive?
What would happen if you sat there, watched the movie, and remained silent? How would you feel? Do you compare him to men you see?
I have tried to talk to him about it, but I never really told him the extent of how I feel, just something along the lines of saying "wouldn't you rather someone like that?" Where he of course replies encouraging things, but I am so afraid of talking to him about how I feel. The only time I have this issue is with tv or movies, being out in public and having women around for some reason doesn't bother me.
That is not talking about it at all. That is blatantly expressing your insecurity and fishing for compliments. You need to tell him for the sake of him, you, and the relationship. Does he know why you get all bent out of shape while watching such scenes? Does he know your behavior isn't about him, but your insecurity? It would also be wise to say that you realize this is a problem, that it is your issue, that you want to work on it, and may need his support.
Hi Black dove
Thank you for your reply!
You're correct, I have no evidence to back up my fear. I try really hard to sit with my feelings when they occur, but it builds up so much that yes, sometimes I end up walking out of the room. I know that it is not fair to take it out on him and that if that continues, I risk pushing him away from me.If I sit through it though, I get so uncomfortable and the emotions become too much. I just don't know of a productive way to deal with the emotion. I know that it's a self esteem issue, and I also need help with that. I have explained to him in the past about my ex and how I feel sometimes, but not in full detail. I have told him that I have insecurities about myself and I have also let him know that it's nothing that he has done wrong. He was very supportive while I was telling him, but again, I didn't explain in full detail. I just said something along the lines of- "I worry that you're comparing me, that I'm not good enough", etc. He was very reassuring about it, but I still can't help feeling the way I do and cannot find a productive way to deal with this emotion. I know it is very irrational to feel that way. It's funny because before that ex, I never had a problem. I would like to work on it and let him know exactly how I feel so that I could have his support in working through it, but I just can't get myself to do that. I guess in a way I want to try to figure it out by myself first. Thanks again! Your response is very appreciated.
-- Sun Aug 14, 2011 1:47 pm --
One thing I'm trying to do, is learn how people who don't feel insecure think. Like me when I was single, they just relax in life. They don't feel threatened. The don't feel the need to control the worst case scenario. They don't feel as if they're living in a soap opera. They see life as it is, that opposite sex finds eachother attractive, generally. They are accepting of the fact their partner finds Megan Fox attractive, just as they themselves swoon over Robert Downey Junior. They find other things important in life, not just their man and what makes them tick, they find relationships with girlfriends, work colleagues valuable also. Confidence is the most empowering feeling in life. Shame and worry are the most crippling. I hope we can find our own happiness ladies
I also would like to learn how people who don't feel insecure about these things think as well, or why it doesn't bother them, but that's the part I can't figure out how to do! LOL I do focus on my career, my life with my boyfriend, our great relationship,my friemds, but still cannot get over this. I guess it's building up self esteem. But how? that I don't know.