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HATRID

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HATRID

Postby ifonly... » Tue Oct 16, 2007 2:06 pm

a rant....

i HATE everything about myself sometimes so much so that i almost want to beat myself up. this self-directed hatrid just builds inside of me and i cant release it. i know i should be kind to myself and tell myself positive things to help with other things but i just cant do it when i hate myself this much.

i look in the mirror and hate the person staring back at me. i feel like smashing the mirror. i hate that i cannot get myself to do work. i hate that im such a waste of space. i hate that im such a social retard. i hate that i dont have many/any friends. i hate that i spend so much time procrastinating on here. i hate that im self obsessed. i hate that im writing this. i hate what my life has become. i hate the ive wasted so much time being miserable and missed so many opportunities. i hate thinking about the future. i hate that i cut. i hate that i continue to cut in spite of that. i hate that i cant cry. i hate that i cant make decissions. i hate that im needy. i hate that im wasting dr's time when clearly there's no fix for me. i hate that im not like other people. i hate that im so pessimistic. i hate that i dont know what i want to do with my life. i hate the way i look. i hate the way i talk. i hate the way i see myself. i hate myslef for being incompetent. im an idiot. im stupid. im ugly. im a freak. im pathetic.

basically....I HATE MYSELF.
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Postby puma » Tue Oct 16, 2007 2:37 pm

Dear Ifonly,
Severe depression is extremely frustrating!
It is frustrating to feel unable to make decisions, to get anything constructive done, to socialize successfully, to release pent up emotions such as tears. It is like being incased in Lucite and trying to cut your way out with a razor.
At least you are still here and still fighting to survive. Somewhere in you is a soul that wants to live and be content. You are not a waste of space; the universe is a big place and there is room for you.
As weird as this may sound, maybe there is some value to come of being dealt this particular hand in life. Maybe, as you surmount this obstacle of self loathing, and finally find inner peace, you will then be able to mentor others who are struggling with this demon. In your other posts to help fellow members you are very loving and insightful. The foundation is there for a happy life.
"So It Goes..." Kurt Vonnegut
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Postby ifonly... » Tue Oct 16, 2007 7:16 pm

puma wrote:Severe depression is extremely frustrating!
tell me about it!!

As weird as this may sound, maybe there is some value to come of being dealt this particular hand in life. Maybe, as you surmount this obstacle of self loathing, and finally find inner peace, you will then be able to mentor others who are struggling with this demon. In your other posts to help fellow members you are very loving and insightful.
id like that, i feel bad that i cant help others out more, but right now im just not stable enough i dont think. some good has to come out of this $#%^. U know i was thinking that if i ever beat my illnesses (and thats a big IF..) id like to educate society to become more understanding and accepting of mental illnesses because i hate that i have to keep it a secret. If i had cancer or something people would understand...nobody would expect me to cope alone....there wouldnt be pressure to continue with life the way u were before and not make a fuss etc etc. i hate that its not the same for mental illnesses. cos lets face it, they are just as life debilitating at times.

The foundation is there for a happy life.
i hope so

thank you puma :)
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Postby ifonly... » Wed Oct 17, 2007 4:45 pm

ok, so now i hate life. i hate others. i hate doctors.

arghhhhh im so angry. whats the point. i hate that nobody can do anything to help me. seriously. well maybe thats not entirely true. i could prob do stuff to help myself but i dont becasue im a useless peice of $#%^. i cant be bothered. its too much energy. maybe i dont want to get better??? wow thats stupid i know but maybe its true. maybe i can only justify hating myself, not the doctors. maybe im stopping myself.

i hate myself. i told myself i would stop posting here for a while this morning cos i know everyones getting pissed of at me. including myself. but just like a true loser im here again. damn it why can i not go through with anything. why can i bot go through with killing myself. who the hell am i?? red, sorry but i tried ur contract too nit to cut, but yep u guessed it i gave in to that too. i cant do it. i cant do anything.

i hate that nobody understands how much hell im in. i hate it. my doctor doesnt get it. nobody gets it. for the first time i thought maybe i would attempt and intentionally fail to kill myself jsut so somebody takes me seriously. but thats just stupid messed up selfish crap. id be taking up a hospital bed that others deserve. crap i hate all this.

im weak and pathetic. i hate myself. i hate this world. i hate life. i hate that my friends dont ask if im ok.....i mean they live with me. as much as i try to put up a front and pretend im ok around others i cant keep it up 24/so my flatmates surely must know im hurting but nobody gives a $#%^.

well i no longer have anywhere to turn. my friends dont wanna help. my doctor cant. counsellors cant. the hospital have discharged me. support lines never help me. emailing crisis centres never help me. my parents....well i dont want their help. i dont even want to help myself. i dont deserve it and i cant be bothered. so whopdeedoo, i have absolutely nobody. so why the f*** can i not just do what i know i need to to end this pain.

p.s. Im really not this horrible a person normally. i hate that i have this anger in me. its not who i want to be. im sorry

oh and im sorry this prob belongs in anger management or somewhere.....maybe in the bin cos lets face it thats where i belong and all this self-pittying crap.
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Postby jasmin » Wed Oct 17, 2007 7:47 pm

Hey, if. You do not deserve to be in pain and we do not hate you. We care about you here and we'd miss you if you went away. But you can take a break from us, though :wink: It's good to be angry, it means that you want to live, even if you are suicidal. Take care of yourself.
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Postby ifonly... » Wed Oct 17, 2007 7:56 pm

:cry:
anger has turned into deep deep depression. can barely move. need to cry.
i tried phoning the support line again - what a waste of time. why did i bother? they never help. nobody can. i felt like she was trying to get rid of me. and my dr earlier. why? i cant do it. i wanted to talk to them about cutting but they dont about that so i couldnt and itd go on my record. i hate this life. please make it end. im begging u.
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Postby jasmin » Wed Oct 17, 2007 8:05 pm

If, come on, don't stress yourself so much. You know it will get better soon. Take a break from your stressful routine if that is what you need. You sound exhausted.
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Postby somebody » Mon Oct 22, 2007 7:49 pm

Hello ifonly...,

I can see you have self esteem issues. Having a healty self esteem safe guards quite well against depression, but my suggestion is first to deal with the depressive mood.

Sadness, that is normal to occur once in a while, if it lasts long turns to depression. I suggest you to allow yourself to exprerience sadness, as it is a perfectly normal feeling, but don't let the sadness linger.

Now about depression. Although I don't know nearly as much about depression, as I do about self esteem, there are a few things I could suggest, if you find yourself in that case:

First of all, please talk to people that love you, like family members, call them often and talk about sad moments in your life. Give a call to your parents.

Second, some light exercise like walking does wonders for depression.

Third, certain herbs like Saint John's Wort are quite powerful against mild to moderate depression that I believe is your case with few if any side effects. Clinical studies have found it as powerful as tricyclic antidepressants. Be sure not to receive large doses of Saint John's Wort as it can be toxic and not to receive any conventional drugs if you take it, as it can interact with them.

Fourth, vitamins, like B Complex vitamins, Selenium, Fish Oil and vitamin C also help.

Fifth, foods like coffee, bananas or chocolate have anti depressant effects (especially the coffee).

Sixth, restate your goals. Sadness comes when we are unable to reach our goals. Now, what can you do? Divide your goals into smaller goals that can be satisfied in the short turn. This one is a good one. If your believe your life has turned very much the way you don't want it to be, reverse to very basic goals (like eating, sleeping, watching a movie, going out, do things that you like) and slowly go up the ladder again aiming for your goals. Stop when you think it is unrealistic to aim higher.

You can even sublime sadness, by doing activities that cause you joy. Joy is the opposite of sadness. When you feel you are in a sad mood, do activities that cause you joy.

I insist very much on foods and herbs. It's because depression can be handled real well with remedies like these.

Saint John's Wort is excellent with few if any side effects, as effective as any kind of prescription anti-depressant medicine (apart from the MAO anti-depressants, which are quite dangerous by the way, as they can carry severe side effects) but if depression lasts for a long time, say a few weeks or more, you can contact a psychiatrist to get some strong anti depressants.. If you get Saint John's Wort, be sure not to take it at large doses at a time, as in that instances it can become toxic and better not take prescription drugs while taking Saint John's Wort, because it can interact with them (you can of course always check with what it interacts with and avoid those that cause interactions).

If depression keeps lingering fortunately there are other options too, like ECT (electroconvulsive theraoy), ask your doctor about it. It's very very effective.

Depression is an extremely curable problem, BUT YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

Come back as often as you need and ask help and advice in the forum and in the ouside world (especially from your parents, as they are the people that care the most for you).

You will be fine.
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Re: reply

Postby ifonly... » Tue Oct 23, 2007 12:28 pm

thanks for the advice someboy

somebody wrote:please talk to people that love you, like family members, call them often and talk about sad moments in your life. Give a call to your parents.
not an option - i dont/cant/too awkward to talk to my parents. i do talk to people here tho :D

Second, some light exercise like walking does wonders for depression.
i walk to uni, but anything more than that i cant manage...i dont have any energy and even little tasks like washing and dressing seem unmanageable and too much for me.

Third, certain herbs like Saint John's Wort are quite powerful against mild to moderate depression that I believe is your case with few if any side effects. Clinical studies have found it as powerful as tricyclic antidepressants. Be sure not to receive large doses of Saint John's Wort as it can be toxic and not to receive any conventional drugs if you take it, as it can interact with them.
i have severe depression - and am on anti-depressants which St Johns Wort interacts with.

Fourth, vitamins, like B Complex vitamins, Selenium, Fish Oil and vitamin C also help.
i have tried fish oil suplements, and multivitamins with no positive effect.

Fifth, foods like coffee, bananas or chocolate have anti depressant effects (especially the coffee).
cool...any excuse to eat chocolate!!

Sixth, restate your goals. Sadness comes when we are unable to reach our goals. Now, what can you do? Divide your goals into smaller goals that can be satisfied in the short turn. This one is a good one. If your believe your life has turned very much the way you don't want it to be, reverse to very basic goals (like eating, sleeping, watching a movie, going out, do things that you like) and slowly go up the ladder again aiming for your goals. Stop when you think it is unrealistic to aim higher.
i'll give this a go - i am a total perfectionist and set myself really high standards so yeh i do have to work on this.

You can even sublime sadness, by doing activities that cause you joy. Joy is the opposite of sadness. When you feel you are in a sad mood, do activities that cause you joy.
im afraid for a while now nothing provides me any joy. i try at times to be around people to stop my mind thinking about sad stuff tho if that counts?

but if depression lasts for a long time...
try living with it for 6+ years :(

If depression keeps lingering fortunately there are other options too, like ECT (electroconvulsive theraoy), ask your doctor about it. It's very very effective.
wow way too scary - and ive heard reports of a lot of people who says it affects their memory.

Depression is an extremely curable problem, BUT YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
im trying, i promise. just nothing seems to be working. i have confused my dr's by this. they dont seem to know why im not responding to treatment.

thanks for taking the time to read this thread and offer ur advice somebody.
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Postby somebody » Tue Oct 23, 2007 4:21 pm

ifonly...,

of course you are trying. Keep trying.


Quote:

Sixth, restate your goals. Sadness comes when we are unable to reach our goals. Now, what can you do? Divide your goals into smaller goals that can be satisfied in the short turn. This one is a good one. If your believe your life has turned very much the way you don't want it to be, reverse to very basic goals (like eating, sleeping, watching a movie, going out, do things that you like) and slowly go up the ladder again aiming for your goals. Stop when you think it is unrealistic to aim higher.

i'll give this a go - i am a total perfectionist and set myself really high standards so yeh i do have to work on this.


Yes, you shouldn't be perfectionist. It's impossible to be perfect, nobody is. I understand perfectionism may be trait of character and not be considered abnormal per se, but give yourself little breaks.

Try to do your best, but don't be too harsh to yourself. Say to yourself "I am doing the best I can do", instead of "I should be the best".

So, here is what you can do now:

1) Don't expect to become depression free right away. It will take some time to get to that point. The important thing for now is to refrain from self destructive behaviour.

1) Don't be too harsh to youself. Try instead to be supportive to yourself and be your best friend.

2) Restate your goals to smaller goals and work on the smaller goals first
.
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