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Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Open Discussions about Self Esteem and Related Issues

Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby Joan of Arc » Wed Jun 17, 2009 6:01 am

I experience problems with being assertive. To me assirtiveness would be one of the best skills to learn.

I do not believe that eliminating the aggressors or everyone in your life that makes you feel hurt or constantly belittles you is a good idea. Sometimes you just don't have a choice. I personally have had problems with my partners friends. Obviously friendship is important and you don't want to be that person that gives an ultimatum. Last year I was going through a really rough patch and didn't have anywhere else to go, and so I went to my partners place because it was the safest place I could be (or so I thought). All I did was cry and his housemates said that they didn't want me to be around the place when I was like this. Instead of talking this through with them personally, I got upset. I stormed off in a big huff because my partner was not sticking up for me. Then as I was making my way home I decided that what had just happened was not good enough. This is where I made the bad move. I decided to go back to the apartment and stick up for myself because my partner wouldn't. I wanted to explain to them how important it was for them to be understanding on this because I had no where to go. Instead I went in and screamed at the person that had unwelcomed me because I was so angry that I had been treated the way I did. This made me feel worse and made the situation worse. Rather than being assertive I became aggressive because I could not explain what I needed to and automatically assumed they would not understand. Making assumptions is one of the worst things you can possibly do but I just still to this very day have trouble not assuming that people think the worst of me. Because I never had the chance to go over this with the person I still feel hurt to this very day. And he has probably forgotten about it but I am in pain.

I hate not being assertive and once I learn to be I hope that in future these sort of things will not happen again.
It is difficult though when you do not trust anyone - hopefully that will also improve with time.
"One can drive away the clouds and find that, behind them, the sun has always been there and the sky has always been clear." -Daniel Goleman
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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby Christopher5 » Sat Jul 11, 2009 8:35 am

Hi!
I totally agree with you. Being assertive is a must.
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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby superpowers » Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:59 pm

assertiveness and self esteem are two totally different things.

I think you're getting confused here. though obviously the two are related, this is only indirectly.

self esteem is to do with how you feel on the inside. It is to do with your emotional state and how you interpret yourself.

assertiveness deals with your beliefs in social situations and isn't directly connected with emotion.

to build assertiveness is simply about being a more sociable person - being open to other people, talking more and showing a genuine interest. The more you do that, the more you will develop assertiveness automatically ie you will be comfortable to talk assertively.
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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby majorbakor » Wed May 18, 2011 1:21 am

I think that my own assertiveness is lacking in the area of my wilingness to try new activities try and make friends. I think tht I have boundaries, because I think that they are based on my understanding of the world. They may be somewhat obscure or unclear, but they are there. If I had enough confidence to allow other people to tell me that I am wrong then I would probably have higher self-esteem. My self-esteem is low because I don't have any marketable skills to find a job with or to pursue any other avenue of supporting myself. I don't know what would happen if I could no longer live with my mother because I don't think that I could support myself. When I know that I can suport myself, then I will have the confidence to assert myself into other areas of my life.

Erin51,
If you begin to try new things, like rock climbung or something that requires your own patience and concentration, then your boundaries regarding your own abilities will come out naturally. You will know what you are and are not good at and are willing and and un-willing to do and that will open up into other areas of your life. I think that it is like building up steam or momentum. I think that that is a method that will alow you to grow naturally and let you get a good feel for your own assertiveness.

Let me know what you think of that idea.

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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby Chic Geek » Wed Jun 22, 2011 9:13 am

I have trouble with assertiveness because I have Asperger's. I don't realize that I am crossing the line which leads to self-doubt later on which leads to anxiety which leads to low self-esteem which leads to avoiding social situations in the first place. I do best within my immediate family who either has a form of Asperger's or loves me even though I am non assertive. I have stronger views than most and I find it difficult to not express them when they arise in conversation so either I shut up and get viewed as anti-social or I tell them them how I really feel which gets me shunned. Its a no win situation in my case.

My father is assertive on the other hand but overly-so because he also has Asperger's, but he doesn't care so he doesn't have low self-esteem. He has also learned to control it for the most part.

I totally lost it for the first time in a long time the other day on my lawyer. I made an appointment to see him regarding an issue that I had and when I walked into his office he had two chairs that were covered with stuff and no place for me to sit down. As soon as I walked into his office his greeting was "What?" I explained that I had an appointment and that I had some questions. He asked me what the questions were. I replied that it wold probably take a while and that I'd like to sit down. He told me to "just clean off one of those seats". This is where it got ugly. He got up, cleared the seat hesitantly and then I started to remove some correspondence I had received in the mail from the government to try to get him to "decode" it for me. He started talking down to me and accusing me of not giving him a letter that was sent to me. How in the hell am I supposed to know he didn't receive a letter? This is where my assertiveness took a nasty, nasty turn into anger. I guess most people would just nod and smile but I F-REAKED out on him for a good 10 minutes. I said in more or less words "You are barking up the wrong tree and you work for me, not the other way around." I calmed down, but he never stopped talking down to me or apologized.

Who knows how the office people took it. If he treats them half as bad as he treated me they probably were cheering in their own heads. I would get another lawyer but now I am so invested into this thing it doesn't make sense. I will be however, all over the internet telling my story on him because I have no idea how he stays in business.
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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby monarch » Sun Jul 31, 2011 2:04 pm

But to be assertive, you need to know that what you are doing, saying, or thinking is right. What if you are always wrong? I don't mind other people being assertive because they are right, but when I try to be assertive it is always wrong. So what good is being assertive if you are wrong?
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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby Platypus » Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:09 am

Hey monarch,
Why would you think you are always wrong? :shock: :(
If you think or feel something, then that is what you think or feel - there can be nothing wrong about it. Your opinions and experiences are as valid as anybody else’s.
No diagnosis, lots of opinions, and a bunch of issues that I haven't quite figured out.
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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby monarch » Sat Aug 06, 2011 7:40 pm

My reasoning is going to sound stupid to most people, I already know that. But that doesn't change how things turn out. For the first 18 years of my life, I was told every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, that everything I ever do or say is wrong. Even my existing is wrong. When I was younger, I was hoping that wasn't true, and that my mother was just being mean all the time. I couldn't wait to get away, and have not gone back. But unfortunately, I have learned as an adult throughout the years, that when I do venture to say something, it does indeed turn out to be wrong. Or at least not as good as what anyone else would say. So as much as I wish what I was told my entire childhood was just someone being mean, apparently it was more true than I have wanted it to be.

Sorry for hijacking this thread a little. I think being assertive is a good thing for most people.
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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby Platypus » Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:57 am

Aw monarch, I'm sorry to hear what you were told. :( I can relate - my parents told me that I was an embarrassment and that I failed at everything I did. But they were wrong, and I'm sure your mother was wrong too. I don't know why she said such mean things, but it was not a refection of you and your behaviour, but of her and her emotional problems.

Think about it...why would a parent need to keep telling their child they are wrong? The need comes from within her. Nothing you could have done would have changed that. :|

You need to break away from the bad lessons you have been taught. You can be your own good parent. Tell yourself the nice things that your parents should have said to you. Please stop repeating your mother’s negative lies.
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Re: Assertiveness, an essential skill for self esteem

Postby MichaelWilliams » Sat Aug 20, 2011 12:35 pm

Good article.

I think assertiveness is derived from self esteem: when you have high self-esteem it is easier to be assertive and state what you want without fear. On the other hand, when you insist on your principles and stand behind them your self-respect and esteem rise as well.

It's a self-feeding cycle .. much like Success breeds Confidence and vice versa.
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