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Being Too Self-Aware

Open Discussions about Self Esteem and Related Issues

Being Too Self-Aware

Postby SleepingDreams » Mon Jun 19, 2017 5:24 am

I am a man. Eighteen years old.
I think I have quite a few things wrong in my head, but whatever they may be, they're undiagnosed and unnoticeable by the people that don't know me well, and to tell the truth, not a lot of people know me well. Not a lot of people care to know me, which is fair and fine because everybody has their own lives and we all feel like the main protagonist in our story, so it would be rare for someone to willingly invest their time getting involved as a supporting character in someone else's story. I understand that, which is why I'm trying to convince myself that I'm writing this for me, and should anybody want to take up their day responding, it'd be up to them. Totally optional, I'm mostly just venting.

Now on to the problems. Let's see, it starts like this: I am always trying to be mentally ahead of my reality. I'm uncomfortable with the knowledge that there are things outside of my periphery that will only become a part of my reality in the future. I have always described myself as an "overthinker", which is an appropriate simplification. I analyze the society around me vigorously, and have always tried to be someone who is both a freethinker and a part of something.

See, usually people operate in their society pretty instinctively, don't they? People fit somewhere doing something, go on to find a man or woman that they can "click" with and engage in a relationship with, and so forth. Like puzzle pieces that fit just right, and sometimes I feel like it's because of blissful ignorance. A puzzle piece does not ask itself why it is the way that it is, and also doesn't question why all the other pieces are that way. I am self-aware to a level that I feel is unhealthy. That is one of my main problems, one that leads to a plethora of sub-problems. One of them is a self-esteem issue. You know how men have that natural male-instinct that makes them essentially different from women? That macho, inherently dominant kind of thing, that fits just right with the way women usually are(with anomalies, of course. I'm not trying to be misogynistic)? I have that, but it's buried deep beneath the part of my mind that is always trying to be ahead of its instincts. Incubating, or really just underdeveloped. Call me crazy, but I think there is this collective disregard for a man when he doesn't have that manhood, that acceptance to challenge. My educated guess is that that probably has to do with evolutionary survival instincts; when the man isn't in his instinctual manhood, he just can't help the group survive, so who needs him? I was raised by my mother, therefore maybe that's part of what made me so unbalanced this way.

Due to this way that I am, I'm not a socially graceful person. I'm very anxious about a lot of things; not as much as other people with some real problems, but it's there. This anti-socialness has led me to become an observer, and what I observe from people really disappoints me, so I am often pessimistic. I try not to be unkind to anyone, but when has kindness ever really been noticed? So I daydream a lot about being social, being good at flirting, being a leader, being the person that I wish I could be. All the while the present moment is going by unnoticed by yours truly, so I miss it entirely. I've often been called out for this lack of focus on the moment. It makes me a clumsy person, terrible at finding things, and generally slow during work. I'm aware of all these things, see? I would like very much to change, and rather than constantly imagining being somebody that takes action in life, I want to stop that and solidify myself in the moment; to be spontaneous, positive, and ultimately happy. I sometimes wish that I had that blissful ignorance that most people have and simply let things fall into place without questioning, be the puzzle piece that fits, but my mental habits are automatic. Every day I'm going in circles, and it's as if the more I know the dumber I feel. This is most prominent in the midst of a bunch of people. It's this almost narcissistic notion of "I'm smart enough to be aware of so much more than them, and yet too dumb to be as happy as they are".

That's as much as I could think of about myself. I don't know if ranting has made me any better, but I like writing (I write a lot of stories), so this was nice. If anyone can relate, do tell.
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Re: Being Too Self-Aware

Postby UpDownAround » Mon Jun 19, 2017 4:08 pm

I can give you some insight as to what that is like 40 years later. Self aware me and public facing me are distinctly different. One of my greatest fears is people close to me finding out they don't know me at all. OTOH, I have stood up the facade for so long that it really is part of who I am now.

I have one impulse I have trouble with that would totally freak out almost everyone. Poses no danger to myself or others but absolutely considered deviant behavior. I think I have put it in the past and then a year or two later it's like I am watching a movie and can't stop it; I am naked somewhere I should not be but at least hiding it and not getting caught is part of the thrill. I have not been caught ever. It has been a while since it happened last but I recently mentioned it here on a forum and now I keep catching myself imagining a place I could pull it off and try really hard to be revolted and not excited about it. I am very aware that society sees this as deviant behavior that could cause me to wind up arrested and alienate a lot of people. But the pull is there and it's strong. I have others that I manage to withstand (sort of; I sneak drinks and work doc to legally get drugs sometimes). It is incredibly frustrating to have a voice of reason that I ignore sometimes.

Here is something else I keep in mind - self aware me is also flawed and no one is watching over that guy...
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Re: Being Too Self-Aware

Postby UpDownAround » Mon Jun 19, 2017 6:08 pm

Oh yeah, I left a couple of things out...

Sometimes I absolutely believe I am on another plane and that no one else really understands what is going on and how unimportant this all is. Self aware me becomes world aware me. I still hold up the facade but there are some cracks in it. Blissful ignorance does seem attractive sometimes.

I was socially awkward until my early 20s when a woman "trained" me. I had a bunch of failed relationships after that. It turns out getting close and seducing someone is easy when you think you are in love or think you should be and the facade plays the part. Staying close is much harder because they figure out there is a facade and get really pissed if you won't let them see what's behind it.
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Re: Being Too Self-Aware

Postby Rickamateur » Tue Jun 20, 2017 11:10 pm

Hi SleepingDreams,

I personally think what you are describing tend to be what introverts are. Basically people who keep to themselves, often overthinking things and generally unnoticed in society. I'm an introvert myself and generally just fade in the background regardless where I'm at.

Now, there are many things wrong with society so I can understand your pessimism. However, we must also remember that, just as there are all this ugliness in life, we also have beautiful things to balance them out. While kindness doesn't seem to be noticed by many, it does get noticed by those affected. We all from time to time hear those touching moments where a simple act of kindness changed lives forever.

As for being envious of how others are, I think what they show might be an illusion. There are lots of people out there putting an act where they fit in and seem happy while they are really unhappy and unfulfilled inside. I think you should just be who you are and stop trying being someone you're not. I believe we all have a purpose and it's hard to find it. You're 18 so you have plenty of time.

One thing about life is that we are constantly searching for that purpose. The more we try to be someone we're not, the harder it is to find it. I just suggest being yourself, keep going forward doing what you love and you will not only find purpose but also like-minded people you enjoy company of. I hope you have a great day! :)
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