I know this has been more or less dead for a while, but I didn't want to make another topic.
I think I need to stop moaning. My life is a mess, quite frankly. I'm 17, have no job, slack off at school, my room's a tip, I masturbate too much, I have no real friends, I even feel distant from my family now.
It's like I know I'm doing something wrong, but I can't figure it out. I keep telling myself that the answer is right in front of me, but it seems that's just made me lazy. i think i shouldn't overthink my problems.
I seem to be doing something or not doing something thats making me like this.
The weird thing is I'm not sad. Nor am I happy. i really don't seem to care for anyting anymore. I sit and play games and look at porn all day and night.
I used to contemplate killing myself, but i know that that's just selfish. that's something else, I seem to be inherently selfish. Or at least that's what I think. I don't know whether it's a part of who I am or if I'm just being a douche.
I can't figure much out. I feel like I don't care, but at the same time that I have to.
I just feel so distant from everyone. I still get nervous that everyone hates me. Since my best friend moved away a few days ago, another acquaintance has been round a few times to say hi. But we haven't much in common and I can never think of anything to say that seems remotely interesting. It's a case of "what have you been doing", "oh, not much, you?". I never seem to be myself, I think that's my problem. i'm not relaxed. But then, I don't know who "me" is. Whether I'm just lying to myself and the real me is somewhere inside me. I used to get along better with people. I was never extrovert or anything, but I at least could speak to other people at school. I don't know what's happened there.
I think I'm crazy sometimes. it's not that i really feel crazy, it's just the impression I get from others. Or is that just me worrying.
I want to find some goddamn answers. Something that I know is true about me. I want some friends, dammit!!!! Even online, i get the impression that people don't like me cos I can never think of anything to say. It's probably cos there's this guy shaun that I hate and so did my friend who moved away, althoug shaun believed he was my friend's best mate. He kisses ass and brags all the time in roundabout ways. I worry that something I say might do the same thing and that people wont like me for it. that migt be part of the reason why i can never think of anythiing to say.
I need to get out of this rut. I think i'm at an age where i need to be having life affirming experiences that will make me a better person later in life. I want to live life, not stay holed up in my room. My parents gave birth to me so they could have a son, not some weirdo who does nothng but sit on his ass. I want to make them proud.
I'm sorry, I really needed a good rant to straighten out my thoughts, even though what I think up now might be changed later on. Any help you guys can give would be fantastic.
Thanks so much.
btw, I've decided that the kid thing isn't going away, so i just have to not let it define me or affect who I am. recently it hasnt bothered me much anyway.
"Taking your own life with boredom, I'm taking my own life with wine."--Alkaline Trio - Radio