The person I love has Schizotypal: Please help me understand

Hi. I know this is a long post, but it would mean the world to me if you would take a read and give me your thoughts.

In the beginning of April I started dating someone who I really liked, and who I felt I had a really great connection with. He was funny, charming, sweet, and we had a great deal of interests in common. We met several times after and had a fantastic time together. He introduced me to several of his friends and not long after he also got to meet up with my mum for lunch. I felt like I was at the top of the world, with things going well at work, at university, and now I had finally met someone who I really liked. Three weeks later, he sent me a long SMS where he said that he had Schizotypal personality disorder and that he had wanted to tell me in person, but felt it was too difficult to bring up. He wrote that he understood if I no longer wanted to be together with him. Without knowing what on earth Schizotypal was, I told him that I of course wasn't going anywhere, and that I was willing to do anything to make things work. So far, I hadn't felt anything particularly odd or different about him other than he was usually a quiet type of guy. He seemed perfectly ordinary.

A month later, he goes away to visit his parents for a week. After he returned, everything changed. We were supposed to meet up some days after, but he told me that he felt psychologically ill and that he wanted to be alone. I told him that was perfectly fine, and I hoped for his swift recovery. Days pass, and not a single message from him. Something was wrong. I write to him on Facebook, asking how he was doing. He's seen my message. No reply. I can see he is online on all social media platforms. Later the same day, I write to him again and he replies, but only with single sentences.

A few days later I write again. This time, no reply. I start to worry: Has he lost interest in me? Have I done something wrong? I google "schizotypal symptoms", and read that depression and a tendency to isolate oneself are among them. I decide that I want to be there for him, and call him over the phone. He doesn't answer, but he does reply to my messages over Facebook. He writes that he cannot psychologically deal with anything right now. I ask if I have done something wrong. He plainly answers "No".

Another few days pass and my emotional capacity is reaching its limit. He hasn't reached out to me in over a week. I write him a message, asking if he was getting better and if it would help if I came over to talk to him. He sees the message. No reply. I get frustrated and upset and write that if he wants nothing to do with me, then he can at least be direct and tell me the truth. Finally, he gives a long answer, telling me that I don't understand his psychological condition and that if wanted to be in a relationship with someone without a mental illness, then I should go do that. I'm in pain. I write: "How can you expect me to understand your condition if you never want to meet up and talk about it?". He answers: "That's exactly the point! Sometimes I don't even have the mental capacity to get out of bed. How do you then expect me to be able to give you daily updates of how I'm feeling?". I'm in emotional distress. I write: "I'm coming over to see you, whether you like it or not. See you in 20 minutes". He repeats that he is in no condition to talk to me and that I wouldn't be let in and should just turn around. By the time I'm at his apartment's front entrance I'm in tears. I beg him via text to open up and let me talk to him. He answers "I CAN'T /u/Piotyras".

This was my last correspondence with him from 2 days ago. I've realized now the gravity of his condition and that he is much sicker than I had ever imagined. But I'm having such a hard time understanding what's happened. He's a completely different person from the one I got to know during our first month together. We went out, we met friends, we dated, we talked, we had daily contact. He seemed perfectly ordinary. Now, he has isolated himself from the world, and trying to make contact with him seems to only makes it worse.

I hope someone out there can help me understand my situation. Thank you for reading.

Essentially, he has a mild form of schizophrenia so that he's able to generally function in society without having to take medication:
https://www.livingwithschizophreniauk.o ... rstanding/

My brother has Schizophrenia and tends to go missing for long periods, living in the woods whereas I just come across as very quiet and "anti-social" etc. But this can cause severe problems for me when interacting with my work colleagues and people in general. I would describe it as a deadening of my personality's ability to generate appropriate social signals for other people making them feel valued by me.

As a guess, your friend has put on a mask so that he doesn't alienate people including you. But he's not interested in having a long term, meaningful relationship with you. He likely sees you as a casual friend that he cares about from the periphery of society looking in.

Hi.

As someone with schizotypal who has been in a relationship for the last 3 years, I can say things are not easy but they are manageable. I've done that to my partner before, completely disconnected myself because I just needed to isolate. There are times I struggle badly and I lose all of my interest in my passions and in life and in anyone who is around me. Sometimes I just need no stimulus at all, no talking, no lights, no communication, nothing. It's just like someone going on vacation with their family for a few weeks or whatever, and then feeling relief to come home and NOT be around their family. It's the same kind of concept. Except there's no real "relief" I guess, it's more like . . . flat-lined contentment.

Everyone's experiences are different. So I can only really speak for myself. For my partner, I know he's struggled a lot with me. In the beginning we were rocky too, very rocky. He comes from a very large, very active family who all greet each other with hugs and compliments and all this other stuff and I come from a very small, chaotic, traumatic childhood and family. It's been 3 years and I've yet to really connect with anyone in his family, not even his parents.

Will things be like a "typical" relationship for you two? Not in the lightest. Who wants a typical relationship anyway? Too boring. Eccentric and odd is the best way to go. We've got chocolate chip cookies on this side.

My thoughts on this matter would be that 1) sometimes people need to go through their own processes. That goes for anyone, not just people who struggle mentally. If you feel that you might struggle with allowing that, maybe it's time to think about whether or not the partnership will work?

2) Both of you will need to sit down and have a conversation about this. It needs to be in the open and I hope he would be able to explain more of what he experiences when he's out of that state of mind a little. I hope that, for you, you will be able to meet him in a place of understanding and support, just as I hope he would meet you in that same place with whatever your thoughts and feelings are in all of this.

3) Looking at it as "sickness" can also put a damper on your level of understanding about this. He is an ordinary human being. He struggles, that's all. I'm not sure how much you and him have shared with each other about each other's history or each other's story; there could be many untold things about him you're not aware of, painful things, happy things, whatever. And I'm sure there are many untold things about yourself he's not aware of. We all experience life differently, and he experiences life this way. It's hard to really understand something about someone without knowing their story.

Anyway, I wish the best for you two.

Pirotyrus,

I love a man with StPD as well. My experience has been almost identical to yours, with further outcome. And over the course of two years. Feel free to message me and I will share privately with you.

Alucard - What a loving, thoughtful and insightful replay you've given. Thank you. If only I had reached out here 2 years ago I would have found relief. It's very hard to love with this condition. You've helped people with your generous time and experience.

Peanut~

I was touched by your story, more than I was by his pathology. He has left you in a way that is hardly bearable for any person, not even willing to communicate and adapt. Apparently he feels that people don't take him seriously and should be supportive. How long does he know about his condition? There comes a time when you should be willing to compromise when you have a disorder. If I were you I would try to get myself together and let him fight for you first.