by ocular_razor » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:07 am
hello i've been slacking on my scripture reading as of late but i have asked, am asking, and probably will continue to ask some of the questions you're asking. i can't remember exactly at the moment but in one of paul's writings he talks about times when you doubt your own salvation. i'm sure that's another reason for my damnation i can't even be bothered to find it.
with the situation i'm currently in i am certain that it was spiritually influenced, things beyond the scope maneuvering until an absolute blockade is put up. everyone's marchin around my fortress, waitin me out, cuttin off supply lines, throwin poison within my walls. it is implausible to be bad timing, the assault is intentional.
ya know, i oughtta not get upset with jesus but many times i am weak. but he's truly all i've got. half of everyone i see and know hate my guts through to the core, the other half want to see me dead. i'm sure there are a handful that are simply indifferent about it. the assault is strong, i only barely managed to make it back to my castle to only wait for murder. but what can motivate so many people against someone as small and weak as i am? so many people i've never even seen before, people i've never wronged.
it's a spiritual motivation. not a spirit of light but absolute darkness. where some people literally shed their flesh, look nothing like people but demons instead. nah i don't think they're pod people, they intentionally submit their bodies to the human/fallen angel hybrids so that they can carry out their slaughter.
the insanity out there! if ya read the bible you're called a religious nutcase. but if ya abort your child you're liberated. i personally think if you've got questions for or doubts against jesus then it is best to seek them out. sometimes seeking them out consists of stumbling onto it.
i have been deceived many times but have also found answers the last place i'da thought to look. spiritual training is like strength training. when ya work your muscles until the same exercise becomes easy but just keep doing the same thing, no more building takes place. the edge is ever moving. honestly that terrifies me because i never think i'm gonna make it to the next rep or the next bar or the next step. it terrifies me because my brain will turn to utter mush - i am breathing but i am suffocating and nothing gets easier. even though i think i've been abandoned at least he has not turned against me.
but i noticed that with the docs i had you couldn't talk about anything biblical without getting a stink eye along with some notes jotted down and then a dosage increase. there was no conversations regarding it, just leavin ya out of the loop.
i am waiting for the day when uncle sam decides to get medicated.