Paranoid schizophrenia, suicidal tendencies, and life. *TW*

Hello,

I am posting in this forum in the hopes that the perspectives of others may help me adjust my perception of reality, as I feel it has deteriorated to the point of delusion. If you have some time, please read my story, and make a comment. I appreciate it.

Let me give you some background on my situation.

I am a 25 year old straight white male, born in Europe, but have lived in North America over half of my time on this planet. I have stayed with my parents my entire life, except for one year in my early twenties, when I was studying engineering at a school in Europe. Through my school years, I was near if not at the top of my class, but my success deteriorated tremendously after my first year of university, most prominently due to the declination of my mental health. I suffer from depression and am diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

Through my adult life I have suffered through paranoid thoughts and persecutory auditory hallucinations, both sober and not, that cause me tremendous amounts of stress. It has completely affected my ability to function socially, as it is difficult for me to judge the true nature of the situation thanks to my paranoid frame of mind. These paranoid delusions and thoughts do not only affect my patterns of thinking, they also elicit physiological responses as well, such as increased heart rate, and sweaty hands, for example. I frequently perceive every negative stimuli in my environment to be in some way, shape, or form, linked to or directed towards me. Even innocuous comments which, upon later review, are completely harmless, at the time seem to be malicious or hateful. I react accordingly and this unnerves people and I am sure I come across as strange. I perceive that my behavior has deteriorated all my personal relationships to a point where I can no longer say with any conviction that I have a true friend. Although I am able to operate fairly decently in my everyday work and life, the rate of my evolution is extremely slow and my quality of life very low. I doubt my ability to create a life for myself that is fulfilled and happy in the long run, and view myself as a social burden and a toxic agent that can not consistently maintain healthy relationships with other human beings.

Two years ago, I attempted suicide through *mod edit*. Approximately an hour after I had fallen unconscious, my roommate found me and I was transported to a hospital and put on life support. I survived the ordeal, with all mental facilities still in order, and no lingering medical problems, as far as I can tell. I was transported to the hospital's psych ward, and spent two weeks there until being released. The doctor's with whom I had contact with in the hospital assessed and diagnosed me with paranoid schizophrenia, and I was prescribed anti-psychotic medication.

I have attempted to change my life through counseling, exercising, eating healthy, changing my lifestyle, taking prescription anti-psychotic medication medication for months at a time, all with minor positive effect for a short period of time, but I always recede into a paranoid downwards spiral, and my pattern of thought is still to this day worsening.

I grow tired of this constant battle, and am wondering, are there others out there who are going through or have gone through something similar that could offer some wisdom on how they are dealing with, or how they healed themselves of this illness?

Thanks for reading.

I have moved this post to the Schizophrenia Forum, but have left a shadow so that it can be seen from both forums.

I still go through things like that. I work at a grocery store, and will deal with a customer from time to time. If they don't say "thank you," or something after I help them, I view it as "they're going to come back and kill me," or "I did something wrong," but mainly the first one. I'm so paranoid over the whole thing. If I actually do get someone mad at me, I breakdown, I get really, really depressed and paranoid, to the point where I can't even function.

I know what you're going through, and it's hard. it really is. The thing that helps me is having things I can go to, to get my mind off of stuff, such as hobbies. Do you have hobbies? I will use video games, mainly, to get my mind off of things. I'm only a year younger than you, and grew up with them and the internet. Another thing I do is YouTube. There's a lot of stuff on there that you can spend days, if not weeks watching (series and such). I also like to read and listen to music.I don't have many friends either. I have coworkers that I can talk to and tolerate, but as for actually doing something with outside of work, none. I have a boyfriend, who suffers from a personality disorder. He's always been there for me. That's something else that can help. I know you said your personal relationships are fading, but do you have any family that you could talk to? A cousin, a sibling, even a parent. Talking to things can help.

Another thing I can recommend, if you're able to, is trying a different medication. Be honest and upfront with your psychiatrist. If the medication isn't working, asked to be put on another one.

Also, you mentioned going through hallucinations, "sober or not," I do not recommend doing any sort of drugs. Alcohol, marijuana, hard drugs, abusing prescription drugs, all of them can make your paranoia and hallucinations worse, and except for alcohol, will do so with even a single use.

But you are not alone. I moderate the Schizophrenia forum here (where I'm posting this), and I see this all the time. Young people suffering with their mental illness.

May I ask what medication you've tried and what medication, if any, you're on?