Bad place

Hi all

I am 30 years old and I got diagnosed with Paranoid schizophrenia a couple of years ago. Last winter I was using methamphetamine and hashish regularly, I think I started self-medicating because my dad got diagnised with cancer.
Now I have been completely clean and sober for 4 months and my dad is ok, but I feel like I just want to die. The first couple of months after quitting were great. I felt like I was on top of the world, but then it started to go downhill. Now I don't go out of my house because I'm very scared. I don't know what to do when I run out of food. I've been thinking maybe I'll just starve to death, but I'll probably just get my parents to shop for me.
I think I get this life now and have learned about suffering so maybe my time has come. I just feel bad for my parents because they want me alive, I love them.
Help me

I feel much better now and I think I know why I have felt bad lately. Many relatives of mine came to town this summer and I didn't want to meet them. I think they sent me a lot of negative energy because of that and made me sick in my head. They have left now so I'm not under their influence any more.
I just have to be patient and keep staying away from alcohol and drugs.
Please send me some positive energy, it will give me strength.

Congratulations on being four months sober! Stay strong . None of it is easy but keep the positive thoughts rolling and know you're not alone, you can do this! Your parents love you and you have to learn to love you. Good luck to you and your dad.

Ylajali, If you will continue not to leave the house, you will feel worse and worse.
There is a direct correlation.
If you want to get better you need to force yourself to live an ordinary life of a healthy person and start to do sports.

Thanks Alucard for the nice uplifting words! Yes I'm not alone, and there's still hope for me. I will try to love myself.
Malasha, you are right. I need to go outside and I'm planning to do so tomorrow. I will go to the grocery store and buy some food. It feels like something very terrible will happen to me if I leave the house, but I will go tomorrow.
I have been living like on a isolate for a while now. My place is very small and that makes it even more like a prison. Being with other people is hard because I can see through their lies and schemes. I'm not crazy, it's all the people who are crazy, dumb or mean and making me feel bad. You have to be mean or naive to make it in this mad world and when my parents are gone I can leave this world too. I can't make it here, my eyes are too open.
I will go shopping tomorrow and I hope I can avoid those who are out to get me.

You're battling two things at once. One is schizophrenia, the other is substances. It's like having a full plate on Thanksgiving. You may take care of one serving, but your plate fills up with more. Try to take things one step at a time, and stay sober. That is something to be proud of, and confident for. As you feel less interest in substances, it may become easier to adapt to schizophrenia. Don't get frustrated, it is difficult to deal with challenges like these.

Thank you LesMisJim, those are very uplifting words! I just have to take one day at a time and stay clean and sober.

Ylajali wrote:It feels like something very terrible will happen to me if I leave the house, but I will go tomorrow.

Ylajali, these feelings are like the wind. The wind flew by and it is no more. It can't blow away you, you can be stronger than it..

Ylajali wrote: Being with other people is hard because I can see through their lies and schemes.

Ylajali, each person are creating their own little world around yourself. If you want to make the world a kinder place don't scold others but just do something that will help others. That's at least feed the hungry cat and you will see true gratitude.

That's some good input Malasha. I went to the grocery store today, it was hard on my nerves but I made it. Helping others is a good idea, I will be on the lookout for others in need. I took a Valium an hour ago and feel a little dazed. I like this forum.

Keep getting out of the house. If you have anyone - a friend, relative, whatever - that you can trust to be around, perhaps go outside with them for a while. Take a walk, enjoy the fresh air. Being out is fairly good, but human interaction is fairly crucial to staying healthy, in my opinion.