I have been considering seeing a psychiatrist recently. I’ll list my concerns below, but my main question is: If I were to receive this diagnosis, would they have to hospitalize me? (I could always refuse, right?) I am the main caregiver for my 2 year old and four month old (husband works 70+ hour weeks), and I do not want us to be separated.
Anyway, I definitely have a problem with pacing and talking to myself out loud. I am completely consumed with thoughts of becoming a powerful world leader, becoming a famous scientist/genius, etc. I often feel like the whole world is watching and admiring my every move. The pacing takes up so many hours out of my day, that I have begun failing classes and fear of losing my job for incomplete work.
When I was 13, I suddenly became terrified that I was possessed by the devil. I would lie awake and not know whether the bed was moving or shaking, and be too scared to fall asleep. I was afraid to look people in the eyes, I was afraid they could see my thoughts. I told my father a bit of what was going on, he decided Catholic school was messing me up. The fear of possession and existential ruminations about God and morality eventually faded.
During high school, I was consumed by disturbing thoughts like stabbing people in the eyes, running them over with my car, inappropriate sexual thoughts, etc. I was afraid of losing control. I started picking at my skin and pulling out my hair. I would touch certain areas of the walls as I was pacing, and the paint eventually rubbed off and the rug wore down. My sister would peek through the door with her friends and snicker at me. Talking to people gave me extreme anxiety, I just didn’t know how to do it, although I did have two friends who were also socially awkward.
I dropped out of college to join a martial arts gym, and was trained how to be a salesperson. I learned all about reading people’s body language and how to manipulate them into buying the most expensive program. I became very good at talking to people (but I don’t seem to have a distinct personality; I kind of adopt their personality while I’m speaking to them). The sifu convinced us he would teach us how to harness our chi and send people flying over a fence with the touch of one finger. I’m pretty sure the place was a cult.
Anyway, I’m having a harder time talking to people recently. I have to constantly monitor my facial expressions, or I end up talking about something like child abuse with a huge giggly grin. I’ve been losing my train of thought mid-sentence and being unable to speak. I’ve been seeing flashing lights, hearing static, and trying to pull spiderwebs off me that aren’t there. I keep thinking I see bugs flying out of the corner of my eye, or a black animal crouching. One time I saw the black animal crawl toward me (but it was in a dark room, and I blamed it on being tired). Sometimes I lie in bed and feel anxious that ghosts are watching me, or that the animal will come back. Thoughts?