but i dont understand if im allowed to think im schizophrenic because im not supposed to have this insight? am i not supposed to realize that the stuff i see isn't real or understand myself that i should control my impulses or restrain the thoughts of being jesus or a messenger of the higher powers?
everyone around me says im fairly normal but i repress so much and it stresses me. i walked in on a conversation between two people i know talking about schizophrenia and they looked at me.
one said "hey i hope you didnt misinterpret our conversation, we were just talking about how normal we think you are." was he lying? i dont know.
i told him before about how i feel i need psychiatric evaluation and knowing people talk about me behind my back helps me none.
does simply being able to identify some symptoms or realize when i'm having trouble figuring out if something is real or not invalidate my suspicions? i really feel like i am on the verge of a psychotic break. i wander alone outside at night in tears. my mood weight and lifestyle are on a steady decline and my floor is littered with papers of a torn up magazine. its hurting me and its hurting the people i entrust with these issues. i live with my parents and havent even held a conversation with them in months. im distant from everything and i relate to nobody.
im constantly being told i come off as a jerk. ive been told by my best friend (who i turn to when i enter uncontrollable depression) that im treating them like $#%^ and they only talk to me because theyre "that desperate for company." verbatim. now i realize this would hurt anyone but ive never had someone say something to me that made me question if they were even real.
im really lost right now. whether i am schizophrenic or not doesnt change the fact that im convinced my life is in shambles (or is it just me who is in shambles) and entirely because i cant keep my own damn head straight. i dont know anybody personally with problems like these but ive begun to relate so much to schizophrenic people and this forum. suicide is a welcoming place and ive considered checking myself in to a mental institution because the constant fight not to kill myself seems to warrant such a thing.
should i? therapy barely keels me over week to week. i have made no progress.
what am i supposed to do?
sorry if im unclear in my post. i have trouble communicating these feelings to anybody and im constantly convinced ill be ridiculed or ignored when i share them. half the time i try i end up deleting the whole post.