Well, yesterday was interesting..

So while I was at work yesterday, my wife (who suffers from depression) got drunk at a party, threatened suicide, and started trying to take her full bottle of ativan. She was taken to the ER, made to take charcoal and luckily threw it all up.

During the trip to the ER with her family, apparently she (while extremely drunk) complained nonstop about me, told them all I disliked them and never wanted to hang out with them, that something was wrong with me etc etc.

So they waited to call me, and I didn't hear about it until an hour after I got off work and only through a vague text message..

She was taken into the ICU by the time I got there, and her family greeted me with arms crossed, unable to look me in the eyes, visibly upset and clearly holding their tongue. They made mentions about our relationship being in trouble (I thought we were doing good..), and her father directly asked me what was going on in our relationship, what would cause her to do this...

I said that she's obviously depressed, she rarely drinks but when she does it's vodka, and she's on meds it shouldn't mix with, that she mixes it with. Also she wants a baby right now (after seeing her sister with hers..), but I want to wait until I'm done with furthering my degree (one more year). They "knowingly" glanced at one another, like I'm covering something up and what I'm saying isn't the truth.

Anyway, we get to the ICU, my wife is hooked up to the IV and ECG machine, teeth black, and completely out of it. The father, mother, and sister start crying as they see her, I look at the vitals on the machine (they're good), and calmly stand there. The mother motions me to go see her, I walk next to the bed and touch her arm. I calmly say her name - nothing - she's basically asleep. I turn around and look at the family as they're staring at me in shock and looking somewhat angry. The mother goes over, kisses her on the forehead, etc.,

The father looked very upset and angry at me, said he was going to get some water, told the daughter to follow him, then 10 minutes later she came back and said he went home.

The family ended up staying about 2 hours in the room with her before leaving to go home and sleep. I just got off work, but I ended up (after going home and getting supplies), staying up and awake 14 hours in a chair by the side of her bed, as I didn't want her to wake up alone in that room. I was there each time she woke up, holding her hand so she knew I was there.

Morning came, she returned to normal, but they wanted a psych eval on her. Interviewed her, briefly interviewed me, suggested couples therapy and switching her antidepressant. Also offered having her stay in a mental health unit for recovery and to be observed by a physician - she agreed.

A few minutes before transferring her to the mental health unit - her family (sans dad) arrives. I'm dead tired (awake 26 hours at that point), they're freshly energized, starring daggers at the "monster" I am, and suggest I leave the room to go sleep in the waiting area. I tell them no, there's family's in there - plus I previously asked my wife if she wanted me to give her time alone with her family, and she said no, so I stayed. They ended up staying for 20 minutes, then leaving to go out to eat together and returning with a goody bag for her about an hour later.

Longer story short, my 35+ hour day yesterday ended with an hour "heart to heart" talk with her sister + mother. Despite doing things like putting me (her husband) dead last on my wifes list of phone numbers - putting both her sister who lives in another state, and her younger sister ahead of me - they claim I've done things over the years to make them feel un-welcomed. They were crying by the end of our talk, I awkwardly went to hug the sister - it was awkward, I tried, whatever.

They suggested I needed counseling and to "get a profile" done, and that I needed to take it seriously and "get some help," because "humans are social beings." Their arguments and points during that hour were completely emotional based, logically unsound, but I agreed and said I was completely against counseling for myself previously (I know what I have..), but for the sake of my wife I'll do it.

This will be her first full day at the unit, and I'm positive her family is going to undermine therapy. After I explained they needed to back off with regards to therapy, that it's about my wife and not them, and they needed to let the professionals do their job - the next sentence out of the mothers mouth was how tomorrow (today..) is her day off, and that she could be there all day.

Highlights were them trying to go to group therapy and being told by the nurses they're not allowed to join in (duh..), also the nurse asking who had my wifes purse, the sister saying she does, and the nurse replying "Why? Shouldn't you give that to the husband?" Next was the mother saying before my wife gets discharged, they'll probably do a family counseling session with the sisters/parents - I reminded them my wife is married, and they'll probably be more focused on the marriage relationship rather than parent/daughter/sister dynamics..

I'm also sure the father wants to kill me, they suspect I'm abusive, and they recognize that something is "wrong" with me and demanding I seek help.

And the year just started!!!

Even if she means a lot to you, I, an outside observer with with very limited information, think a divorce would be the best longterm solution for both you and your wife.

In your post you sound pretty reasonable.
I suppose therapy for you and your wife will be a good idea to find out if she has any big issues you need to address together.
Is there a something, a problem that you are aware of?
I take it you are schizoid, so it seems the wife wants more of a social life maybe but then presumably she knew how things were with you before you were married.

Highlights were them trying to go to group therapy and being told by the nurses they're not allowed to join in (duh..), also the nurse asking who had my wifes purse, the sister saying she does, and the nurse replying "Why? Shouldn't you give that to the husband?"

The wife's family come across as over controlling and their attitude unhelpful.

and her father directly asked me what was going on in our relationship, what would cause her to do this...

They are looking for someone to blame, but is not your fault she suffers with depression no more than it is her fault you are schizoid.

Like I say it seems that some sort of therapy/marriage counselling will be a good idea.

I don't like the sound of your in-laws maybe they are the underlying problem? But then maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe they are just ultra concerned. I dunno.
Has she previously had a good healthy relationship with her family, are they generally supportive of both of you, under normal every day circumstances?

I'm bias as my ex in-laws were horrors!

Greatexpectations wrote:I take it you are schizoid, so it seems the wife wants more of a social life maybe but then presumably she knew how things were with you before you were married.

http://www.psychforums.com/schizoid-personality/topic83271-30.html#p732277

Interesting indeed. I guess its true what they say..."when you marry your wife you marry the family". I chuckled a few times. I could sense the awkwardness in those conversations. Hope it works out for ya!

Her family sounds like a bit of a handful. They are probably the root cause of her depression either biologically or at least didn't give her proper coping mechanisms growing up. You sound like someone they can shift the blame to.

I'm also sure the father wants to kill me, they suspect I'm abusive, and they recognize that something is "wrong" with me and demanding I seek help.

Not to sound cold, but your wife needs to grow up. It's not your fault she's making the decisions she does.

When dealing with emotional types, I found therapy actually made my DH and I worse. We kept following their advice on trying to connect "emotionally," I would tell him honestly how I felt, which made him even more emotional. It was like a bad see-saw. He was diagnosed with bipolar nos, tried to kill himself, yada yada, I didn't like him on lithium, didn't agree with his diagnosis. When I analyzed our relationship, and how it became so volatile, I realized that we changed our communication styles. I told him, screw emotions, and emotional connection, from now on we're going back to information exchange. So, it had a dramatic effect on his emotions, after a week, he was humming and whistling, and then he finally quit his lithium.

Anyway, I found when we tried to "connect" on an emotional level, I'm too cold for him, which caused him to react more emotional, which caused me to react more cold, and then him even more emotional. It just spiraled worse and worse. So I told him I remember when I didn't find him draining or an emotional handful, so I switched to a more intellectual connection and now he "feels" loved. He's less an emotional wreck, and I can tolerate him more.

Emotional people are so odd, malleable, and you can change the nature of your relationship with her by just changing a thing here or there. So, I can see you working things out with her, just see how things changed overtime, and figure it out.

archigallus, I've looked at the link, that makes things much clearer.

If you want to stay together a therapist/counsellor is defiantly needed there are quiet a few issues to thrash out. You've not been on the same page for a while from the sounds of it.

Strange behaviour from her family.

It's so sad the point when people make terrible manipulation to you to become a normal "emotional" person. And worst of all when they push me to that i become even more "cold" because of they selfish intentions. I mean, everyone in the family, your wife, and the rest judging you, they want you to feel GUILTY because of what you are. It's so sad that they cannot be just only emotional, they are tyrannic.
That's why i think i will never be able to have a family.



I hope that you can, and fix all the troubles. Try to act like a normal person in that situation and then make an effort in therapy. And try that she make an effort too, to understand you.

coldplayer wrote:Interesting indeed. I guess its true what they say..."when you marry your wife you marry the family". I chuckled a few times. I could sense the awkwardness in those conversations. Hope it works out for ya!

Haha me too. I can totally imagine the whole situation. I am sorry though that your wife did that and I hope she is able to deepen her self awareness as to why she did this. Her family have just picked the easiest person to blame by the sounds of it.

Good luck!