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Another sex dilemma

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Re: Another sex dilemma

Postby lilnumber9 » Wed Mar 07, 2012 3:57 pm

ruthegzists wrote:I suppose I start to feel I have gone as far down the schizoid path as I want to go and I want to go back now. I have reduced, secured and organised my life to the point that I start to feel trapped by it and I can no longer concentrate even on reading or study or films so all I do is THINK constantly which I am starting to find oppressive. I have tried making changes myself but what with the obsessionality and the apathy; progress is slow. I have also spent time in psychotherapy which has made alot of previously unconscious stuff conscious and therefore more tackle-able for example the worries expressed in this post.
I had generally been starting to wonder whether a boyfriend/partner etc might help with some of this. I have read enough Buddhism to know we mustn't go searching for the solution to our own shortcomings in another but I suppose I do wonder whether having someone to bounce ideas off and encourage me along might help me break some of these entrapping patterns.
I may not have represented him very well here but I genuinely do feel that this guy cares for me. It has only just become apparent to me that he has been interested for many years although I have shown him nothing but indifference. I feel I trust him since he seems to care more for me than I care about myself - for example when I nearly died a few years ago I just thought "oh well, whatever there's always the afterlife" whereas he was actually bothered enough to do something about it.

You're not searching for solutions in another, but searching for solutions in how to relate to another - a fine distinction, but a distinction nonetheless. From reading the rest of your post, I would say you're making good progress in this regard.

Well I think this is where I start to find relationships difficult. I want him to believe what I am saying and take my word for it because I am telling him the truth. I have got something out of all these years of introspection: I need to proceed in a particular way and if I can't it won't work because I will just emotionally withdraw and the relationship will just become false. I do want the relationship with him and I am trying to make it work (albeit in a slightly "project-like" way rather than through spontaneous affection) and this is the only way I know to make it work.

What I was thinking last night is that one of the issues is that we have slightly different Idealised Relationship Models*. My IRM is to be honest and open with another person so you can relax in their presence and tell them what you really think and feel and have that accepted and built upon whereas his seems to be based around making each other happy which translates into being affectionate and loving and saying nice things. I think I can get to "making each other happy" but I have to get there by "feeling accepted as myself first". The point being I suppose i ma not unhappy as a schizoid and my everyday worries and meanderings are just part of my life experience even though they might sound negative to some other people. So when I say things like "my anxieties are bad today" he seems to find it destructive or a criticism of his ability to make me happy whereas I see the honesty as constructive for closeness. The alternative as I see it is to pretend to be happy which might feel constructive for him but feels destructive for me.

Things have improved since I first posted mostly I think because I am making a concerted effort to be more spontaneously affectionate (ie read I have to think about it first :) ) and when he is affectionate respond in an affectionate manner rather than saying "oh" or "I don't really see why you like me so much" which is more how I feel. I am also starting to realise this is quite enjoyable so perhaps he does have a point after all.

*I have just made this term up

Happiness is a consequence, it shouldn't be a goal. For people confused over what happiness actually is - positive emotional responses being what they are - sometimes contentment and enjoyment of little things can be enough. Open and honest is a difficult thing with human beings, though - we're political stock and like to play out patterns, make assumptions about the other, and it often leads to misunderstandings and conflict. Being outside the patterns and assumptions can give you a kind of freedom in how you act, but that freedom can only effect your decisions and actions, not his. I'm just saying; be careful. He's probably used to the assumption game and honesty will seem strange to him unless you can find a way to make him understand it. Repetition might help, but I wouldn't put much stock in that Pavlovian conditioning - I'd feel too weird about associating a human being with a dog, anyhow.
"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity."
~ T.S. Eliot
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Re: Another sex dilemma

Postby alexander » Wed Mar 07, 2012 6:43 pm

You feel weird associating dogs and humans? Humans are nothing but animals.
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Re: Another sex dilemma

Postby lilnumber9 » Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:16 pm

alexander wrote:You feel weird associating dogs and humans? Humans are nothing but animals.

Very true, but I'd feel weird because I'd think of myself as having a superior role in the relationship, and I have no desire to have either superior or inferior roles in a relationship. I'm an animal, too, after all.
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Re: Another sex dilemma

Postby EmpathySucks » Thu Mar 08, 2012 10:29 am

alexander wrote:You feel weird associating dogs and humans? Humans are nothing but animals.

Then how about I'll dump you in a zoo?
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Re: Another sex dilemma

Postby lilnumber9 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:27 pm

EmpathySucks wrote:
alexander wrote:You feel weird associating dogs and humans? Humans are nothing but animals.

Then how about I'll dump you in a zoo?

Don't we all live in a zoo already?
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Re: Another sex dilemma

Postby Magic » Thu Mar 08, 2012 5:25 pm

lilnumber9 wrote:
EmpathySucks wrote:
alexander wrote:You feel weird associating dogs and humans? Humans are nothing but animals.

Then how about I'll dump you in a zoo?

Don't we all live in a zoo already?

I can only speak for myself, but no. I do not live in a zoo.
You must understand, young Hobbit, it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish. And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.
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Re: Another sex dilemma

Postby EmpathySucks » Thu Mar 08, 2012 5:26 pm

Magic wrote:I can only speak for myself, but no. I do not live in a zoo.

I saw what you did there.
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