Married with SPD

Hi,

Is there anyone married with SPD? I've been married for 4 years but unknowingly living with SPD since being a teenager.

I've always tried to find reasons for my behaviour and feelings or lack thereof. Even trying to act normal but feeling out of place and suffocated in society and prefering asexual relationships.

I now see all my feelings and problems clearly, which I could not explain before and now they have a name, but my wife has always commented on how my mask has slipped and I just wanted to come clean about how I really feel about everything.

I have all 7 symptoms. Asexual, no feelings and no desire for human contact being the most prominent and now she knows.

She is now distant and doesn't want physical contact, which is fine but I promised her a normal life, which I thought was possible before there was a text book explanation of how I am - all the symptoms were never diagnosed as related.

If I wasn't married there wouldn't be a problem, I can accept who and what I am. What is hard is that all my life I've tried to act what I thought was normal. Cheating on my girlfriends with one night stands to avoid emotional and physical contact with them. Now I'm married and celibate, no cheating but I want to give my wife the life I pretended was on offer.

Is a normal connection with at least one person going to be possible or should I just accept that I lied and get a divorce?

My partner has SPD, we're not married. I was interested in your mentioning cheating on your girlfriend with one night stands to avoid intimacy. Promiscuity has been recorded in people with SPD, but I've not seen a thread on it in this forum. Jeffrey Seinfeld in his book, The Empty Core, mentions schizoid hunger which may manifest as sexual promiscuity. He gives an example of a schizoid woman who picked up men in bars to alleviate her feelings of hunger and emptiness. I've sensed this hunger in my partner, and suspect that he alleviates it with others. I'm beginning to think that if you're SPD it's more likely to work long-term if you have a platonic relationship with your partner. But that's easier said than done - for your partner, at least.

Is a normal connection with at least one person going to be possible or should I just accept that I lied and get a divorce?

You should sit her down, look her right in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, but I lied when I said I wanted this life with you that you need. I don't want it; I'm not interested in the least in the things I promised. I only said that for X reasons (explain your reasons if you want to; she'll probably want to know what motivated you to lie). It is probably best if you leave, or if I leave, and I will do all I can to make sure that the separation goes smoothly for you, and does not make you suffer or experience preventable hardship."

She deserves to know the full scope of what she is dealing with. She needs all that information in order to make the best decision for herself. If you keep from her the fact that you lied, she will not be able to do what is best for her life, because she won't be making an informed decision. She'll only continue to guess at why you are not interested in that life with her, and probably come to the wrong conclusions, or hold out false hope. Don't waste her time or her life with lies.

- A.

Interesting feedback, the truth is always better since I can't deal with the act any more and for me there are things that I promised I still want to deliver on but don't know if it will be possible. My shrink thinks it good I'm motivated but I've always been good with words, the actions are my problem.

The decision has been made for me. She read an email to my shrink... Didn't turn out so well.

How the f**k do you explain indifference, emptiness and no understanding of emotions (other than the text book definition) and no understanding why people have the need for relationships and what they get out of it?

And how do you explain that physical contact is painful when I don't understand what it symbolises or the emotions behind it. Holding hands, I'm fine with that, cuddling watching tv is mostly ok but more is suffocating, why does love mean being intimate? I love ice cream... I love lamp...

My biggest problem is I never knew what was wrong with me, I was always labelled as lazy, insensitive and distant etc etc. However when I met my wife she was funny, smart and beautiful and I thought I could, if I wished hard enough, be a real boy.

However now I know what I am and don't give a $#%^ about what people say or think, I makes perfect sense now, but I've tried for so long to change how I am and to understand people, what they think and feel and why, although I still don't get it.

I have only tried to change who I am because I thought it was possible, and I wanted a better life with my wife, but if she stays with me, is it an exercise in futility to think that I can substitute feelings with actions that represent the definition of the feeling without actually feeling it, or even learn why feelings are as they are, and even experience them with that one person?

We have invested a lot of time and energy into our marriage, (although it has mostly been me being selfish and her being passive) not to try to overcome at least some of the problems, now I know what the problem is, no?

Just as schizoid seems to be something of a spectrum, so are marriages. There was something working between you two to make you overcome your schizoid nature and enter into a relationship, so you should try and figure out what those things are, and what can be salvaged. Some relationships are centered around sex, some are centered around intellectual pursuits, some are around joint goals. You talked about her being smart and funny and beautiful, but she now seems passive. You said that you are being selfish. Why? Is her passiveness the result of your selfishness?

Not all marriages last (mine didn't), but having a schizoid personality does not mean that you have to act out on every facet of it. Being in a marriage is always a form of sacrifice, you give up a part of yourself in return for something that you don't have. My marriage lasted a long time due to the fact that I was able to receive a small amount of satisfaction from providing pleasure to my wife. It did not always work for me, but I worked at making it work for her, and in return I did get some training in social interactions, and she handled certain interactions that I could not. You seem to have given up and stopped trying. You have resigned yourself to only being a schizoid. You should talk to the wife about your issues, but being schizoid does not mean that you should give up and stop trying. Selfishness is not an obligatory trait of your personality.

i'm not sure if it would work, but maybe you could try getting some therapy that would help get you more in touch with your emotions?

do you want to divorce her very much, or would you rather keep the relationship together? maybe you should tell her about your spd if she doesn't know already. it might help her understand you better.

To answer the first question, I think she is passive because she used to shout a lot when I didn't do anything around the house and left it all to her. She now says nothing and does almost everything.

I now have a chore list that I try to complete everyday to help her with the house work. I am working towards being able to do everything on the list everyday.

I am also trying to go out with her to her parents and restaurants both of which she sees I get no enjoyment from and find frustrating but I am doing those things to stop being selfish and also to help me connect with her and give her the things she needs.

The perfect world, I would have know 10 years ago what my problem was and I wouldn't have dragged her unknowingly into my world. But only learning why I am the way I am hasn't stopped me from wanting to open up, like I have been trying for the last 10+ years; the difference now is that I know the problem and although I still don't want to do anything, build relationships with people, understand what they get out of them and want to do everything alone, I want to have a relationship with her that doesn't involve her being a spectator but rather a partner is a happy relationship.

I usually don't go out and "get what I want" because I can't get motivated or ideas for projects come and go like the wind but never come to anything. She is different however, I think the idea opening up and being expose to her is a motivator, I just need to get past my frustration with physical contact and learn how to feel on some level.

She know knows about the SPD, but her biggest problem is the emotion love or my lack of the feeling. I understand what it means and I think my wanting to connect with her and be exposed is love but I don't feel love. For me it is a series of written concepts not a feeling or emotion... I would like to understand what it "feels" like if it is in fact something that is felt and not just thought.

There are some things you can do. One thing is to realize that love means different things to different people. From your comments, it seems that you do care about your wife, and do not want to cause her pain. That is your love. Don't get hung up on other people's definitions, or the fact that you still have emptiness and loneliness inside, and like to be alone. What you do with this is make a habit of telling her that you love her. Do not qualify your statements. You do not have to explain that your love is different from other people's, just tell her you love her. The thing that your wife needs more than anything else from you is reassurance about herself. If you notice anything positive about her, comment on it. Tell her her hair looks nice, her ass looks good in those jeans, that you love her jokes, whatever. These sort of comments will not hurt you to make. Just start doing it until you turn it into a habit. Put it on your chore list.

The problem with living with an SPD person is that the spouse will think that they are the problem. Since you do not want to have sex, they take that as you saying they are not sexy. When you don't say that you love them, they begin to feel unlovable. You are verbally proficient, just use your words, and use your mind to come up with different ways to tell her. Telling her regularly that she is sexy and that you love her will make a world of difference in your relationship. Even if you end up divorcing, if you have made an effort to verbally build her up, she will not feel bitter and resentful, the process will go much smoother, and you will both be happier.

Interrobang wrote:There are some things you can do. One thing is to realize that love means different things to different people. From your comments, it seems that you do care about your wife, and do not want to cause her pain. That is your love. Don't get hung up on other people's definitions, or the fact that you still have emptiness and loneliness inside, and like to be alone. What you do with this is make a habit of telling her that you love her. Do not qualify your statements. You do not have to explain that your love is different from other people's, just tell her you love her. The thing that your wife needs more than anything else from you is reassurance about herself. If you notice anything positive about her, comment on it. Tell her her hair looks nice, her ass looks good in those jeans, that you love her jokes, whatever. These sort of comments will not hurt you to make. Just start doing it until you turn it into a habit. Put it on your chore list.

The problem with living with an SPD person is that the spouse will think that they are the problem. Since you do not want to have sex, they take that as you saying they are not sexy. When you don't say that you love them, they begin to feel unlovable. You are verbally proficient, just use your words, and use your mind to come up with different ways to tell her. Telling her regularly that she is sexy and that you love her will make a world of difference in your relationship. Even if you end up divorcing, if you have made an effort to verbally build her up, she will not feel bitter and resentful, the process will go much smoother, and you will both be happier.

An interesting insight and also some of you suggestions we agreed on today, which makes me feel positive about the situation.

It's hard not to qualify my statements when she knows I am empty inside. I used to say I loved her all the time, but there were times she asked how much. That's where I became stuck... I had to back try and back out of the situation. She now knows my definition of love and that I want to open up to her even though I feel empty.

Like I read in another thread, the analogy of being a gate keeper and only letting people have some of the keys to the gates but never all or most of them. Over the past few days I have been talking to my wife about wanting to give her all the keys slowly, but need to feel that although she has then she won't use them until I am ready I.e not wanting to force her away from me for being invasive but respect that some doors might be accessible to her but I want them to remain private just now.

These compromises and my desire to be truthful to her and open up to her seems to be helping us. We have even agreed one day a week that I dedicate to spending time with her, including intimacy - the duration in that day has not been specified but it's a start and something I can build up to each week.

In return she will give me space when i need it, I can spend time alone in another room, sit on the sofa alone etc and she will not feel rejected because I want to be alone. The emotional aspect will have to develop over time but the fact I have told her my problems, she has read emails to my shrink and she understands, somewhat, my problems and she knows that I want to try and make a life with her we are on a good footing. I'm feeling positive.

I am realy bad with advice, so I thought other people would have to help you here and it semes it ended up with a positive solution to it all. I am glad to hear that your wife have accepted who you are and chose to stay with you. It sometimes seme like it would be best to be alone , in most cases it is , but other times it can be good to spend some time with people you trust