Do I have schizoid / aspie tendencies or am I just selfish?

Hi all.
First time visiting this site.

I have been thinking lately that I feel more and more detached from people in general, and from a lot of friends I used to have.
Here is a little background info about myself.

I am a 28 year old woman.
I grew up and only child and have always enjoyed playing alone rather than with other kids my age. I did tolerate other kids in my neighborhood but I would more like watch them play than take part in the games.

Other than my parents (mostly my mom), I've never felt genuinely close to someone.

There are a few people around which I feel comfortable and with whom I occasionally feel I can have interesting conversations, but only one-on-one. If I am with two or three friends at the same time, I will become instantly lost in my own thoughts as soon as I am not being spoken to directly.

I would say I care about some of my friends, in the sense that I don't like knowing that they are hurting. But at the same time, I can't feel any empathy and I can never relate to their suffering. I feel a certain superficial sense of guilt for not caring, but it is not distressing and I don't think much about it.

I will not avoid seeing people if they make the first move and call me (though that doesn't happen very often) but I will never make the move myself to initiate an activity. Not because I'm afraid they'll say no, but just because I usually don't feel it's worth the trouble and I'd rather stay home and nap and listen to music.

I am not depressed, I am happy, I can function at work by pretending I like my coworkers (when they in fact leave me completely indifferent) and I have lots of enthusiasm and passion for one or two things. Obsessional interests, even, I would say. And if people don't stop me, I will go on and on about it. The main one is music. I listen to an average of 10 hours of music a day (often to the same few bands). I even listen to music at work to cut out the noise from my coworkers yapping at the water cooler, which is unfortunately right next to my desk. (I could not care less about what is going on in their lives).

I am a bit eccentric in the way I dress, think and in my tastes. Not always by choice, but I really don't care what people think.

I think I might have a certain superiority complex whereas I don't like being the center of attention, but I do like being the object of praise. Criticism however, does not affect me. I tend to think I'm smarter than most people, but at the same time feel they are better adapted for social realities. Again though, it doesn't really bother me.

I've had two boyfriends whom I thought I loved at the time, but in retrospect, I think I was more infatuated with the concept of being loved by someone. I was sad for a short time when they ended the relationships because my ego was hurt. Then I saw another guy a few months ago and lost touch because I stopped calling him. Not that I didn't like him, I just got busy with other stuff. He was a nice and interesting guy but I can't say I miss him.

One last thing, I am deeply involved in politics, and I tend towards socialism (I'm Canadian, I am NDP). I realized though that while I strongly believe in the concept of equality and social justice, I care more about the theoretic principal than about the actual effect it has on the individuals the party I work for is trying to help. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing though, since I find it makes me a lot more level-headed, pragmatic and objective.

So what do you think? Do I have schizoid and/or aspie tendencies or am I just a selfish asshole?

Does your personality cause significant difficulties in your life and hurt others?

Do you find the prospect of interacting with others to be an almost torturous experience?

1 - My parents are concerned because they think I'm withdrawing and that I am on my way of becoming a hermit of sorts like my uncle and late grandfather. (I do have a lot of similarities with them and I can see myself becoming like them). I’ve also moved thousands of kilometers away from them (not to avoid them, but it is very hard for them to see that I am not motivated to come back…)
A lot of friends have also mentioned that they don’t understand why I don’t keep in touch and think it’s because I dislike them. I’ve also been told by one of them that I was “a robot”, which I disagree with but I guess I see where it comes from.
Also, I have been told that I am a terrible hostess. Well, first of all I hate having people over, my apartment is messy and cluttered and I never think of offering my guests things to eat or drink. So that is absolutely true.
Finally, I don’t ever think of doing nice things for people. Someone threw me a little birthday get-together and I was thinking afterwards “Gee, I wouldn’t even have thought of doing anything like this for anyone”. And it’s not out of laziness, I really just don’t think about things like that.

2 – Social interactions aren’t ‘torture’ in the sense that they don’t cause anxiety. But I don’t get any kind of enjoyment out of crowds and gatherings either. They do make me feel awkward and I tend to stay in a corner until someone comes to me. Lonely in a crowd, pretty much. But gatherings are unavoidable due to my involvement in politics, and I’ve learned to “fake” sociability quite well, but really while I’m in a group setting, I won’t talk unless someone speaks to me directly, and I will most likely spend my time fantasizing about the moment where I’ll finally be home. I also find I systematically avoid eye contact with people I don’t know well. Social gatherings are kind of a necessary burden.
I also find that I never talk about myself or engage in conversations on personal topics with friends, I mostly talk about politics/current events and music.
I am more likely to talk about myself on an impersonal board like this than with anyone with whom I feel I could have any kind of emotional connection. (including friends, but except my mom).


… I also forgot to mention, and I don’t know if it is at all relevant, but two people in my family (my mom’s brother and my dad’s cousin) are diagnosed schizophrenics. My dad has also dealt with depression in the past. I know I’m neither depressed or schizophrenic myself, but I thought this could be worth mentioning?


(Oh and by the way KRAFTWERK RULE!)

You definitely sound like a subclass of SPD called "secret schizoid" - the similarities are striking but I'm not a pdoc to diagnose you. Such people can function perfectly well in society, appear engaged in various things, work like "normal" people, etc but inside are very detached from all of it and can't easily get "hurt" by positive/negative criticism. The superiority often seen in SPDs is due to the "malfunction" present in the emotional system where it has a lesser influence on logical thinking and creates an "illusion" of a superiority over others where emotions plays a central part in their decision making and as you may know, emotions are often erratic and often not based on logical processing. Also, due to the fact that most SPDs are very self-sufficient and see others as socially too dependent in order to function properly (something an SPD does not require), increases the sense of superiority even more. Most SPDs are also hungry for knowledge and the more they acquire of it, the more the chance will increase of sensing a superiority over others. I'm not very different from you, except on two points

1) I'm not a "secret schizoid". I'm a recluse schizoid who doesn't go out. Like you, people's thoughts about me are not an issue but I don't go out because of a complex combination of other reasons
2) I'm extremely good at logical thinking and spotting logical fallacies. However, I have a "natural countersystem" (don't know how else to call it) which constantly monitors my logical/thought process and "naturally" detects where it goes too far and counteracts this which in the end makes me "stop" from going too far, or rather protects me. Bah, words can't really explain that precisely....

Also, have you ever experienced depersonalization and/or derealization? (common amongst SPDs but not exclusive to them). Do you have low sexual drive?

EDIT

PS: Kraftwerk RULES! ... same as Ruxpin

I’m not sure what depersonalization means but if it means something like feeling more like an observer of one’s own life than a participant, then yes, definitely. I think I’m very well aware of reality but often feel that I’m just watching it rather than living it. If that makes sense.

I have a high sex drive, but never seek sexual partners. (Don’t go out to bars, don’t meet potential partners online, don’t flirt, etc.) Instead, I have vivid and elaborate fantasies that somewhat satisfy me. I’ve been disappointed in the partners I’ve had, whereas I felt it was mechanical and somewhat humiliating at times, and not at all as exciting as my fantasies. May I add that I never felt that –I- was inadequate but rather that –they- were.

First things first: Kraftwerk is indeed the bee's knees, so to speak. It's nice to know that other people appreciate them.

Business:

That there is schizophrenia (and depression also) in your family could very well be significant. There's a possible connection between schizophrenia and schizoid-like temperaments. (My grandmother is schizophrenic, and I was blessed with this temperament, something I think is probably related.)

There's a concept of a basic condition called "schizotypy" which suggests a schizophrenia-spectrum personality with varying levels of "positive" (hallucinations, delusions, etc.) and "negative" (anhedonia, apathy, asociality, etc.) symptoms. Another term, "schizothymia," bears a similar description. I experience the sensation of being not inside my body fairly frequently (depersonalization?), as well as the sensation of the world being unreal (derealization). Particularly following sleep disturbances. I also experience mild paranoia (I think), and have had very mild hallucinations a handful of times.

Wiki is the only source where I could find an article describing schizotypy (nobody seems to use the term "schizothymia"):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypy

If you type "schizothymia" into Bing or Google you'll get dictionary definitions like: "an emotional condition characterized by schizoid tendencies: less severe than schizophrenia," "the condition of being schizoid or introverted. It encompasses elements of schizophrenia but does not involve the same depth of psychological disturbance," and "resembling schizophrenia but remaining within the bounds of normality."

I'm still rather uninformed, and there are large gaps in my knowledge, but this may at least serve as a springboard, if it is indeed helpful at all. Does this ring any bells?

MeELC wrote:I’m not sure what depersonalization means but if it means something like feeling more like an observer of one’s own life than a participant, then yes, definitely. I think I’m very well aware of reality but often feel that I’m just watching it rather than living it. If that makes sense.

Yes, that's a good description of depersonalization but depersonalization can also make you sense as if you're here and not here at the same time (it's a conflict thing) and sometimes results in a sense as if you're wayyy back and looking at things like through a tunnel... at least that's how I experience it. Derealization on the other hand is when the world around you looks fake, surreal, "plastic", "seeing life around you as if you're watching a movie", etc even though there's a part of you that knows it isn't. It too results in an internal conflict. I have both of these issues and they tend to dramatically increase when I leave the house and the longer I spend time outside, the more I sense a "loss" which then is combined with "not seeing the point of it all" and chronic indifference towards general things, though I have very high interests in specific areas and I always keep myself busy with them

I have a high sex drive, but never seek sexual partners. (Don’t go out to bars, don’t meet potential partners online, don’t flirt, etc.) Instead, I have vivid and elaborate fantasies that somewhat satisfy me. I’ve been disappointed in the partners I’ve had, whereas I felt it was mechanical and somewhat humiliating at times, and not at all as exciting as my fantasies. May I add that I never felt that –I- was inadequate but rather that –they- were.

A high sex drive is not unusual for SPD and will definitely not disqualify a person for not having SPD - some SPDs are "happily" married and even have kids. The fact that you have low interest in physically being intimate with a person and are highly biased towards preferring your imagination for such things over "the real thing" is a thing that definitely is counted as a "plus feature" towards an SPD diagnosis. Even though I'm almost exactly like you when it comes to this, from time to time I do "crave" and am curious to experience it with a real person instead of always experiencing it in my fantasies only. Yeah, I'm a virgin... like I care much... and like me (and most SPDs) you have a very rich, complex internal life. After all, SPDs are probably *the* strongest introverts around

Mh… I’ve never had the feeling that I was “out of my body”. Just that I was looking at reality like I would be looking at a movie. (A boring one in which I’m not very interested, most of the time).

I’ve read a bit about schizotypal personality and I can’t say that it hits home… I’m not at all sensitive to paranormal beliefs, for example. I’m actually extremely rational and skeptical of anything unscientific. As far as schizophrenia goes, I’ve never experienced hallucinations and I very much doubt that I am delusional. I think I have a good grasp on reality, I just feel emotionally detached from it. I’m also not paranoid. Well, sometimes I think people might be laughing at me, but I don’t actually care.

I think the “secret schizoid” thing describes more what I feel like. The symptoms seem a bit contradictory with themselves, but they really do accurately describe how I feel, right down to the sex drive and ethical views…

I didn’t want to learn too too much about personality disorders because I want to go see a psychologist and I don’t want my self-diagnosis to put a bias on the way I describe myself to him/her. But yeah, from what I read, the secret schizoid thing seems eerily accurate.

One more question...

When you think/analyze, do you feel or sense that your behavior has a (very) negative impact on your life? Most SPDs do not see their "disorder" as a problem and it's one of the reasons why they virtually never seek help -- they just don't see it as a problem severe enough and often fail to see that there's a problem in the first place. When they do seek help, it's usually about something else (depression, fatigue, etc) and in the process the pdoc discovers that they have SPD, something they may already know/suspect or not

I don’t see it as a big problem, no. As I mentioned, I am quite happy. I find enjoyment in music, and other solitary activities, and occasionally in one-on-one conversations with carefully selected friends.

Here is why I am seeking help, or at least a better understanding of my situation. I love my parents to death and they are worried that I am getting more and more withdrawn (which is true) and that my social life revolves only around my political activities (also true) and that when I get home, I do nothing but sleep and listen to / play music (true as well). While this situation doesn’t make me sad, I can see that the fact that I don’t cultivate friendships is inevitably going to isolate me and I don’t really want to lose the few friends I do have. (Yet I make no effort to keep them.)

I think that if I did lose all my friends and ended up alone, I would get used to it very quickly and become quite comfortable in the situation and maybe would start avoiding people altogether and just stay in my own little world of music and political theory. But then my parents will inevitably die and that’s when the “shit will hit the fan” and I’ll feel very lonely (even if due to geographical distance, I only see them twice a year).

Basically, I’m concerned that I enjoy solitude too much. And I think that my behavior has a negative impact on my parents' life (but not mine).