Angelcake wrote:I have an SPD husband who was recently diagnosed (didn't know it when we got married). Everyone keeps telling me to get a more active social life outside of him to get my emotional needs met, since I can't expect more from him. Due to a number of real-life complexities that I won't get into, "just leaving him" is not really an option at this point -- yet. But here's the thing: in the real world, when one spouse goes out and develops a rich separate emotional life, the risk for cheating goes up exponentially.
It's practically asking for an affair to happen, because the emotionally-deprived spouse will react like a starving person the first time they meet someone who actually does start to meet their emotional needs. I'm not saying I'm looking for that to happen, but I have more experience with cheaters than I care to recall, and I know what the reality is despite best intentions. It would be much better if husband would go out with me, but I think he'd rather get a root canal. Unfortunately, he's aware of this, too, and he does not want me to go out. He'd rather me just leave now, even though it would impose hardship on me, or else learn to suck it up forever without any friends or social life. Seriously, I've lost almost all my friends since we got married because he just won't go anywhere with me, doesn't like me to leave to go anywhere for very long, and doesn't like having people over. But then when I do stay home with him, he just sits in his room. I don't even know why he wants me here except to hand him food and clean.
So I'm curious: Do schizoids get jealous, or is this just him being afraid that I will go away and take his cook/maid/caretaker away from him, and he might have to start managing life on his own? I don't think I really do anything for him emotionally. I think he mostly just likes that I do practical things for him so he can spend the rest of his time in his hole. If that's the case, then I'm just a robot for him, and he would do better hiring someone to do those things who doesn't care about him, either. No need to have a wife.
Edit: The reason I ask this question is because I can't figure out why he'd be okay with kicking me out rather than risk me getting an emotional attachment to another man, if he only wanted me to do housework. Seems like it would be easier to have a maid. And I know he doesn't really want me to leave -- he said as much -- but then, why would he care about the circumstances of when I stayed or went? What difference would it make to a schizoid whether I left now under hardship to myself, or perhaps left later because of an affair? I guess what I'm really asking is: what do schizoids get out of spouses?
not that i'm totally sure since i'm unmarried, female, and don't date, but...
maybe he really cares about you deep down and can't show it. we sort of have a very thick emotional shell and can't let anyone inside, so we just keep to ourselves and suppress our emotions. but we're still human, and many of us feel a need to connect with others at least somewhat (certainly not anywhere near what other people need, but we usually have a need for love that keeps going unfulfilled). this need probably made him want to love you, he started caring about you and connecting with you, but then you got too close to him and he felt overwhelmed and vulnerable, and is now trying to emotionally distance himself from you. we're terrible about wanting to be around others close to us one day and wanting to stay away from them the next, and neglecting the hell out of those closest to us since their company can become overwheming. he doesn't mean you any harm by it, but it's how he is.
i've personally felt mild bouts of jealousy once in a while, but not very often, since there i'm pretty detached and there isn't much i care about. i only feel jealousy when someone else gets something i actually want. that said, since he would be jealous if you were to go out and cheat on him, he probably does love you but can't show it or risk you getting too close to him. i know he must hardly show it, but he probably does care about you, even if it's not as intensely as normal people love others.
he doesn't just want you there to wash the dishes for him. if he really didn't love you at all, then doing chores himself would be a small price to pay for solitude. maybe he feels that if you're his wife, then you should only be loyal to him, but if you're divorced, then it doesn't matter too much what you do since your life is now separate from his?
schizoids get out of their spouses what everyone else gets out of their spouses: love. unfortunately, we have attachment problems, and will start pushing away once we're too far in or will frequently run off to be alone. it's nearly impossible for us to show love or seem happy when we receive it. the risks and negatives usually outweigh the positives of being in a relationship, so a lot of us never marry and just stay by ourselves.
i'm sorry things aren't working out between the two of you, angelcake. maybe you should try getting some family therapy or getting him some personal therapy. maybe try to work out a compromise between you somehow? these restrictions he's placing on you are pretty over-the-top. you should really have every right to go hang out with your friends, especially if all he wants to do is be alone anyway.