Our partner

living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Schizoid Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderators: WichitaLineman, IceBlock

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby EtherealStarlight » Thu Sep 22, 2011 4:32 am

Angelcake wrote:I have an SPD husband who was recently diagnosed (didn't know it when we got married). Everyone keeps telling me to get a more active social life outside of him to get my emotional needs met, since I can't expect more from him. Due to a number of real-life complexities that I won't get into, "just leaving him" is not really an option at this point -- yet. But here's the thing: in the real world, when one spouse goes out and develops a rich separate emotional life, the risk for cheating goes up exponentially.

It's practically asking for an affair to happen, because the emotionally-deprived spouse will react like a starving person the first time they meet someone who actually does start to meet their emotional needs. I'm not saying I'm looking for that to happen, but I have more experience with cheaters than I care to recall, and I know what the reality is despite best intentions. It would be much better if husband would go out with me, but I think he'd rather get a root canal. Unfortunately, he's aware of this, too, and he does not want me to go out. He'd rather me just leave now, even though it would impose hardship on me, or else learn to suck it up forever without any friends or social life. Seriously, I've lost almost all my friends since we got married because he just won't go anywhere with me, doesn't like me to leave to go anywhere for very long, and doesn't like having people over. But then when I do stay home with him, he just sits in his room. I don't even know why he wants me here except to hand him food and clean.

So I'm curious: Do schizoids get jealous, or is this just him being afraid that I will go away and take his cook/maid/caretaker away from him, and he might have to start managing life on his own? I don't think I really do anything for him emotionally. I think he mostly just likes that I do practical things for him so he can spend the rest of his time in his hole. If that's the case, then I'm just a robot for him, and he would do better hiring someone to do those things who doesn't care about him, either. No need to have a wife.

Edit: The reason I ask this question is because I can't figure out why he'd be okay with kicking me out rather than risk me getting an emotional attachment to another man, if he only wanted me to do housework. Seems like it would be easier to have a maid. And I know he doesn't really want me to leave -- he said as much -- but then, why would he care about the circumstances of when I stayed or went? What difference would it make to a schizoid whether I left now under hardship to myself, or perhaps left later because of an affair? I guess what I'm really asking is: what do schizoids get out of spouses?

- A.


not that i'm totally sure since i'm unmarried, female, and don't date, but...

maybe he really cares about you deep down and can't show it. we sort of have a very thick emotional shell and can't let anyone inside, so we just keep to ourselves and suppress our emotions. but we're still human, and many of us feel a need to connect with others at least somewhat (certainly not anywhere near what other people need, but we usually have a need for love that keeps going unfulfilled). this need probably made him want to love you, he started caring about you and connecting with you, but then you got too close to him and he felt overwhelmed and vulnerable, and is now trying to emotionally distance himself from you. we're terrible about wanting to be around others close to us one day and wanting to stay away from them the next, and neglecting the hell out of those closest to us since their company can become overwheming. he doesn't mean you any harm by it, but it's how he is.

i've personally felt mild bouts of jealousy once in a while, but not very often, since there i'm pretty detached and there isn't much i care about. i only feel jealousy when someone else gets something i actually want. that said, since he would be jealous if you were to go out and cheat on him, he probably does love you but can't show it or risk you getting too close to him. i know he must hardly show it, but he probably does care about you, even if it's not as intensely as normal people love others.

he doesn't just want you there to wash the dishes for him. if he really didn't love you at all, then doing chores himself would be a small price to pay for solitude. maybe he feels that if you're his wife, then you should only be loyal to him, but if you're divorced, then it doesn't matter too much what you do since your life is now separate from his?

schizoids get out of their spouses what everyone else gets out of their spouses: love. unfortunately, we have attachment problems, and will start pushing away once we're too far in or will frequently run off to be alone. it's nearly impossible for us to show love or seem happy when we receive it. the risks and negatives usually outweigh the positives of being in a relationship, so a lot of us never marry and just stay by ourselves.

i'm sorry things aren't working out between the two of you, angelcake. maybe you should try getting some family therapy or getting him some personal therapy. maybe try to work out a compromise between you somehow? these restrictions he's placing on you are pretty over-the-top. you should really have every right to go hang out with your friends, especially if all he wants to do is be alone anyway.
User avatar
EtherealStarlight
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1674
Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2011 11:14 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 8:42 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby indifference » Thu Sep 22, 2011 7:54 am

Angelcake wrote:
indifference wrote:
Angelcake wrote:
So I'm curious: Do schizoids get jealous, or is this just him being afraid that I will go away and take his cook/maid/caretaker away from him, and he might have to start managing life on his own?


I've never experienced jealousy, I always said to my wife that if she cheated on me I'd kill them both, and probably would if I could be arsed. I wouldn't do it out of rage or jealousy, I'm indifferent to the idea of her cheating on me.

As for the maid part. I have a small list of chores I have to do daily, I try my best to do them all but usually don't; that's a work in progress. If there is no list, there are no chores... Mostly she does all the house work so I have to put something in. I don't have enough money for a maid :lol:

Yeah, sorry if I don't laugh along with you. Let me tell ya that being the one who does most of the cleaning because my husband -- who doesn't even really care about me that much -- can't be bothered to pull his weight, is not terribly amusing. Actually, it's more of a hellscape. But I saw in another thread you were already thinking about divorcing, so I won't bother to try to urge you to do more to prevent her from seriously considering it herself on accounta how she, like me, probably didn't sign up to be someone's housebot. They have technology for that. Those Roombas are really something, you know. You should get one of those. Way less maintenance than a wife.

But let me get this straight -- you don't feel jealousy, but you'd kill your wife and her unfortunate beau if you weren't feeling too lazy that day? Why would you care enough? I mean, is it some kind of pride thing?

Also, you didn't answer my main question, and I really am curious. You can be brutally honest -- I don't have to pick up your socks -- what is it you get out of having a spouse? Is it just convenience of having someone around to do all that stuff you don't? Is it for appearances? Just so you have someone to dial emergency services if you keel over from a heart attack so people don't find you three days later half-eaten by your cats? If you don't really care about her that much... what are you getting out of it?

- A.


With regards to the jealousy, if I did kill a cheating wife and her partner it would be an attempt to feel something or see and understand their feelings for each other as a desperate attempt to connect where I couldn't in a relationship. But in reality, if it got to her cheating on me, I probably wouldn't do anything if she was happy and had something I couldn't give her, like a physical and emotional connection.

I don't need a maid, if I was alone I would manage, the house wouldn't be a clean as it is but I would deal with it. I have before. I got married because I wanted to share my life with someone I met and thought I could learn to connect with her emotionally. Convenience is far from it, I don't go out and social situations suffocate me, even restaurants are a challenge and usually end up eating and leaving straight away. Family gatherings, work events... All the things a partner is expected to attend... That's not convenient in my eyes.

Even wanting to learn how to open up and connect with her is not convenient, it's a lot of effort on my part but she tells me how she feels about me and although I don't understand why or what these feelings feel like, I understand what they mean and for me that is enough for me to want to try, now I know and can explain why I am the way I am. Dying alone or not something that bothers me in the slightest, I'd just rather overcome one of my major issues and try to connect with her whilst she is still here.
indifference
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 192
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 10:13 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:42 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby Interrobang » Thu Sep 22, 2011 12:42 pm

I just went through having my wife cheat on me, and it ended our marriage. I am fairly functional, and we had a very active sex life. When I found out she was cheating and lying to me, the thing that killed me was the invasion of my privacy. It destroyed the ability to have intimacy that it took me years to develop. It also made the anhedonia come back. All the worst parts of schizoid came back with a violent force to defend me, cutting me off from everyone else.
Interrobang
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 4:03 am
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 8:42 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby WichitaLineman » Thu Sep 22, 2011 7:17 pm

Angelcake wrote:... I know he doesn't really want me to leave -- he said as much -- but then, why would he care about the circumstances of when I stayed or went? What difference would it make to a schizoid whether I left now under hardship to myself, or perhaps left later because of an affair? I guess what I'm really asking is: what do schizoids get out of spouses?


The answer to this probably is unique to every individual. But I'm sure there is always going to be an element of gaining access to a skill-set that we do not possess on our own. Not very romantic, but it is what it is. The "love" part is there somewhere, for sure, but I don't see that as the prime consideration or motivator. I think simple practical considerations are more paramount. In my case, I know that being with someone in a long term situation is good for my mental health and overall well-being. Again, not very romantic, but I don't think this desire to find a mate with complementary qualities is unique to just people with SPD.

The problem, of course, is that people who tend to need very little from relationships also tend to be the ones who naturally give very little in return...

Angelcake wrote: in the real world, when one spouse goes out and develops a rich separate emotional life, the risk for cheating goes up exponentially.

It's practically asking for an affair to happen, because the emotionally-deprived spouse will react like a starving person the first time they meet someone who actually does start to meet their emotional needs.


Well, I guess this is a cautionary tale for people like me, but it might also be a bit of a cop-out for you, as it begs the question of why you would have married someone who couldn't meet your emotional needs in the first place, and also why the supposedly "emotional" hunger would need to be satisfied in a sexual way by someone of the opposite sex.

Leaving that aside, and getting back to my experience, I would say that my wife gets a lot of her emotional needs met outside of our relationship. She is developing a pretty good network of friends she hangs out with, without me present. I think they do all that mutually supportive, emotionally reinforcing stuff. And those girls can do a better job at it than I ever could. Now....I don't abandon my responsibilities completely. I do make an effort to be emotionally supportive. It does not come naturally, and I do need to remind myself to actually do it.

I would say that if your husband is putting absolutely no effort into satisfying your emotional needs, then you certainly have a legitimate grievance.
forum rules


Safe at home.

The sidewalk lines, gadunk gadunk gadunk gdai
User avatar
WichitaLineman
Site Admin
 
Posts: 2027
Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 4:31 am
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:42 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby indifference » Thu Sep 22, 2011 9:11 pm

Interrobang wrote:I just went through having my wife cheat on me, and it ended our marriage. I am fairly functional, and we had a very active sex life. When I found out she was cheating and lying to me, the thing that killed me was the invasion of my privacy. It destroyed the ability to have intimacy that it took me years to develop. It also made the anhedonia come back. All the worst parts of schizoid came back with a violent force to defend me, cutting me off from everyone else.


Sorry to hear that, where are you just now? I read another member is trying to be more social at college to overcome their distance from others, I suppose it doesn't help with the intimacy but might help tolerate people as a first step. I've never been able to emotionally connect with someone to the point that I would feel invaded or vulnrable if they cheated on me, but I understand what you say about it killing your ability to have any intimacy. That might be the reason I've never been that open with someone.

The anhedonia has always been a part of me and for now I just accept it. What do you do to get away from everything? I tend to watch tv or sit in the bedroom alone but watching tv frustrates me, I don't understand the relationships and why they have them or what they are feeling, it's mostly just noise so I tune out and read something..

I'm trying to open up to my wife emotionally and overcome my fear of intimacy, to save our marriage, but it scares me to think of where it would leave me if it goes wrong. I would be indifferent to the split but I would find it hard to consider trying it again.
Dx: Schizotypal Personality Disorder with ASPD traits

Rx: Abilify 30mg, Escitalopram, Lorazepam, Alprastad

“Schizoid behavior is a pretty common thing in children. It's accepted, because all we adults have this unspoken agreement that children are lunatics.”
― Stephen King
indifference
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 192
Joined: Tue Sep 20, 2011 10:13 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:42 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby Interrobang » Fri Sep 23, 2011 2:35 am

@indifference

Yep, I am having problems moving on. As I said, my worst schizoid traits are coming out. I have found that other people disappoint me greatly. I had adjusted to my wife's issues over time, and that allowed me to be intimate with her. Now I look at other people, and their glaring faults stick out, and I can not even initiate contact, as I play through the relationship in my head and see how it ends before it starts, and am self defeating. Plus my introversion never gave me any skills on that front in the first place. Just as you said, I am having trouble trying it again. The idea of trying to chat a woman up makes me nauseous. At the same time, having managed to have an intimate relationship for a long period of time makes me desire to have it again.

The world is not made for schizoids, and our society expects males to be aggressive and forward, telling women when they are interested in them. In retrospect, that is why I ended up with my wife, because she took the initiative early on. Now I wonder if I will decay into my old schizoid ways, or find a loophole in my personality to crawl though. Mostly I am just reading and working and ignoring the world outside. I will try again, but I have to work myself up to it, and that will take a while.
Interrobang
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 4:03 am
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 8:42 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby confused1982 » Sat Jun 02, 2012 2:52 pm

Thank you all for this forum, it has been very helpful in what is going on with my boyfriend, but I have some questions. I will relate my story.

I met my boyfriend 5 months ago, I know it seems short, but it feels like I have known him for years. We had an instant connection, which became very intense very quickly. I tried to back-off a little bit in the beginning because I have a young son who lives with me full-time. He has 4 children of his own that live with him part-time. He pushed me to spend more time with him, and pretty soon we were inseparable. After a few weeks he brought forward a description of SPD and told me that he had been diagnosed a few years ago, but after having worked with a therapist for quite some time, he felt he was equipped to mediate through his issues, and that what I was seeing was his inner self, and not the outer self that he typically portrays to others. He believes that he is the "secret" schizoid described in some materials. I was not seeing any of the signs or symptoms he described, or maybe I didn't want to see. He seemed so loving, affectionate, sweet...he was the man of my dreams. I had recently moved to the city, and was not only paying rent at my new condo, but still covering expenses from my old home in another city, since it had not sold yet. He saw my struggle, and asked me to move in with him. I was reluctant at first, as I didn't want this to be purely financial. He assured me that it was not, and told me he was in love with me and wanted this to work out.

These last few weeks have been very difficult. I don't even recognize him. I have had a lot of ongoing stress in my life, and being new to the city, I don't have anyone I can really talk to. So I have been talking to him about all of this. This has sparked a quantum shift, and he has distanced himself so much, so quickly that I feel completely lost. And my sense of security in our relationship feels like it was ripped out from under me. I asked him if I did anything wrong, and he said well no. I few days ago he brought out the sheets describing SPD again, and suddenly what happened makes a whole lot of sense. I did do something wrong...I overwhelmed him. I guess I went from laid-back and easygoing to stressed out and impulsive, which left him no choice but to go from caring and supportive, to withdrawn and cold. I lot of what he is saying to me lately is extremely hurtful, and he doesn't even seem to have a clue why it hurts me. He has also said that he is coming to the realization that my son and I are a package deal and had he known my son would have been such a problem he would have rethought this whole thing. My son has some social and emotional deficiencies that need to be worked on, but otherwise he is a very good kid.

So my questions. Is it common for some SPDs to be so off and on? Do SPDs each have triggers, either individual or common, which set off the desire to withdraw? Did I screw it up beyond what can be salvaged, or should I just give him the space and time he needs to settle himself, while I work on fixing my stressor issues? Reading all of this, I know that it is a long and very difficult road I have ahead of me, and I am seriously trying to put everything into perspective. He had a 17 year relationship with his ex and although things didn't work for them, they are still very pleasant with each other. For us he has said to not think of this arrangement in terms of a relationship for the time being, but rather to think of it as we are best friends and room mates, who sometimes sleep in the same bed, and share intimate moments. I have to say that it was a hard pill to swallow at the time, it felt like he just didn't want to put in the effort into our relationship, but after reading all of your posts, I get the sense that it isn't that he doesn't want to, it's that he isn't capable of doing so at the moment. If he really didn't want this, he would just end it. It feels like I have to rewire my brain in order to be with the man I love.
confused1982
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Jun 02, 2012 1:59 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 6:42 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby Fallen_Angel73 » Sat Jun 02, 2012 9:19 pm

Interesting story, Confused1982. Very atypical, I'd say.
You won't find straight answers here.
Aside that as far as SPD is concerned, you're lucky.

Is it common for some SPDs to be so off and on?

Most seem to be off and off, but for those who go on, off is expected.

Do SPDs each have triggers, either individual or common, which set off the desire to withdraw?

Yes. Don't know if there's any common one though.
I could list the triggers of several people here.
Not doing it just for the sake of civility.

Did I screw it up beyond what can be salvaged, or should I just give him the space and time he needs to settle himself, while I work on fixing my stressor issues?

All of the above. All depends on what you think has to be salvaged.

For us he has said to not think of this arrangement in terms of a relationship for the time being, but rather to think of it as we are best friends and room mates, who sometimes sleep in the same bed, and share intimate moments.

Wise words.
He may not be comfortable with more than this.
He may not even long for more than this.
Might be trying just because of you.

although things didn't work for them, they are still very pleasant with each other

Very good sign. You won't be left in the cold.

If he really didn't want this, he would just end it.

True.

It feels like I have to rewire my brain in order to be with the man I love.

Please don't. Adapt. Don't try to change.

Think about the friendship thing. Is it that bad for you?
Friendship is not necessarily less than anything else.
My point of view: it's the foundation of any real connection.

Look for someone else you can confide in.
I know you want him to be your everything. Human nature.
But he can't. No one can.
Fallen_Angel73
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 4215
Joined: Wed May 30, 2012 12:55 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 5:42 am
Blog: View Blog (2)

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby Ada » Sun Jun 03, 2012 12:06 pm

confused1982 wrote:Did I screw it up beyond what can be salvaged, or should I just give him the space and time he needs to settle himself, while I work on fixing my stressor issues?

The latter. It is possible it can't be salvaged, but you won't know until you try, and if you don't try, you'll always wonder, which is probably worse. Working on your own issues is an excellent plan, as they'll either help to settle the relationship into a more independent groove for both of you, and help you be more confident in whatever Next Steps you need to take.

My son has some social and emotional deficiencies that need to be worked on, but otherwise he is a very good kid.

It's probably nothing to do with your son, that's just an excuse for things being weirder than he's comfortable talking about. That said, if your son needs constant attention, that might well set off a full retreat. It's still not your son's fault, but you do need to do what's right for him as best you can. (I know you don't need telling that, I'm a master of stating the obvious.)

confused1982 wrote:I had recently moved to the city, and was not only paying rent at my new condo, but still covering expenses from my old home in another city, since it had not sold yet.

Is this now resolved? I don't mean to intrude and don't need an answer, I'm simply thinking that perhaps you could find a place near your partner which would give you more of a chance to settle (have new friends over, for instance, for both you and your son) without being in his space. He might well have over-estimated how willing he was to have someone around constantly. (I wear the darn t-shirt for that!)

This has sparked a quantum shift, and he has distanced himself so much, so quickly that I feel completely lost.

I'm sorry. I had something completely different happen to me, but it reminds me of this, and it's sad that you have to go through it.

If he really didn't want this, he would just end it.

Probably, but I'm not 100% certain. He might be having a fight with himself over what he thinks he ought to want. Or be unwilling to let go of the bits that do work, even though more bits don't work.

It feels like I have to rewire my brain in order to be with the man I love.

Don't do that. It won't work for you or for him and will eventually explode and make a big mess. It's possible you really can't be with the man you love; that's just how things go sometimes. There's a lot of things you can try before coming to that conclusion, though.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


From The Great Dictator — Charlie Chaplin
User avatar
Ada
Site Admin
 
Posts: 6229
Joined: Mon May 28, 2012 9:47 pm
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:42 pm
Blog: View Blog (29)

Re: living with a SPD diagnosed husband

Postby WichitaLineman » Mon Jun 04, 2012 3:57 pm

It feels like I have to rewire my brain in order to be with the man I love.


Right. If you consider yourself a "normal" person who seeks emotional support from a romantic relationship then getting involved with someone diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder is probably the worst decision you could make. Go down the list of diagnostic criteria and ask yourself if a person with those traits is going to fulfil your emotional needs, or be capable of maintaining a healthy intimate relationship with you.

If he really didn't want this, he would just end it.


I think you might be over-thinking these issues somewhat. He's already told you the sort of relationship he desires to have, and it's one that keeps you at an emotional distance:

confused1982 wrote:For us he has said to not think of this arrangement in terms of a relationship for the time being, but rather to think of it as we are best friends and room mates, who sometimes sleep in the same bed, and share intimate moments.


My guess would be that nothing has been said or done in this situation to preclude this type of arrangement from still happening. If you want to stay at the emotional distance that he has put you at, then I'm pretty sure he'll be fine with it. If you are going to be as emotionally needy and intrusive as you have been in the recent past, then he won't be able to cope.
forum rules


Safe at home.

The sidewalk lines, gadunk gadunk gadunk gdai
User avatar
WichitaLineman
Site Admin
 
Posts: 2027
Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 4:31 am
Local time: Thu Oct 30, 2014 9:42 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Schizoid Personality Disorder Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Wrath Of Maff and 75 guests

cron