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shallow relationships

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shallow relationships

Postby cosmosocrates » Wed Mar 12, 2008 10:10 pm

It's interesting that a lot of people who have psych problems commit themselves fully to relationships, (and end up suffering usually) while people who are "normal" usually have shallower relationships (but they never lose their footing either, so I guess it's a fair trade).




This is a comment I found on the Poetry section of this forum. It is really like how I think it about "happy normal relationships" among people who see themselves as "sane". Now, I wonder why there's such shallowness in their relationships. Do "insane" people live their relationships in a truer way? Do they just believe so? Are their egos too indefinite to live a relationship in a detatched way? Do they involve themselves too much? These are some of the questions I put myself about this topic.
Actually I've always been wondering about the many blatantly phony relationships I saw among the people who was around me. I' ve had the doubt it was me who wasn't incapable to live a true relationship, but experience said to me it was not true; even if my schizoid detatchment has been impairing, I could live fully invlving relationships before to reclude myself.
What do you think about this supposed/real shallowness?
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Postby A Rebours » Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:51 am

People with autistic spectrum PDs probably form relationships a lot less easily, and are likely to be more naive about it the first time (i.e., harboring pie-in-the-sky ideals about the value of reciprocal kindness, loyalty, and accountability in relationships). Hence, people with autistic spectrum PDs probably do tend to take their few relationships more seriously. Kind of like a concentration camp inmate coming into possession of a freshly-cooked hardboiled egg.

Extroverts (including most sociopaths, HPDs, and NPDs) form relationships alot more easily and are thus more likely to take a blase attitude toward them, seeing them as nothing more than an easy lay and a potential for a financial payoff of some kind, be it a divorce settlement, a nepotized job oppurtunity, or a sugar daddy arrangement. They have hardboiled eggs for breakfast, so seeing another one at dinner time is certainly no reason for altering their humdrum day-to-day routine.
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Postby Orbyss » Thu Mar 13, 2008 2:30 am

I'm not all that sure it has entirely to do with naiveté, actually. The people I've known who have syndromes and disorders within the autistic spectrum are often quite picky about who they choose, especially if they've learned not to be over-eager.

I, too, vaguely fit some of the criteria and I've always been extremely picky, if not disinterested altogether. Naiveté caused by poor communication skills can obviously exacerbate issues, so I think many Aspies, schizoids, and other PDDNOS' may tend to pick those that seem to understand them best, or that they understand.

It also seems more difficult for autism-afflicted individuals to develop their egos, especially if raised without adequate caring and understanding from their families. I figure that's what happens to schizoids, when in fact they're probably just born very sensitive autistic-types.
With such 'empty' feelings, some may easily fall into a trap of need or desire to be fulfilled by another individual's close presence, be it emotionally, physically, or both. This is a problem I struggle with in my current relationship with a very probable Aspie.

And then it comes down to what is defined as 'normal people'; are we talking about what is most accepted by the general public in Americanized countries, or what the general population presents?

Extraverts are estimated as making up about half the population, a figure that correlates with my own experiences--I've never seen introverts downtrodden for being introverted. If you want to go the way of Jungian typology, roughly 25-30% of the population is estimated as 'Sensors,' while the remaining 70-75% are 'iNtuitors'. The latter are largely considered more strange than sensors due to their relative scarcity and more creative, 'spacey' thinking. Not shockingly most schizoids and Aspies fall into the category of 'iNtuitors'.

In the end I have never met a person who didn't suffer innumerable problems, normal or not.
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The Drowning world

Postby MadMel » Mon Apr 28, 2008 10:23 pm

People can change there outlook on relationships especially as they grow older.I can't answer for the majority of other spder's only for myself.If i described my experiences i'd probably say they were a little bohemian.

The older you are the further back you can gauge what sort of disaster's you have left behind.Most relationships can have shallowness attached to them,I suppose it's whether people want to be honest enough to admit to it.
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Postby Joyless56 » Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:45 am

All these years I have made a point, and a lot of effort, to confront reality, including the reality of who I am, rather than sugar coat things. I have believed that practicing 'denial' was a cowardly thing to do, and I was determined not to do that.

But I've come to realize that 'denial' is a coping mechanism that most 'normal' people practice daily. They deny their weaknesses and faults and the weaknesses and faults of the people in their lives...and of their jobs, their relationships, and just about anything that might make them feel bad. And I think that maybe, being able to 'deny' those things allows them to live happier lives.

I have ALWAYS thought that the truth and reality were worth seeking. And there is a lot of pain in that....life sucks and then you die....is not so far from the truth of life, as I see it.

But I wonder if I...we...would be better off if we were able to draw the blinders down and not see the truth.

Shallow relationships....that's just the tip of the iceberg.
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Postby Philo » Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:16 am

That's a good post, Joyless56, I feel the same.
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Postby Sabratha » Sat May 03, 2008 9:13 pm

Well I'm a definite schizoid and the relationship I once had was a very shallow one, but it was a very sincere and healthfull one.
It definitally was not the sugar coated "sweet love" you can read about. I didn't love him (using the popular definition of love) as I'm unemotional all my life, relationships are not exceptions and he didn't love me either for all I know. There was just a time when we both needed each other and we were frank about it, when we stopped needing each other we parted and went our own ways. Nothing more, nothing less.

I should add that while I'm a schizoid, I do have a number of antisocial traits. Not enough to have me diagnosed with APD (far from it), but nonetheless the antisocial traits are an important part of who I am.
So maybe my altitude to relationships is not only shaped by SPD, but also the antisocial part of me.
I'm self diagnosed with a very severe and incurable case of "being Sabratha".
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Postby Quiescence » Sat May 03, 2008 10:36 pm

I definitely believe there's a lot of shallowness in the average relationship these days. You can tell what's on the mind of the person just from looking at the start of a relationship: were they friends beforehand (meaning they must have known each other at least a little bit), or did they just meet and decide to try dating (meaning they couldn't have known each other that well)? The word "love" gets thrown around so casually these days that you can't trust it anymore. I see 13-year-olds telling their boy/girlfriend that they "love" them, and I roll my eyes. It's rather repulsive and very unbecoming.

The way I see schizoid relationships is that we have a lot of trouble with them because something in our heads is telling us to stay away from relationships. Then we get into one, and there's an obvious conflict. This conflict is what makes it hard for schizoids to maintain a relationship that is probably honest and true (otherwise I doubt the schizoid would start it at all or have trouble leaving it), whereas for other people it's the shallowness of their relationships, the lack of real roots, that cause theirs to fall apart.

So in that way, yes, perhaps it is kind of balanced.
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Postby Sabratha » Sun May 04, 2008 1:58 pm

Quiescence wrote:The way I see schizoid relationships is that we have a lot of trouble with them because something in our heads is telling us to stay away from relationships. Then we get into one, and there's an obvious conflict. This conflict is what makes it hard for schizoids to maintain a relationship that is probably honest and true (otherwise I doubt the schizoid would start it at all or have trouble leaving it), whereas for other people it's the shallowness of their relationships, the lack of real roots, that cause theirs to fall apart.

I think that indeed R-type schizoids can have such an inner conflict can be the main problem. However for A-types like myself such a problem simply does not exist, because there are no emotions (or the emotions are very flat ones) involved to create a conflict.
For us an emotional relationship is impossible and the main problem is learning to adapt to a situation where the vast majority of people seek a deep emotional relationship.
For us A-types shallowness is not a choice, its the only available option.
I'm self diagnosed with a very severe and incurable case of "being Sabratha".
Peptron wrote:Sabratha, you do not count, as you are a freak of nature. You go through life with cheat codes.
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