For as long as I can remember, I've been happiest in a solitary position in a controlled environment (such as my room, an empty house, etc.) where no one could bother me, where I was completely at ease to do whatever I please; be it reading, information browsing, watching anime and movies on my computer, playing with my cat, listening to music, other such activities. Even as a young boy I preferred simply to be by myself, other people and children simply felt like they were bothering me, disturbing the inner peace I strived to create. I had a few close friends growing up (One had ADD, one was easy to manipulate, one was a 'smart kid', the ones I have now are a guy I suspect to have Aspergers Syndrome and another semi-compulsive anime fan like myself).
In 7th Grade I spent almost every lunch eating by myself, until a few guys decided to befriend me out of pity. Even when I was trying my hardest to integrate with them, I was still picked on and didn't feel like I was part of their group, I was simply there because it was asked it of me. In Grade 8 I was somewhat popular, it was here I met my two close friends today, and I also became friends with stoners. In Grade 9 I hung out with the stoners more, and ended up picking up a smoking habit because of it, along with being insulted and demeaned by them numerous times. I don't know what I was thinking, I figured a boy my age needs friends and at the time they were the only people with my lunch. I started simply going home for lunch, and slowly broke off any contact with the people I knew. I never hung out after school, never went to parties etc.
Around here I started to resolve that socialising was unnecessary, that I would be perfectly happy if I was simply left alone. For the entirety of Grade 10 I always went home for lunch, though occasionally I would bring over one of my close friends. When I was with my close friends in class I was somewhat talkative, but in classes without them I was very quiet. For the most part I grew very attached to isolating behaviours; my room is my place of solace, and when my family has left me alone in the house, then the entire house becomes a happy place for me. I can never be at ease around people, even around my close friends I can only endure their company for so long until I want to be alone. I hate it when people come into my room, when people draw me out of my room, when people ask me to go outside the house. I only like to leave the house to buy books, food, games, anything I necessarily need. I rarely even speak with my own family, I dislike speaking with my parents and only on occasion do I ask my brother how he is. Generally when guests are around I'll avoid even greeting them, or I will try to make it as quick and concise as possible. I do not like talking to people in my daily life at all, in fact I very likely prefer being alone and DO NOT feel lonely or depressed, as some people in my situation might.
Keep in mind I am only 15, and understand it takes longer than such an age for a personality disorder to develop. This is part of the reason I suspect myself of having Asperger's Disorder as apposed to schizoid personality, or possibly an amalgation of the two. I suspect Asperger's Disorder because of the way I enjoy fixating on one thing, like a certain anime I like, a certain subject, I've become interested in psychology too, however for somebody suspecting mental disorders of themselves this can only be considered natural. I've been part of an AS forum for some time, and find I can relate to them well, and share many of the same feelings and confusions over the intricacies of social interaction they do. I also share some of the clinical features, a sensitivity to certain noises (I can't stand any sort of distracting noise, it tend to piss me off), I have the 'stimming' behaviours, and I generally dislike touching, being touched, or being around other people.
Because of my suspicions, I've gone ahead and spoken to my doctor to get a diagnosis for Asperger's Disorder. If I'm schizoid, I don't think any such diagnosis is necessary. However, like any self-absorbent person I have a keen priority on understanding myself, this being one of them.
So to people who do know they are schizoids frequenting this forum, do I sound like one of you?






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