Yet another funeral

After a wedding last year I swore off all weddings and funerals. Skipped one grandmother's, also to avoid my crazy uncle. Never visited either grandmother while they were in care facilities even though I knew they were dying. Skipped the last two years of Christmas which was usually when I'd see family. My mother was definitely upset but not wanting to say it that I'm likely not going to this one. I told her I probably wouldn't go. I definitely don't want to go to the big public part, I was there for my grandfather's at the same place and it was terrible. In general though this is just the natural outcome of being constantly disrespected by people at every turn in my life.

So I feel slightly guilty to not do these things, but also I know going just makes me really angry. I hate most of the people I'll see at these things. And I really hate people that like to fight over the dead's possessions. The excuse will be made that I should do these things for the sake of some other people, but I want to deal with things in my own way and that doesn't involve them. I also took the two days around the funeral off anyway, which maybe that's unfair, but I want to take my time to myself. Sit in. Read a book. Maybe spend some time on a personal project.

I also just do not want to deal with the two hour road trip there and back. I get so stressed out nowadays driving, in public, in strange places, surrounded by people that I often find contempt for. I'm more annoyed and paranoid than I used to be. I never mind people like working at the gas station or serving food, I respect them just fine. The people I end up hating are those that show any major sign of selfish decision making. Aggressive driving for example. I go so far out of my way to NOT disrupt other people's days, and I expect them to do the same for me. I often wonder if I'd fit in better in an area with a quieter culture in general. Everyone is entitled to their time, their space, their safety, and no ######6 with each other try to to "get yours" from things.

I've lived my entire life in such a way as to NOT depend on or take advantage of anyone else. It just doesn't seem like that's a core value to the world at large, and I have a lot of anger about it.

Ashlar wrote:I go so far out of my way to NOT disrupt other people's days, and I expect them to do the same for me.

What sucks is most people are unable to grasp the concept of it being possible to have your day disrupted just by stepping outside. I don't care anymore. I've spent too much of my life trying to adapt to social expectations and it's never done anything positive for me. No more.

Nevertheless, once or twice a year I attend some kind of gathering or event, usually because not doing so would require endless explanations and/or apologies that would be more trying than the event itself. But it's also to keep myself from sinking too deeply into myself, and to remind myself that I'm better off without these events and that there's nothing wrong with that.

It just doesn't seem like that's a core value to the world at large, and I have a lot of anger about it.

Agreed.

Ashlar wrote:After a wedding last year I swore off all weddings and funerals.

 
Was that the first or the second time? Just teasing.

Ashlar wrote:Skipped the last two years of Christmas

 
How was that for you? I haven't done any family gatherings since 2012 and I can't imagine a reason to go back. Your mom seems to have a pity card. Is it enough to draw you back in?

naps wrote:

Ashlar wrote:It just doesn't seem like that's a core value to the world at large, and I have a lot of anger about it.

Agreed.

People might be overwhelmed although this is no excuse. If you hear that violations of house regulations will be penalized with public foot whipping, you know I gained political power.

Yeah I don't do my family's get-togethers anymore. My mom tried to guilt me for years till I said I got diagnosed as schizoid. She decided my SPD was purely my ex's fault, and now she merely seems grateful that I even bother to call her on occasion. I visit my boyfriend's family on holidays sometimes, but they're pretty easy to deal with.

My worst nightmare is that my parents don't somehow die together (preferably a quick death say by car wreck), and I have to either deal with my crazy mom in person again, or figuring out how to put my dad into a home (he has dementia), or perhaps find a relative who can take care of him. I almost convinced my mom to move into a nursing home, and I think I maybe still can trick em both into selling their land in the country and moving into one before they die. *fingers crossed*

Also I'm very grateful to have a bf with Aspberger's. While typing this, he got a phone call from his mom saying his brother in law passed away this morning. His response- "I'd say we're not going because we both have to work that day, but really it's because I barely know the guy and we don't care." When his mom continued the conversation saying how he should act around his sister he rejoiced saying "Oh f#ck yeah! I got a rare drop in Overwatch! Sorry mom I was tuning you out because I don't care."

I'd say I should've felt bad for laughing out loud, but his sister finalized a divorce with him for being an abusive alcoholic before the liver cancer won. I almost feel bad for her though, because she and her mom seem like two of the few in the family that actually feel emotions like normal folk. His sister put up an avatar on FB of her and her ex husband during this final week. I don't think I'll ever understand people like that.

Maybe I have a warped point of view due to my pd, but I don't get why people get angry though to be honest. I've often had to work shifts during holidays where I wasn't allowed off. I mean if someone isn't constantly mooching off of you, and ignoring you on top of it then who cares? They're self-sufficient enough that they don't need their family at least.

Dalloway wrote:Was that the first or the second time? Just teasing.

Like my fourth wedding. I kinda had sworn off them before informally. I was invited to that one as part of the groom's party, kinda told him no, but was convinced to go anyway. Thing was, wedding was fine, he's great, his wife is great, and I luckily didn't know most people there. Yet still, it tore me up to be there. So it's not just "my" family that pisses me off, a whole lot of people come around that I just don't agree with.

Dalloway wrote:How was that for you? I haven't done any family gatherings since 2012 and I can't imagine a reason to go back. Your mom seems to have a pity card. Is it enough to draw you back in?

It's going pretty good I think. I post here because I am at least slightly conflicted. This forum is going to probably give me a little bit more consideration that I can relate to. I don't actually like my mother, but I do have empathy for her. Like, if she wasn't my mom I wouldn't care as much, but otherwise I'd rather she be happier than not within reason.

naps wrote:People might be overwhelmed although this is no excuse. If you hear that violations of house regulations will be penalized with public foot whipping, you know I gained political power.

Noted. If you hear that someone in futuristic powered armor is crushing world governments to enforce somewhat reasonable constraints on power you can all know that somehow my dream universe became reality and also you should probably combine your efforts to stop me while you still can.

I chose a simple strategy to avoid all kind of stress with family reunions. 1st I simply tell them that these reunions don't do me good. Then I divide the crowd: those who understand, those who don't but want to and those who don't want to understand. The latter you can forget about. To the second I offer to explain (early childhood trauma, Bruce D. Perry, Bryan Post, Shelley Uram and all that stuff on youtube) and leave it up to them to understand or not. In the end those who understand I'm prepared to keep contact on a one on one base (in the end I would spend more time with them than at those reunions, but often they have no time for me). Those who don't understand: FO! This way I cleaned up my complete social environment.
BTW I avoid every social get-together where I don't have any control on who gets there. Because then there will always be someone who gets on my nerves.

orinoco wrote:In the end those who understand I'm prepared to keep contact on a one on one base (in the end I would spend more time with them than at those reunions, but often they have no time for me).

Yeah, exactly. I offered this to one aunt and one grandmother years ago. "I'm tired of showing up to these Thanksgiving shows, but if you just want to have dinner or something one night roughly "around" Thanksgiving I'd be glad to.

Similarly, thought about inviting my one remaining grandfather out to dinner just to specifically avoid seeing my uncle that has lived with him since I was a kid.

I can definitely empathise with your frustration. There is nothing more bothersome in this world (in the eyes of a schizoid) than other people. And even Sartre expressed it nicely: "Hell is other people". But as you said, the world doesn't share our value system, not at all. Us schizoids just want to leave everyone alone and be left alone ourselves. But if you think about it this is not the way for progress. Society requires that we engage with people, give our opinions and share criticisms. This is how things can move forward. The idea that I'll be good with you and you'll be good with me is usually referred to as "nice guy syndrome". I don't particularly think that schizoids fall under this category because their motivation is simply apathetic distancing, rather than fear of repercussions. But the general idea is that people who don't assert themselves and have more passive tendencies will get treated badly and without respect. I've had to learn it the hard myself. Even though inside I feel like becoming nobody I push myself to speak up when I'm being wronged.

I quit attending funerals long ago. I find them to be a negative thing. There is nothing that can be done once one has passed. We've got to move on (it's what the person who has passed on would want, anyway). Funerals are merely cash-cows for funeral homes, as far as I'm concerned.