After a wedding last year I swore off all weddings and funerals. Skipped one grandmother's, also to avoid my crazy uncle. Never visited either grandmother while they were in care facilities even though I knew they were dying. Skipped the last two years of Christmas which was usually when I'd see family. My mother was definitely upset but not wanting to say it that I'm likely not going to this one. I told her I probably wouldn't go. I definitely don't want to go to the big public part, I was there for my grandfather's at the same place and it was terrible. In general though this is just the natural outcome of being constantly disrespected by people at every turn in my life.
So I feel slightly guilty to not do these things, but also I know going just makes me really angry. I hate most of the people I'll see at these things. And I really hate people that like to fight over the dead's possessions. The excuse will be made that I should do these things for the sake of some other people, but I want to deal with things in my own way and that doesn't involve them. I also took the two days around the funeral off anyway, which maybe that's unfair, but I want to take my time to myself. Sit in. Read a book. Maybe spend some time on a personal project.
I also just do not want to deal with the two hour road trip there and back. I get so stressed out nowadays driving, in public, in strange places, surrounded by people that I often find contempt for. I'm more annoyed and paranoid than I used to be. I never mind people like working at the gas station or serving food, I respect them just fine. The people I end up hating are those that show any major sign of selfish decision making. Aggressive driving for example. I go so far out of my way to NOT disrupt other people's days, and I expect them to do the same for me. I often wonder if I'd fit in better in an area with a quieter culture in general. Everyone is entitled to their time, their space, their safety, and no ######6 with each other try to to "get yours" from things.
I've lived my entire life in such a way as to NOT depend on or take advantage of anyone else. It just doesn't seem like that's a core value to the world at large, and I have a lot of anger about it.