I'm not unhappy. I'm just glad others see the absurdity in society the way it runs currently. I recently started to suspect I was Schizoid after what feels like over a decade of research. I had started a new job, and one of my coworkers was a psych major. I brought up my diagnoses for ADHD from 1995, and expressed that I didn't think a functioning relationship was in my cards because I was on the autistic spectrum.
She stated that the newest version of the DSM (whatever number) has changed that classification, and she felt I wasn't displaying any autistic tendencies. Over time, as I began to show her more of my true self and not my persona, she agreed I was not neurotypical, but still did not believe I was autistic.
A few months later I was in a hyper focused research mode, and stumbled on this PD. I sent it to her almost immediately. Her response came much more quickly than anticipated, and she said something along the lines of...
"Wow, yea that actually makes much more sense. It's very rare though."
She did not believe I was fully Schizophrenic.
I fit almost 100% of the criteria, and it appears comorbit with ADHD in my case.
I'm not worried, stressed, broke, hungry, yearning for anything outside of long term work related goals I will likely achieve.
I'm generally happy when I follow my own internal compass, but when I try and do "normal" things I am very unhappy, and end up becoming very depressed and lonely. It's strange, the closer I get to people, the more lonely I feel.
I used to bounce jobs every 6 months. Keep the network, but leave on a postive frame of reference and just grew it to extreme porportions. Everyone loves my persona. Not a damn one of these people knows who I am. Not even a little. It's best if they don't.
I figured out I was a grey type Asexual at 21, and was dismissed for trying to express that. Everyone kept trying to push a homosexual lifestyle down my throat because I am mildly androgenous. I knew that wasn't me. It used to infuriate me.
Now I just ###$ with everyone to make them uncomfortable.
I'm not entirely "straight" persee, but I prefer the company of women. I'm not actually attracted to men like that. It's more of a perversion if that makes sense.
I guess my alcohol fueled rant ends like this.
I've been reading here.
I identify with a LOT of your personal experiences shared here. I don't have the energy to go through which ones right now at almost 3am, but I am so glad to find at least a few people that see the world in a similar way I do, and function in a similar way I do.
Because I honestly do not understand, even a little, how society makes the choices, and decisions they make. I do not understand the stressfull lifestyles they live, or their need to bring people into their immediate environment.
Their "normal" causes me direct harm. I cannot participate in it, in that way.
When it comes to fantasy worlds, I checked myself long long long long ago.
I got wrapped up in two "fantasy worlds" in my lifetime.
The first (and most dangerous) One was : "I can absolutely manipulate energy like the characters in anime." Got real into metaphysics, energy manipulation etc. Funnily enough, I may have had some success in that. But regardless, that is not worth excessive time. I could only see that leading into occult practice and other situations where I could have caused someone harm.
The second, and one I do not expect to drop, happens to be based in actual reality.
In that world, I am becoming, and will become, someone who is prolific in business. I have just so many dreams, ideas, businesses I want to start across so many industries. It's my driving force.
I channeled it into something that helps me. I did it a long long time ago.
I sacrificed everything normal to push towards these goals.
I have achieved many of these goals over time.
I expect to achieve at least a handful more.
In my fantasy, I am rich, all powerful, and able to make a large impact on the global capitalist economy.
Who I am, in that scenario in every way, is nothing like who I actually am.
But it is who I aim to be, and I will strive every moment for the rest of my life to achieve that because that feeling, that fire inside. It keeps me alive. It keeps me happy existing on the fringes.
Maybe its just rationalization. Maybe it's delusion. Probably. I don't care. I have to keep it, I have to use it. If I don't, I logically come to the conclusion that there is no logical reason to be here so why bother.
In truth, life can be fun, even alone. Admitting my dreams, and idealistic view of myself, the world, an others, will never come to pass, just won't allow me to function in any normal capacity.
Idk tho.
I'm just glad to see some testimonials from some others similar to myself.
But who cares.
Ur not my real Dad.
I spent year