Funerals and dealing with the dying...

So both of my grandmothers are apparently on their last legs. When my mother called I didn't pick up, as just talking to her stresses me out. She then texted me, which I'm more fine with, but it stresses me out anyway. Then the next day my cousin on my father's side called me, which I did answer, because I have less trouble talking to her. Apparently my grandfather doesn't want to call me to tell me because the last time I talked to him I was pretty angry over him lying to me and attempting to manipulate a situation. But he really wants me to call him.

After the last wedding I went to I basically swore off weddings and funerals. They always always always leave me just angry as hell. I hate people. I hate the way they behave. Everything about those social constructs bugs me, even if I like the people involved.

I feel like the easiest thing to do is say I'm going then don't go.

You basically described my feelings about weddings and funerals. I think they’re equally terrible, and they give me the same feelings of dread and annoyance.

Honestly, I’ve found it better to bite the bullet and go. It sucks and the events are terrible, but the social backlash you’ll get later is usually worse. My grandfather had a military funeral last summer, so it was blessedly short. I wish all funerals were like that.

You can make an appearance, but leave after the viewing. Or you can make an appearance at the reception. Do you typically say you’ll go and don’t? If that actually works, I may give it a try.

Hi,
seems like a very difficult situation. You seem to live in a traumatizing social atmosphere. That does no good to you and you feel it. As it is your family it makes things more complicate, but I think you have to decide according to what is good for you and what's not. My strategy to achieve this goes like this: given a "problematic" person who triggers me constantly in my social atmosphere I try to talk to him 1st and explain that his behaviour stresses me out and that does no good to me. I leave him the choice: he changes his way he treats me or I draw my consequences by explicitly breaking up the connection and ignore him or restrict to unproblematic social schemes (e.g. drinking coffee, my grand uncle used to say: "With relatives you should drink coffee" (and not talk about politics and other political stuff)). In the internet the latter is known amoung geeks as the "plonk file", because it always makes the "Plonk" sound every time you throw a quarrelsome person in it and it hits the bottom of the file. Of course this needs some consistency, but it pays off.
And to me it helps to have a reliable, trustworthy, honest, supportive partner as some kind of moral backing. So my advice: tell it like it is. Tell people they are doing no good to you, when they are doing no good to you. Your feeling is always right. And honesty is the best policy.

"The worst thing about parents is that they eventually die and you have to find someone else to despise."

UK SPD wrote:"The worst thing about parents is that they eventually die and you have to find someone else to despise."

My parents have been dead for years and I still despise them.

Also, I've noticed there seem to be a lot of threads about death and dying on this forum, and not just relating to emotional affect. There was my thread about your own death, and a while back there was a discussion about how long our corpses would lie there unattended before somebody noticed.

I wonder why that is?

Seems like an easy situation.

Either
- your vow is worth something and you draw a line or
- you suck it up and go there, like when you went to the wedding.
But this time, if you go, you don't get to complain, because you know what will happen and you have a choice.

Playing along half-assed while moaning is so whipped teen 1.0.
You have such a clear line when it comes to other topics. Make a stand!


I like funerals in theory. Everything is ritualized and people wear proper clothing; everything is heavy and thoughtful, theoretically. Sadly once again reality is no competition. If there were people (plural) I treasure – meaning - I spent time with them VOLUNTARILY – and one of them died, I wouldn't exclude myself from any ritualized farewell, we would deem appropriate.
But there aren't, so I have and shall.

orinoco wrote:reliable, trustworthy, honest, supportive partner

If you didn't find my robot-unicorn from the future, I have to ask, did you take something?

naps wrote:I wonder why that [threads about death and dying] is?

I think mortality is a human core theme.
Also you taking your last breaths is an extreme situation where the desire for companionship might creep in. I can imagine being afraid because If that came to pass, some would question their self-identification.

As long as I don't have to arrange them, funerals are interesting.
Weddings are awkward and pointless.

How are they interesting? They're just like weddings; a bunch of people gathered together acting fake. Maybe you have an interest in corpses?

We don't have open casket funerals, but then again, those caskets are pretty hot.

slimsally wrote:You basically described my feelings about weddings and funerals. I think they’re equally terrible, and they give me the same feelings of dread and annoyance.

Honestly, I’ve found it better to bite the bullet and go. It sucks and the events are terrible, but the social backlash you’ll get later is usually worse. My grandfather had a military funeral last summer, so it was blessedly short. I wish all funerals were like that.

You can make an appearance, but leave after the viewing. Or you can make an appearance at the reception. Do you typically say you’ll go and don’t? If that actually works, I may give it a try.

WTF are you talking about. Weddings are for making the old farts pay for and you and your wifey get the checks in that box.

At a certain point in my life I was actually making various considerations and schemes on how to get married twice or three times to different women just to cash in.

I even had a planned out scenario for my first divorce, getting in a suicidal period...only to meet my real real love as to get those fat checks again. It really was a nice plan...but then I realised I would have to suck it up like real time and really put a lot of faking effort with these women. Then again, going by mild estimation a good proper wedding should cash in over 20k USD. It also won't be to hard to manipulate my other half to believing we need not spend the money on a honeymoon rather invest it in the markets or save for our dream home!

I better stop now...my psychopathic side is showing and starting to scheme and day dream.

PS: How can you dislike weddings? Free booze. It is the only reason I go to them and if lucky there will be a fight for entertainment. Gotta love gettin shitfaced on weddings and spreading some chaos.