Giving honest feedback

Argh! Help!
My friend, a jazz singer, has given me her new CD, and says she expects 'honest' feedback.
I find her style too light and gutless (though her band's good, especially the pianist).
Do I do the polite thing and give her bland praise, or do I pretend I'm a proper critic and maybe risk one of the few friendships I've got?
Actually, a by far more important consideration is what I actually do with the CD!
It doesn't belong with my other CDs. It's an alien presence in my apartment. I've put it at the back of a drawer thinking I'll get it out if she visits, but it's like a tell-tell heart. Everything I possess has a meaning and a place. My life is now disjointed by this incursion.
But I can't throw it away or give it back to her, as that would offend my well-mannered upbringing.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to have any social interaction with anyone at all.

UK SPD wrote:Do I do the polite thing and give her bland praise

That slip says it all, tell her the truth, lying won't make their band better, giving honest feedback could.

You other query is too autistic for me to comment on really, just put it away somewhere.

Dazz wrote:tell her the truth, lying won't make their band better, giving honest feedback could.

What's more important: having her as a friend or improving her music through honest critique?

If your greatest concern here is that her skills improve, by all means, be honest. But I don't recommend you do that. Maybe there's a market out there for light, gutless jazz. Or, more likely, someone else is bound to come along and tell her the truth. Why should you have to be the one to do it? You've got more at stake.

UK SPD wrote:Actually, a by far more important consideration is what I actually do with the CD!
It doesn't belong with my other CDs. It's an alien presence in my apartment. I've put it at the back of a drawer thinking I'll get it out if she visits, but it's like a tell-tell heart. Everything I possess has a meaning and a place. My life is now disjointed by this incursion.

Oh good! an OCD question. I have several shelves of CD's throughout my apt., usually separated by genre, and on the bottom, at the end (they're usually arranged alphabetically) is where I put the titles that are either vague, hard to categorize, unbelievably sucky, or otherwise unwanted. They are all there, on display, but sort of hidden and forgotten about. I also have a small stack between the mini-system speakers in the kitchen for random cd's I haven't yet figured out where to put. My advice is to keep trying out spots for it, eventually you'll find a place you're comfortable with.

Dazz wrote:You other query is too autistic for me to comment on really, just put it away somewhere.

You're so blunt Dazz, shut up.

naps wrote:You're so blunt Dazz, shut up.

0SG, huh? Well you go ahead and be the best Dazz you can be!

naps wrote:What's more important: having her as a friend or improving her music through honest critique?

If your greatest concern here is that her skills improve, by all means, be honest. But I don't recommend you do that. Maybe there's a market out there for light, gutless jazz. Or, more likely, someone else is bound to come along and tell her the truth. Why should you have to be the one to do it? You've got more at stake.

Her asking for honest feedback implies that she'd be able to improve her performance? That might not be the case. I'm afraid that I'd go with he white lie option and keep the peace.

naps wrote:Oh good! an OCD question. I have several shelves of CD's throughout my apt., usually separated by genre, and on the bottom, at the end (they're usually arranged alphabetically) is where I put the titles that are either vague, hard to categorize, unbelievably sucky, or otherwise unwanted. They are all there, on display, but sort of hidden and forgotten about. I also have a small stack between the mini-system speakers in the kitchen for random cd's I haven't yet figured out where to put. My advice is to keep trying out spots for it, eventually you'll find a place you're comfortable with.

The issue of what to do with the CD would bother me more than the feedback part. Naps makes some good suggestions. You can't leave it in the back of a drawer and get it out when she next comes round. What if you forget?

I don't have CDs any more, Everything is digitalised now and kept on my server. Could you maybe do that? You'd never have to worry about this happening again and could legitimately give the CD back.

CloudShark wrote:You can't leave it in the back of a drawer and get it out when she next comes round. What if you forget?

I have a friend who's always giving me DVD's I "must watch" because I'll "Love them". Not so. I keep them in a drawer and file them on my shelves whenever he comes over, which is only a few times a year. Oddly I find it more unsettling to forget they're in my library after he leaves than the prospect of forgetting to put them on the shelves before he comes over.

I don't have CDs any more, Everything is digitalised now and kept on my server. Could you maybe do that? You'd never have to worry about this happening again and could legitimately give the CD back.

I'm not at all comfortable with this. I'm too archaic to give up my physical media. Having everything in digital form is very OCD triggering. It seems so vague and vulnerable that way.

UK SPD wrote:Actually, a by far more important consideration is what I actually do with the CD!
It doesn't belong with my other CDs. It's an alien presence in my apartment. I've put it at the back of a drawer thinking I'll get it out if she visits, but it's like a tell-tell heart. Everything I possess has a meaning and a place. My life is now disjointed by this incursion.

naps wrote:Oh good! an OCD question.

I really feel I have to delve deeper into OCD some time soon. Things like this (not specifically with those CDs, but comparable situations) are all too familiar to me... I've read more OCD-ish things on this forum lately of which I could only think ''Dammit, that's me!''. It seems so silly to be bothered so much about just a ###$' CD, but I can totally understand.

It makes me wonder, does this thing also work the other way around for you guys? I never lend any of my stuff anymore. If I do so and have an empty space where it belonged, I simply cannot relax until I got it back so everything can be restored. I just can't live peacefully without having my stuff complete, or with the knowledge that I have to remind to get that particular thing back or something. The realization that I still miss something, even when it's about to be given back to me in the near future, is just unsettling. It must be fixed. Otherwise, it keeps running through my mind, taking up capacity, which I feel is already too limited.

Anyway, to get back to the feedback thing: the way feedback is presented makes a big difference. I'm usually honest, but subtle, in a way my feedback is rarely taken as an offense or personal attack.

A bit of game theory here: If you establish yourself as brutally honest in advance, people can deal with it. If you come out of left field with something when you usually act so overly polite, they will not deal well with it. People also can detect if you are putting off giving an answer or something, little lulls in your timing can give it away.

What I'm saying is your answer needs to be informed by everything that has happened before. Choreograph your character as other people view it.

In my own personal case, if someone wanted a hard criticism and asked me, they'd get it in spades. But I've established that personality. I have social permission to be a dick in those circumstances. I was talking at this wedding last weekend about how I have trouble with names and faces and I more-or-less keep a character sheet in my head about people to try to figure them out and someone asked me what his sheet would say: I told him the first time I met him he came on way too strong with his bragging about his own brewery #######4 like he was trying to impress people. Harsh, abnormal, but meh everyone rolled with it. I wasn't wrong, but my character as they understand it permits these sort of social errors. I'm allowed to say weird non-conforming things and even to tell someone off if needed.

Just say something positive in addition to the criticism. If you like any part of her vocals then say that you'd like to hear her sing more in that style.