TheMayor wrote:1. Have you always had the same inability to feel pleasure? (If not, when did it start?)
I don't really think I have anhedonia, or if I do I do not realize it. What I can say is that I am less effected by pleasure than others. I also have high pain tolerance and can force myself to do things others don't seem to be able to because physical and emotional feelings are things I consciously treat as noise a lot of the time.
2. Do you desire sex?
Somewhat at times. Having had emotional intimacy but not physical intimacy, I sometimes miss the emotional intimacy. I'm often happy enough just to hang out with a dog or something.
3. Do you derive pleasure from "good" or "tasty" food?
For sure. I also really love the craft and skill and science that goes into making good cheese or something.
4. Do you smoke or drink anything? Why?
I was drinking quite copiously up until two weeks ago. A couple drinks would make me more sociable in "normal" ways, which is how a lot of people "liked" me. Enough drinks would drown out my unceasing anger at the world and eventually knock me out. It gave me a way to pass the time without having to hate everyone and everything constantly. It may have exacerbated my suicidal tendencies outwardly so that they became observable to other people, but I'll admit here that being sober I'm just as ponderously interested in my own death as I am drunk. I'm just less stupid about communicating as much. I apparently also annoyed my roommate because I'd hang around too long and vie for her attention at times, but I also think it had more to do with her hating her alcoholic stepfather and not wanting to deal with someone that was like him in that way.
5. Are there any exceptions that make you feel like how you expect the general population feels?
Being intoxicated numbs me down closer to their level. I don't think I'll ever feel like the "general" population feels. Most of my direct peers have advanced degrees (doctors, lawyers, professors). It would take a massive change in my brain to ever feel like the wal-mart people.
6. How do you keep yourself motivated day to day?
I wake up ready to do things, but my real active day ends at lunch or so. After that I get lethargic, watch entertainment things, get bored of that, then start to lament existence. By the time I'm supposed to sleep I'm deeply concerned with killing myself so the cycle ends. Opioids worked for the month I used them to quell that unrest and just let me sleep, but they have other consequences. Alcohol was hit or miss, but also makes me too visible to people that are around me, specifically living with someone else while intoxicated is dangerous. I might show a chink in the mask.
What works, but is also a ton of work, is to physically exhaust myself. 800-1200 calorie diet. Walk 10 KM a day. Basically, wear the body out and it will sleep. If I'm kept sufficiently exhausted, I don't question every waking moment and how much I hate interacting with humans.
To be fair, I want to try taking care of a dog to see if that would help.