Your thoughts about people and social interactions

I like to analyse and think about society and people.
Things like "how does the interactions work? Why do people seek it? Why should I seek it?
What's the point of parties? Why do people get so excited about just the idea of going to a party?"


Today I was thinking about it, about how I can't get into the way that most interactions and conversations works.
To me, talking with someone is about having some interest in common, or some interest about what the other person can say to you, and what you can say to him/her. It's about some curiosity about the other person and some desire to tell the other person more about your life, opinions, etc. Though I'd say that most interactions seems to be (unconsciously) more about "I want you to know me, or something about me, and maybe so you can like me and/or help me".
Or else, not to know you, but the image you want people to have of you.

Anyway, it seems to be an activity that generates positive feelings in their brains, otherwise people wouldn't seek it so much. But I just can't feel this same thing.
When I'm around people, I have no interest in having conversations, and whenever I ask something about them or make some comments about what they said, it's very generic and superficial. I'm just pretending I care.
And I can't feel any positive response in my brain. I would rather be reading something alone, or painting, or just walking by myself.


BUT, I need people to achieve some goals in life, just like having an active sexual life. That's my only motivation to still seek some company, but my lack of genuine interest for people and their company and maybe a lack of social skills keeps me away from this goal.
I wouldn't be here questioning all these things if I could magically make a sex addict woman appear naked on my bed.



Now I would like to read your thoughts about interactions, interest for people, etc.
Are you ok about pretending you care about them, if it's needed to achieve something you want? And can you pretend so well that you seems to be completely "normal"?
If so, how did you get those skills?

Or if you decided to just live and accept your life as a lone person, how do you deal with the fact that maybe you'll need people to achieve some goals?

JackTheNewOne wrote:I like to analyse and think about society and people.
Things like "how does the interactions work? Why do people seek it? Why should I seek it?
What's the point of parties? Why do people get so excited about just the idea of going to a party?"

So everyone does this to one degree or another, but this follows quite frequently from the "schizoid" personality. Schiz as in separate, as in your mind and body are more separated than a normative personality type. You'll find that quite a bit of why we ask ourselves these questions about others is because we quite literally have to ask these questions. The separation means we don't just viscerally "get" how a lot of behaviors translate into "happy" brain chemical reactions or whatever. A lot of more normative people are basically dragged along by their existence desire to get endorphins or whatever. Many of them don't actually take the time to ask themselves first order questions like "Why do I like baseball?", they just do.

JackTheNewOne wrote:When I'm around people, I have no interest in having conversations, and whenever I ask something about them or make some comments about what they said, it's very generic and superficial. I'm just pretending I care.
And I can't feel any positive response in my brain. I would rather be reading something alone, or painting, or just walking by myself.

There's nothing wrong with that. I remember when I learned that I could get through family gatherings by always turning the conversation around on people, getting them to talk about themselves, rather than me actually having to actively participate. I think our highschool/college environment, at least in the US, makes it seem like you are morally obligated to do more - but you're not.

JackTheNewOne wrote:BUT, I need people to achieve some goals in life, just like having an active sexual life. That's my only motivation to still seek some company, but my lack of genuine interest for people and their company and maybe a lack of social skills keeps me away from this goal.
I wouldn't be here questioning all these things if I could magically make a sex addict woman appear naked on my bed.

Just hire an escort or a prostitute or whatever if that's your mental framework. Or buy a doll or whatever and hope for advances in VR or whatever. Better to maintain your integrity and have an honest transaction than to coerce someone into sex by being dishonest with them and yourself. Tons of people lie, cheat, and manipulate in order to get laid. Happens constantly. You could train up your fake personality and coerce someone into sleeping with you, but at the end of the day I don't think this makes anyone happy and makes the world a worse place.

JackTheNewOne wrote:Now I would like to read your thoughts about interactions, interest for people, etc.
Are you ok about pretending you care about them, if it's needed to achieve something you want? And can you pretend so well that you seems to be completely "normal"?
If so, how did you get those skills?

Or if you decided to just live and accept your life as a lone person, how do you deal with the fact that maybe you'll need people to achieve some goals?

I cope via having a mask I put on every day to go to work. I do just enough lip service to normal human interactions to maintain my working relationships and get paid. I have a skill set that is at least somewhat valuable (software dev). Adults with good professional character really don't mind me and my not being a part of the social game. I even give presentations at times to the company and what not, and I just stick to facts and I try to always be quick and professional.

Do I seem normal? No. Do I seem reasonable? I think so.

As I get older I've mellowed out a bit. It was harder when I was younger. Now the tables have largely turned.

Ashlar wrote:So everyone does this to one degree or another, but this follows quite frequently from the "schizoid" personality. Schiz as in separate, as in your mind and body are more separated than a normative personality type. You'll find that quite a bit of why we ask ourselves these questions about others is because we quite literally have to ask these questions. The separation means we don't just viscerally "get" how a lot of behaviors translate into "happy" brain chemical reactions or whatever. A lot of more normative people are basically dragged along by their existence desire to get endorphins or whatever. Many of them don't actually take the time to ask themselves first order questions like "Why do I like baseball?", they just do.

Yeah it's just natural to them. I mean, the human species likes parties since primitive times, with drums and things, haha.
I think it's supposed to be a natural part of us, but for us people with schizoid personality or maybe the more introvert people this just doesn't apply.

Ashlar wrote:Just hire an escort or a prostitute or whatever if that's your mental framework. Or buy a doll or whatever and hope for advances in VR or whatever. Better to maintain your integrity and have an honest transaction than to coerce someone into sex by being dishonest with them and yourself. Tons of people lie, cheat, and manipulate in order to get laid. Happens constantly. You could train up your fake personality and coerce someone into sleeping with you, but at the end of the day I don't think this makes anyone happy and makes the world a worse place.

I'm still a bit reluctant with the idea of hiring an escort, but I think I should really consider it.

Ashlar wrote:I cope via having a mask I put on every day to go to work. I do just enough lip service to normal human interactions to maintain my working relationships and get paid.

I guess I'll have to work on building a "better" mask. Right now I can't be convincent and my boredom and lack of interest is visible in many ways.

Ashlar's advice on turning the conversation back toward the other person is what works best for me. I usually try to think of random questions and that makes it look like I'm engaged. If I can't think of a single question, I'll respond with something generic like "very cool!" or "that's interesting!"

It tends to fall apart when I'm dealing with someone who's going through an emotional situation, though occasionally people do seem to value that I can keep a cool head when something bad is happening. But I don't think anyone is good at those situations, so it's not like we're at a remarkable disadvantage there.

I'm not sure I agree that it's disingenuous to put on the mask to get what you need from other people. As long as you can keep the mask on most of the time around them, they get what they want and you get what you want. Sure, there's always the danger something will slip and someone will get hurt, but that's just life IMO.

Socially, the hardest thing for me to do is to ask someone for something while I have no leverage to make them do it. That happens a fair amount for me on my job. I'm usually surprised by how well people accommodate these kinds of requests, but I'm much more comfortable in a quid pro quo scenario.

TheMayor wrote:Socially, the hardest thing for me to do is to ask someone for something while I have no leverage to make them do it. That happens a fair amount for me on my job. I'm usually surprised by how well people accommodate these kinds of requests, but I'm much more comfortable in a quid pro quo scenario.

I forget where I read it, but I think some research suggested that asking people for small favors tended to make them think they like you. Like there's a causation in the brain between having helped someone and liking someone.

JackTheNewOne wrote:To me, talking with someone is about having some interest in common, or some interest about what the other person can say to you, and what you can say to him/her. It's about some curiosity about the other person and some desire to tell the other person more about your life, opinions, etc. Though I'd say that most interactions seems to be (unconsciously) more about "I want you to know me, or something about me, and maybe so you can like me and/or help me".

For me it depends a lot about what kind of person I’m talking to. If it’s someone with whom I have no common knowledge or interests, I find it extremely difficult not only to muster up the energy it takes to talk to them, but also to feel comfortable doing so. I’m uncomfortable talking to most everyone on some level, but if it’s someone who I can’t relate to in any way or can’t find any common ground with, I almost feel like I am betraying myself, wasting time. It feels pointless, like I;m talking to a cat or something.

But you’re right about people wanting to only talk about themselves. I guess that’s pretty much how most us operate, myself included. I live a pretty rich life inside my head, and my interest in many of the different arts sometimes facilitates a need to express my opinions and impressions of things. Unfortunately it seems most people like to talk about what they had for lunch or their vacation. If I find that rare person whom with I share interests, I can be quite verbose.

Or else, not to know you, but the image you want people to have of you.

Yeah, that’s problematic because I don’t really care about the image I project., which causes people to label me. It may sound deceptively defiant, but I honestly don’t care about that either. I used to, but caring that way is like doing maintenance on your social image, which is something i know little about.

I would rather be reading something alone, or painting, or just walking by myself.

Amen, brother.

Are you ok about pretending you care about them, if it's needed to achieve something you want?

No. But at this point in my life, when I have no money, I have no choice. A friend I see once a month helps me out with money, so I don't really mind making a day-long monthly visit to hang out. It's not like I can just pop over to his place, grab the money and split. I mean, actually I DO mind the visits, but have resigned myself to the fact that if I want the $$$, I'm going to have to give him some of my time. In the past I've always been reluctant when he wants to get together, so I wonder if he knows that the ease in which he can get my attention these days is due to the money he gives me. Probably.

And can you pretend so well that you seems to be completely "normal"?

I think so. For as little as I think I know (or want to know) about other people, I think I'm pretty good at reading them. I may even have some manipulation skills with those I know best. It can be a good shortcut to getting what you want...

Ashlar wrote:I forget where I read it, but I think some research suggested that asking people for small favors tended to make them think they like you. Like there's a causation in the brain between having helped someone and liking someone.

...like this. Interesting. I'll bet it only works with small favors, though.

Ashlar wrote:Many of them don't actually take the time to ask themselves first order questions like "Why do I like baseball?", they just do.

People do what the media (social media and otherwise) and internet tell them to do. When you're separated from society, it's easier to see how this works.

JackTheNewOne wrote:BUT, I need people to achieve some goals in life, just like having an active sexual life. That's my only motivation to still seek some company, but my lack of genuine interest for people and their company and maybe a lack of social skills keeps me away from this goal.
I wouldn't be here questioning all these things if I could magically make a sex addict woman appear naked on my bed.

JackTheNewOne wrote:

Now I would like to read your thoughts about interactions, interest for people, etc.
Are you ok about pretending you care about them, if it's needed to achieve something you want? And can you pretend so well that you seems to be completely "normal"?
If so, how did you get those skills?

Or if you decided to just live and accept your life as a lone person, how do you deal with the fact that maybe you'll need people to achieve some goals?

I'm indifferent to most people, but occasionally there is someone that catches my interest. The reason I don't quite understand myself.

With the people that get my interest, I think I'm able to be "normal." I'm curious about them, I just want to ask them questions, find out as much as possible, delve deep into their psyche. Why? Its hard to say. There have been only a very small handful of people in my life that had that effect on me.

I imagine with Nons, most people they meet have that effect. That is why they can so easily and eagerly make small talk and show interest and want to hang out?

I think with Schizoids its just a much more minimal reaction of this kind. We can be like a "Non" but only a few, isolated situations. Anyways perhaps its given me a little insight into how it is for Nons.

The situation is pleasant and pleasurable, when I meet someone that actually interests me. So if that's how it is for Nons at all times, I envy them.

Sorry if I rambled and didn't answer the questions. I'm not really okay with pretending "just to get by." Its hard work. I've gone to great lengths to create a life in which I don't have to do that.

Sure, there is the occasional thing I have to do, but not as much as regular people. I have tried to make things as Schizoid-friendly as possible, for myself.

[/quote] Now I would like to read your thoughts about interactions, interest for people, etc.
Are you ok about pretending you care about them, if it's needed to achieve something you want? And can you pretend so well that you seems to be completely "normal"?
If so, how did you get those skills?

Or if you decided to just live and accept your life as a lone person, how do you deal with the fact that maybe you'll need people to achieve some goals?[/quote]

First I have no abilities of manipulation at all. never have had.

People get excited about parties because they believe they will find a person there to make them happy. Happiness is derived from conversations. 'To be loved'---is what I'm getting at. I don't understand it.

I am not OK with pretending to care about others because I have gone down this rode so many times and failed. No one believes that I care --so I have given up on trying to even find work because I am singled out as the girl who does not care. My co-workers attempt to sabotage me. I can't fool anyone. I have Zero ability to manipulate anyone into doing what I want. I stopped trying to get others to do what I want when I was a kid.


I will not need people at all If I have enough finances. I don't have the $ so I have a husband.

Ashlar wrote:I forget where I read it, but I think some research suggested that asking people for small favors tended to make them think they like you. Like there's a causation in the brain between having helped someone and liking someone.

naps wrote:...like this. Interesting. I'll bet it only works with small favors, though.

I'm getting used to this thing of asking things and yes, people will try to help you. They want you to like them, and helping you is a more guaranteed way of having your admiration. It's basicaly an unconscious way of thinking that makes most people behave in this way.
It may be different in each place of the world, but here in Brazil people always try to be nice and are very open to others. But I see that in some countries people are more closed on themselves and serious, so I don't know how it works.
Anyway I'm not saying I'm using people, but when there's not emotional connection, it's hard not seeing things with this "cold" and rational perspective.

MotherRussia wrote:I'm indifferent to most people, but occasionally there is someone that catches my interest. The reason I don't quite understand myself.

With the people that get my interest, I think I'm able to be "normal." I'm curious about them, I just want to ask them questions, find out as much as possible, delve deep into their psyche. Why? Its hard to say. There have been only a very small handful of people in my life that had that effect on me.

I imagine with Nons, most people they meet have that effect. That is why they can so easily and eagerly make small talk and show interest and want to hang out?

I think with Schizoids its just a much more minimal reaction of this kind. We can be like a "Non" but only a few, isolated situations. Anyways perhaps its given me a little insight into how it is for Nons.

The situation is pleasant and pleasurable, when I meet someone that actually interests me. So if that's how it is for Nons at all times, I envy them.

Yeah I realised it recently. They are undoubtedly happier than us. They can make friends and find partners far more easily, and looks like their life just "flows" in a more natural way. Both on a personal/emotional aspect, and on the professional area too.
Every person is somehow interesting for them. Being around people is like being charged with energy for them, while for me I feel like my energy is being drained.

^^ Does this ever make you wonder if a larger portion of the population can sympathize with you than it would seem at first glance? A huge portion of the population is classified as Introvert by Myers Briggs.

According to the Myers Briggs website:

Extraversion (E)
I like getting my energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. I'm excited when I'm around people and I like to energize other people.

Introversion (I)
I like getting my energy from dealing with the ideas, pictures, memories, and reactions that are inside my head, in my inner world. I often prefer doing things alone or with one or two people I feel comfortable with.

It seems like "Introvert" by definition is close to 3 or 4 of the SPD diagnostic criteria! So maybe our perception of the general population is tainted by the vocal half (approximately) who make the most noise?