progress....

Hi, seeking support............? I've been feeling fear non stop for the last 24 hours. It's slown me right down, it's kind of beautiful and I dislike bad smells now, and a few other things. I can't intellectualize my thoughts anymore. I managed to let my mother in somehow. Constantly threatening myself to kill myself while taking Sertraline if I can't feel how much I love my family has just overridden everything and after an intense moment of trying to reconnect with reality by simply watching television for the first time in months, I asked my mom for a hug, had an argument. Resolved it. But later that night fear kicked in and it's difficult.....

Right now I feel fear and apathy, wonderful mix. I'm also very happy and feel mild love. Support of some kind I think will make me calm. I'd ask for sympathy but maybe a simple congrats would be nice =)

Now I feel super hopeless, that's wonderful. What a confirming contradiction.

I'm looking on facebook at all the things the rest of the humans are doing, it's all designed to elevate the soul I think. It's working for me. I really need someone to say something to me here :\ ......................................................................................................... No I. do not. ok. idk goodbye, I don't want release. I'll just embrace life. byee

Sounds like you're having a mental breakdown, have you been really stressed lately? I've had a bunch of them. Best thing to do is relax, eat some brain food and try to get some sleep. Oh and delete your facebook.

I've been trying to figure out emotions, but I just killed my ego trying to do it alone. I don't care about anything, all the social connections in the world couldn't help me now. My apathy won, even over overwhelming sadness. At least my ego isn't telling me to hurt people anymore because I can't find anyone to connect with. Detachment rocks, suicidal idealization and euphoria is awesome.

Hmmm.... I'm gonna be rich in a few years, really rich. God I hope I don't kill myself.

p.s. I don't feel stress. Even when I felt an intense amount of fear for about 2 days, when I felt my own fear for the first time in my life, it's like there was this unnatural emptiness in my stomach, and the feeling just past by easily.

I'm not alive anymore, and I'm still here in the world... I couldn't kill myself because of my family. But I'm just dead, through and through! ;\

I can't kill myself, what should I do for the next year? Do a business course? I can just make myself feel happy now apparently. Okay. Sadness makes food taste the best.

Here's some observations I've found about myself. I don't know if they apply to anyone else.
Love breeds fear. It makes you want to protect, help, understand, be understood.
Fear makes pain hurt, makes smells distasteful. Fear of fear controls fear.
Ego wants safety and meaning. Life is confusing.
Happiness brings enjoyment and passion.
Sadness brings thoughts of friends and family, filled by loneliness. All you have to do to be lonely is try to reach out.
Anger is explosive but easy for me to control.
Laughter lifts the soul. It's also existentially optimistic.
Apathy is the opposite of love.

I can detach at will.............................. ;\

###$ me I'm going away, have a nice life people.

If anyone is interested in talking to me I'll come back to talk, just leave a message, a little fake motivation in life would be amusing.