by Ashlar » Wed Dec 10, 2014 8:37 pm
I don't know why.
My mother's family was odd. My grandfather on that side was at least a little mean at times, supposedly was a dick as a farmboy kid. He went military, married a shy girl when he got out. My grandmother was never very odd, worked hard as far as I know, was moderately intelligent given education at the time. She reads books and they were catholic. They kept seperate beds. It's possibly my grandfather had almost no friends socially. He had two pensions and he was really easy to talk into a "deal" like an insurance policy or warrantee that did nothing. He worked and kept busy around the house all days every day. He was a little aggressive and bossy at times, and my mother implies he was mean and abusive but I'm still not clear on what that actually meant. It could be anything from horrible to her just being pissed he was such a dickbag when she was a kid stoner. My aunt on that side is very invested in fake social status, so I never got along with her as a kid. The aunt married into a relatively well off family.
My father's family was very angry and rage-filled when my dad was growing up. There's a lot of violence and drugs from his generation. Lots of involvement with the sketchiest people. Lots of football #######4, my grandfather was a coach. My grandmother on that side was always very nice to me, we got along great. She tried to hide from him for months at a time on vacation, because he was so angry. My uncle on that side developed huge drug problems and a narcisistic complex. It's also interesting that my female cousin (closest in age to me, just a year or two younger) gets talked down to by my grandfather. I only learned that recently. It's just sexist #######4, but it's there. That family always exagerates their stories, I think.
My mother and father met in highschool. Two year age gap. Her parents disapproved. Sent her away to college. He followed. Pregnant at 20. Married during the pregnancy I think? Divorced when I was 11. I know I was scared of my dad a lot. He used anger and threats. I met a lot of drug dealers and junkies as a kid. I was never comfortable around them, always suspicious. I don't think I was ever super abused, but it was a $#%^ life.
I was obviously "weird" as soon as I was in kindergarten. I had no interest in other kids. I got in trouble all the time for being violent and not doing my work. I couldn't eat anything but "plain" foods. Bologna and hot dogs. Vanilla ice cream. Ketchup bothered me. Kinda normal, but it was odd enough that my teachers had specific issues with just me. I got kicked out of school. Had some kind of wednesday night classes for problem kids. I was the quiet one there. I violently rejected some girl named sarah. They thought I was mentally challenged.
First grade I learned how to read and write. I was highly proficient and fast at it. That reminds me that I'm still successful at writing even now. Anyway, teacher was nicer to me. Grades improved. Still got in trouble (always always got in trouble).
Second grade I get put in the "advanced" class. 146 or something IQ. Whatever that was worth. Family is running a pizza restaurant that collapses under some drama.
Not to go into my life story, but I know I was late to discover anything sexual relatively speaking. 8th grade at the earliest. I kinda put myself in a weird place where I had decided to reject all interest in sex years ago, so I held myself to that through high school and college in spite of opportunities and interest to the contrary.
My best guess is that it's partially hereditary (brother with schizophrenia, family on both sides has issues, history of suicide I think) and partially to do with my weird/#######5/crazy home life. I may have felt rejected by my mom. That's one of those theories that seems plausible. I never had affection for my mother like children do.