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My mind wanders

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My mind wanders

Postby ForeverAwake » Thu Aug 28, 2014 8:11 am

So, for as long as I can remember (roughly the last 15 of my 30 years) I have experienced a vague want to see the world destroyed. When I was young there was overwhelming frustration at being consistently rejected socially and by family, never having a place within my surroundings, and a total lack of social identity. This led to a profound disconnect from not only my environment, but from reality, which I still feel to this day. I've read diary entries I wrote sparingly as a child (before I can currently remember), and all I see is pain, resentment and revenge fantasies that consumed my waking hours. After I dropped out of school was about the time my schizoid traits took over, and while the pain was still there, the rage was gone and all I felt and still feel is emptiness.

However my thought process has carried over remnants of the pain I felt as a child, and it pervades my mind like splinters behind my eyes. The little boy who wanted nothing more than to see the streets run red with the blood of his tormentors is still cowering in the corner of a vast, dark mind. I find myself engaging in dangerous activities and disregarding personal safety, or forming friendships with the unstable or socially unacceptable, merely laying in wait for an opportunity to get some hands-on release. I'm at a point where my schizoid traits are balancing my preschizoid traits, and I have enough impulse control to remain a passive observer of my world. But there is no satisfaction in this existence, and every day I will someone to shake me awake into a world where I have no chains around my hands. I have always desperately wanted to take a life, but something stops me from being an offender. I still, on some level, seek the acceptance of the world that has consistently rejected me, and the only way to achieve that is self-defense. So I wait.

Some call it homeostatis, the equilibrium of all things in perfect balance, but all I feel is crippling responsibility. The desire to take a life and the lack of motivation to do so. The longer I am in pain, denying myself what I've always wanted, the longer the world exists without the pain I could cause. So much cognitive dissonance, together with the emptiness, it's like listening to several monologues playing simultaneously without the overwhelming, gut-wrenching distress of torture. That I feel nothing is my one indulgence, and this is why the monologues will never stop. I've done everything I can to fit in, I exhaustingly wear several masks, put in every effort, I've studied the human condition academically and in the 'field', I've engaged and surrounded myself with them. All I see are people who take what they have for granted, and I find myself in a constant state of resentment because they could find it so easy and yet still they cut corners or can't be bothered. I still don't feel like one of them.

I have been considering talking to a professional within the last year or so, but I don't want my mind poisoned by chemicals, nor do I want to be incarcerated or held against my will. My main concern is that I will be reconnected with the boy I was before my memories begin, and that I will end up hating myself or realising that I deserved the rejection that caused me so much pain. Should that happen, I may end up actually connecting emotionally with the pain of my childhood which would be crippling and would almost certainly kill me. Or I may regress entirely which would combine the strength, resources and renewed ability of an adult with the rage, unpredictability and blinders of a hurt child with an axe to grind. Writing this now my head is light, I can't decide if that would be the excuse I've been looking for or a horror existence I should fear as purgatory inside my own mind. Would I become the one cowering in a dark corner, with no control over my body or future?

I have previously described life as the period of treading water between being thrown in the pool and the moment you drown. I've never attempted suicide, but it would be so easy to stop treading and let my wet clothes drag me down. Not sure why I'm writing this, other than to gauge reactions, a cry for help or maybe it's just a need to get my thoughts down. We'll see.
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Re: My mind wanders

Postby Aqua Ex Nive » Thu Aug 28, 2014 5:07 pm

why are so many people afraid of the dark? because they don't know what's lurking in there. you see some kind of shadow, and you will be painfully afraid as long as you don't know what it is.
there are things, powerful things, pain and fear, that won't go away, or get better without shedding light on them, looking at them, confronting them. they won't dissapear by looking away. you're right, it's probably very painful. but not forever. certainly not if it's a choice, and you're prepared. if you do it for *yourself*. to be closer to the person you want to be, that you could be.
that's why suicide seems like such a logical choice, you get the same result - the pain and fear go away, without the struggle. (which i personally am not conviced of. i'm not sure death is the end, and that thought really puts me off).
you can do a lot of it on your own, or try at least. there's no guarantee how far you'll get (in my case, not very, i've been meditating, contemplating, writing for years, but always fall in the same traps).
many, so many people talk to professionals every day about violent urges, about a lot of things you struggle with, without getting locked away. and i don't think they could medicate you without your consent (?). if you'd outright state "yeah, i'm gonna go and kill someone/myself", they might put you somewhere safe. but you have yourself under control, you don't need to be held back, you need help breaking thought patterns, that should be clear to anyone who knows what they're doing.
somehow changing your day-to-day life might be part of a solution, but since so much of what you struggle with seems to come from events in your early life, from being wronged, it seems to be essential to explore this. ideally, and that goes for everyone in a similar situation, we'd eventually, somewhere down the line, learn to accept or even forgive. that little boy you were talking about doesn't want to be shoved away, and it seems like he'll not let it happen. don't think of him as a danger, but as a means to understanding yourself. the pain and fear are there whether you ignore them or not, so don't, and give yourself a chance. you are very capable of understanding "right" from "wrong" and not give in to things that would hurt you or others, so don't be afraid to work with and for yourself.

all the best.


ps.: i wasn't trying to sound ominous on purpose, it just happens when i write "from the heart"...
"In one drop of water are found all the secrets of the oceans." ~Khalil Gibran
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Re: My mind wanders

Postby ganbaru » Thu Aug 28, 2014 5:43 pm

i echo aqua ex nive's words. when you let the estranged halves meet, there's a violent struggle within, but most of the time it's only within. for some people, externalizing that struggle is an automatic thing, but not for you. the rebellious child within won't stop being rebellious, so trying to keep it under control without trying to understanding it just fuels that latent rage against yourself, and by extension against everything and everyone you wouldn't want to harm or change

and, yes, rest assured that it's perfectly normal to be talking about violent thoughts in therapy. it's just the same as with suicidal thoughts. any competent therapist will be expecting it, and some will even take it as a breakthrough when a seemingly indifferent patient finally opens up about it. as long as there's no clear and imminent threat of criminal or suicidal acts, they not only don't have the obligation to break the confidentiality, but they actually don't have the legal right to do so. so the most important thing would be finding an ethical and competent professional

i don't think people often see the point or get what i mean when i use music and other forms of art for the sake of analogy and illustration, but to me this one seems relevant here: http://youtu.be/wVcOwVD4V30

art, btw, is a common tool used as therapy to treat serious emotional trauma (ptsd and other related issues). and it looks like, done right, art therapy actually works
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Re: My mind wanders

Postby muaddib » Fri Aug 29, 2014 9:13 am

The other posts so far have been great; I don't know if it will help but I can try adding a few more things.

ForeverAwake wrote:So, for as long as I can remember (roughly the last 15 of my 30 years) I have experienced a vague want to see the world destroyed.

I've always been conflicted about it, but I've tasted this before, in my own weird way. After my first breakdown, there were days when I would pace back and forth well into the night. Sometimes, I would close my eyes and imagine myself floating through a void, and God would tell me, "Snap your fingers and I will annihilate everything. I will leave you floating through this forever." (I think the seed of that idea came from reading Mark Twain's No. 44, The Mysterious Stranger). And I would stand there with my fingers together, part of me wanting it so much... and I never snapped them.

There's an obverse side to all this, and that's why despite all your anger and hurt, you have consistently refused to act on it. Even if you tell yourself that it's just fear, that's fear of losing something. There has to be something positive that's preserved you (and you're well aware that people only destroy themselves in the end when they act on vengeful ideas like these). Try spending some time understanding that positive instead of ruminating on the negative alone.

ForeverAwake wrote:When I was young there was overwhelming frustration at being consistently rejected socially and by family, never having a place within my surroundings, and a total lack of social identity.

The operative phrase being "I was young." You were dealt a bad hand, and there's nothing you could have done about that, especially when you're still just beginning to understand the basics of the world. I don't think my background's as discouraging as yours (which makes you more hardcore for enduring if you want to put a positive spin on it), but I often feel the same way. Like the other posters said, you are completely justified in being angry, and you'll have to confront that fact. But the question is what you'll do about it. And remember, if you were to destroy yourself, either alone or with others, the world would not go down with you. It might sigh for a second and say, "What a tragedy,", but after that, it will go right back to turning and uncaring.

I'll only throw out another possibility that I already brought up in a different thread, but it's honestly the purest and truest piece of advice I can think of for someone in your situation. Well-adjusted people raised in the loving embrace of a flock will probably tell you that you're not worthy to judge, and that you should forgive without the slightest desire or hope of justice. And perhaps they're even right on that count, but they don't have to deal with what you do. This advice on the other hand, doesn't make those assumptions:
Living well is the best vengeance.

ForeverAwake wrote:I've read diary entries I wrote sparingly as a child (before I can currently remember), and all I see is pain, resentment and revenge fantasies that consumed my waking hours.

It sounds like you've processed all these emotions for the most part, even if you haven't escaped them yet. I have a suggestion. If you feel up to it, maybe re-read all these entries one more time, looking for any positive sentiments between the lines, then processing those emotions. Once you've done that last round of research in your diaries... burn them all. Consign them to the holy fire, which tests and purifies all things. If you see nothing good anymore in the ideas and thoughts you had back then, all keeping the written expression of them will do is tempt you into continually going back to them to look for answers.

ForeverAwake wrote:After I dropped out of school was about the time my schizoid traits took over, and while the pain was still there, the rage was gone and all I felt and still feel is emptiness.

It's actually on a different forum for a different condition, but you might get something out of reading this post. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but it's well thought out and jives with my own experiences. The key might be neither to bury your anger nor unleash it in a suicidal tantrum. Use it like a laser to drill to the core, current cause of your suffering and figure out what you could do differently to build up a good life, even if your frustration isn't your fault.

ForeverAwake wrote:I've done everything I can to fit in, I exhaustingly wear several masks, put in every effort, I've studied the human condition academically and in the 'field', I've engaged and surrounded myself with them. All I see are people who take what they have for granted, and I find myself in a constant state of resentment because they could find it so easy and yet still they cut corners or can't be bothered. I still don't feel like one of them.

If it helps, I'm still in the same boat to some extent, but I can say that I have made improvements, mainly by throwing out automatic restrictions on what "fitting in" looks like. My entire adult life has been one long demolition of the concept society tried to give me of who "my people" are.

ForeverAwake wrote:I have been considering talking to a professional within the last year or so, but I don't want my mind poisoned by chemicals, nor do I want to be incarcerated or held against my will.

I'll only back up what everyone else has said, and that you should consider talking to someone. Here in the US, my understanding of the rules is that you cannot be reported or committed by your therapist unless you express a clear threat to harm yourself or someone else, or you admit to physical or sexual abuse of a child, a senior, or a disabled person. And I think the law is that you can't be forced to take psychiatric medication except by court order or if you've been committed to an institution. I sympathize completely with the nervousness about medication or institutionalization (even if lobotomies don't happen anymore). I'm thankful I've never had to go through either, but I've known people that had really bad experiences with both. At the same time, I've known people that had reached the ends of their ropes but were able to turn their lives around because of institutional help and the temporary stability of medication.
“Oh Freedom! You are a bad dream!” - Heinrich Heine
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Re: My mind wanders

Postby EmpathySucks » Fri Aug 29, 2014 3:09 pm

Don't let it wander too far. Things might get ugly if it goes past a loony bin or two..
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Re: My mind wanders

Postby ForeverAwake » Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:04 pm

Thank you for your time. I have definitely overanalysed myself by both intellectualising and abstracting, and of course always from the one perspective although that was not always my intent. Ultimately it appears to be the opinions/perspectives of others that give rise to clarity and following that, productive process. I realise that now the only way to progress is to share and gain an external image of my true self, something I have kept well hidden and well buried since what I consider to be my second birth. This kind of intimacy seems to first require the destruction of the mental walls I've built around myself, followed by a careful choice of audience. But I realise now this process must be done, as the sole catalyst for my isolation is now my identity as an entity without context, for which I am ultimately to blame.

Thanks again for your thoughts and time. This next little while is going to be... unpleasant.
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Re: My mind wanders

Postby ganbaru » Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:13 pm

well, keep posting!

best of luck
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