Is this schizoid?

I'm not normal. There is something wrong with me. I can't figure out what it is. Schizoid is the most recent, definitely most fitting diagnosis I've found that describes me in terms of fitting DSM and ICD criteria of it, but, as always, not quite right. Again, I fit the criteria as listed, but I find myself not relating fully to lots of posts and explanations about what people with Schizoid are.

This is me:
I prefer to be alone. I don't like most people. I don't hate them, I just don't like them. I have an extremely hard time opening up to anyone; only the past year of my life have I found someone with whom I am comfortable opening up with. I live with him now, and I love him as much as I've ever loved anyone. Outside of my head that is. I've loved a couple of people dearly in my head, but never really got to the point of having a relationship with them, and I had a thing for God at one point in my life. (Gotta say, loving God is pretty great...too bad it's all a fat lie.)
Most of my childhood, as best as I can recall, I think back and I never quite fit in. I had friends, but I dunno, I was a kid and they were rather meaningless. I was good at acting back then. I would act the way I knew I was supposed to, when I wanted to, in order to convey what I wanted to. I was kinda of a little narcissist. Puberty hits and I'm a loser. Highschool hits and I find a clique to fit in with. To this day they are the only friends I would say I have outside of family and my partner, but as life has carried on I hardly contact many of them. It was wonderful, I was very happy about it.
Start of university I got quite depressed and remained so for many years. I still have bad days, but I tried suicide at those points in time. Some point in there I realized that my family life and growing up was kind of...cold. My dad most likely has an ASD, my mom was overworked and stressed. I rarely, and I mean rarely, would go to my family for help or support. I didn't like doing it, and as I grew up I just didn't. There was a lot of yelling and anger.
Part of my depression I think is related to having had undiagnosed celiac disease. I got diagnosed with that 2 years ago, it's an autoimmune disorder that can, and quite evidently in me, has, damaged the nervous system.
I was married before my current relationship, to one of my highschool friends. It was good, he was kind, and we could have fun together. I entered into the relationship because he was the only person I really kept contact with, and we were spending a lot of time together. And we had a great sex life, in a sense at least. We aroused each other a fair bit, but I didn't enjoy making love to him. The afterglow of sex (all that oxytocin and stuff I gather) would actively make me feel distant from him. I felt only close to myself, this wonderful, amazing feeling of being close to something, to nothing...I don't know. But I did not want him to be with me then. When I was upset and emotionally volatile (which was quite often), I would not want him to touch me, and I don't know how he could comfort me.
But then I met my current partner online, I felt close to someone who I was actually interacting with. I couldn't turn it down.
It's been 5 months with him now, and I feel myself slipping, reverting to how I was in my marriage. Naturally distant. Just living with someone who is, if I really think about it, is an amazing person. Last night I broke down and told him how I was feeling...we strive to be open and honest in our relationship, for without that, then why would I want to be with a real person above something made up in my head?? And it sucked. I mean, I wasn't totally broken, but it wasn't good. At some point he rightfully feared that I didn't want to be with him. I mean, he asked me things like if I wanted to be with him, if I'd thought of leaving him, if there was anyone else who I'd prefer to be with. Yes, I've considered not being with him. I have to. I know I'm not maximally happy, and he and I both want that for myself. No, there is no one else who would be better for me. Like, neither of us are stupid enough to believe in soulmates, but the way we fit and work together. And the way I've felt for him when we first started dating...

That leads to a big thing. A HUGE thing for me. I rarely, rarely automatically feel emotions when interacting with people. I can when I'm alone. I can when I'm alone and choosing to interact with someone online. Like, I don't think I'd have been able to fall in love with my current partner if we'd been together in person. And I hate, detest, can't stand that this problem of mine, this lack of emotional connectivity pervades my relationship with him, that it pervades how I am with him in person. We are growing more comfortable as we moved in together, and I'm the love of his life.
I'm not uncomfortable with him though, that's not the same thing. I would never, ever be with someone who I'm not comfortable with. Like, I was super comfortable with my husband for the most part. As long as I kept to myself the deepest parts of me.

Argh, I read the Wikipedia entry for schizoid disorder and so many things in it make sense to me. And how my partner at one point broke through to me. But it's hard. He so easily and readily just knows me loves me all the time even when he's not, at that moment, feeling super strong deep love for me. But when I'm like that I question whether or not I even love him.
If it's not him, I just...don't have anyone.

Part of me thinks that if I could actually feel emotions with people reliably, they would flood me and overwhelm me. But I automatically don't let them, for the most part.

I don't want to ###$ up my relationship. I'm sick of my auto-pilot self being detached. I don't want it, and I don't want to hurt him. Geez, I've never, ever wanted kids before in my life, I fear that I would not love them, but with him, even though it's not at all something in our plans for very good reasons, but with him, I've wanted them. Being with him is honestly this unexpected, new experience that I didn't think existed. I mean, without that experience certainly wouldn't be here right now questioning my sanity/mentality/personality in this way. I'm sure I've read what schizoid personality disorder is dozens of times in my life and felt it didn't fit me because at many points in my life I'd have a sort of narcissism and gregariousness.

Thanks to anyone who reads and responds in advance.

Last time I tried going to a psych I felt horrid and nothing of import was done. I am extremely hesitant to bring up the possibility of SPD because, as far as I've read, there's nothing to be done for it.

I think we're trying to move all these discussions to a single thread, but I'll reply here. And remember you shouldn't assume anything without seeing a professional, even if you felt it was unproductive last time. Everything I write is just the opinion of a guy on the internet that may have some perspective.

I like to remember that whatever diagnosis a professional actually gives you, it's just a label they use to keep track of symptoms that tend to cluster together. It doesn't define you, describe most of who you are, or automatically explain why you're the way you are. Also, I think you'll find, at least in all the personality disorder forums, that most people like some aspects of themselves that are linked to the symptoms.

It's good to use the diagnosis as a starting point for research and introspection, but after that, you'll want to start asking yourself specifically what you want to work on, what you want to change, and what you want to keep. And no, you aren't going to transform into a drastically different person, but it isn't impossible to slowly whittle down the traits you don't like in yourself. Now with that said, a few things stuck out in your post:

Acinorev wrote:I would act the way I knew I was supposed to, when I wanted to, in order to convey what I wanted to. I was kinda of a little narcissist.

Acinorev wrote:Start of university I got quite depressed and remained so for many years. I still have bad days, but I tried suicide at those points in time.

Acinorev wrote:It was good, he was kind, and we could have fun together.... And we had a great sex life, in a sense at least.... The afterglow of sex (all that oxytocin and stuff I gather) would actively make me feel distant from him. I felt only close to myself, this wonderful, amazing feeling of being close to something, to nothing.... When I was upset and emotionally volatile (which was quite often), I would not want him to touch me, and I don't know how he could comfort me.

Acinorev wrote:It's been 5 months with him now, and I feel myself slipping, reverting to how I was in my marriage.... Just living with someone who is, if I really think about it, is an amazing person. Last night I broke down and told him how I was feeling... for without that, then why would I want to be with a real person above something made up in my head??.. I know I'm not maximally happy, and he and I both want that for myself. No, there is no one else who would be better for me.... And the way I've felt for him when we first started dating...

I noticed a couple other things, but I don't want to quote it all. Just my opinion, but you describe a willingness to play social games, pleasure-seeking (come to think of it, "fun" really isn't a word that comes up around here much ), emotional volatility, an intense desire for closeness, and a rapidly shifting opinion of people. None of those things sound like what you usually see in schizoid PD.

Have you ever read about Borderline PD? While the stereotype of BPD is usually a very brash extrovert, neither of those qualities is a symptom of the condition. What defines it is instability in emotions, relationships, and perceptions of yourself and others. In more of an introvert, instead of acting out, it can take the form of suddenly cutting off people and running away from situations. Since it's also primarily related to how unstable you are (cluster B) independently of how odd you are (cluster A like schizoid), it's possible to have noticeable features of both.

I most definitely do not have borderline personality disorder. Having emotions within myself is not the same thing as enjoying other people's company. Nor is doing things the same as enjoying things.
The fact that I have let 2 people into my personal life, and will do activities with them, does not negate how I am with everyone else.

Having been sick for quite awhile, I needed people in my life to help me look after myself. I have a sense of self-preservation, and I know what I need to do and how to act in order to maintain a minimal relationship with people like my parents.

Tell me this, what happens when someone with schizoid personality disorder DOES let people in? And why do they NOT let people in in the first place? Interaction is still interaction.

As a fairly young kid, younger than 8 for sure, I learned that the only way I could control my emotional reaction to things was to not have the emotional reaction itself. It's innate to me, I don't know I'm doing it, I just know that I generally don't emotionally react to things that plenty of other people do. When I do in fact get bothered by something, it's usually coupled by internal surprise. When I ended my marriage I felt no guilt, shame or remorse.

Online I am not necessarily the same. It doesn't count as "being with someone" for the sake of what I was saying. It's an interaction of words and ideas also, at least how I choose to interact the majority of the time.

^Ok, I understand. I've never been in a relationship that started online so I can't really tell you anything about that. I think several people here met close friends and partners online though so you might get better responses by starting a thread specifically for that (there might be one already, and if there isn't, there should be).

My one diagnosis was for schizotypal/paranoid features, but for a few reasons in addition to self-identification I have my suspicions that I have some borderline stuff going on. My one therapist regularly pointed out that I had a tendency to "split" a lot, that I would rapidly assume the few people I was close to had abandoned me or suddenly become very positive about them again, and that I learned a very distorted model of relationships growing up, plus we did a lot of exercises that AFAIK are much more common for patients with BPD than StPD.

That's why I suggested reading into BPD. My aloof side alone can sympathize with some of the things you mentioned like not fitting in, being "meh" about most people, and not liking to depend on others, but everything else in your post that made sense to me was speaking to my stormier side. I definitely look like a schizotypal person in several ways, but if you dig a little deeper, a lot of those traits formed as an attempt to control some really intense emotions and strong attachments that would suddenly get ripped apart. I definitely can't speak for everyone on this, but it seems like many of the posters here came to their more schizoid tendencies by one of two routes: either they were never that emotional or interested in others from a very young age, or they would have intense emotions that they learned to repress just to keep from exploding.

That's just one more reason you really have to work with a professional on a regular basis to get an answer. All we can do is listen, sympathize, throw out ideas to research, and just chew the fat. Best wishes though, whatever you decide in your relationship. My personal relationship advice (not at all psychological) is that if you know you have something good, work as hard as you can at keeping it. Laters

No, you do make sense, having read more into it and thought about it more. I still don't think I fit BPD because I do not act-out the push/pull I feel towards others, but rather imagine and feel it internally. And I do not fear being abandoned; if I have someone to love me, then I can accept that. But for some reason, that doesn't necessarily mean anything to me. I left my husband because I wanted to feel for someone what he felt for me.
There's definitely a stormy side to me, and your description of repression seems to fit well. Things like anger, for instance, when I have it, is pretty explosive. And I really, really like strong emotions.

I desperately want to hold onto my partner. I'm just unsure how to do that. Being completely myself means being selfish, lazy, self-centered and unsharing. Being too much otherwise is being insincere. I *want* to be able to share my internal self without having to distance myself to do so.

When he's around I'm less likely to be able to get caught up internally with my own swirling thoughts and emotions, and if I do get caught up in them, I have a really hard time describing them. If I'm not caught up internally I find the external boring so much of the time. And no wonder, I don't choose to participate in much.

He's so caring and understanding and so perfect for me; he has his own personal demons but it just means he is accepting of mine. I mean, if I want a lifelong partner, he's the one. If I left him it'd only be to be alone or jump from relationship to relationship.

For the record, I'm absolutely, definitely not schizotypal. :-p

Couldn't be bovered to read through your op and skimmed through, but why would you jump from relationship to relationship? Maybe you should try being alone? You said your slipping away from your bf, this is a bad sign for a normal person, never mind a schizoid.

Have you saw this test? schizoid-personality/topic74859.html

I got 23 on the test. I didn't think a lot of the questions were good representations of what it was asking though. Eg: I know how my friends live but they don't know how I live. If they don't know how I Iive, they're not a friend they're an acquaintance, so for instance I missed a point there.

No $#%^ it's a bad thing.

-- Sat Aug 16, 2014 2:20 pm --

Dazz wrote:Couldn't be bovered to read through your op and skimmed through, but why would you jump from relationship to relationship? Maybe you should try being alone?

Why is a relationship supposed to be permanent? Because there's an initial high with a relationship and as you grow to learn who the person is, the feeling generally subsides anyways, and also there becomes a lot less to learn about the other person, and it becomes mundane.

Acinorev wrote:Why is a relationship supposed to be permanent?

It isn't, I don't believe in permanent romantic love (I'm not sure about love in general), however jumping from person to person seems to be a waste of time for a meaningless result and it could be harmful to you in the long run.

Try being alone to discover youself more instead of somebody else. I'm narcissistic (not npd), I don't see why anybody with self-worth would jump from person to person into an actual relationship when they have themselves, unless they were exploiting the person.

Dazz wrote:

Acinorev wrote:Why is a relationship supposed to be permanent?

It isn't, I don't believe in permanent romantic love (I'm not sure about love in general), however jumping from person to person seems to be a waste of time for a meaningless result and it could be harmful to you in the long run.

Try being alone to discover youself more instead of somebody else. I'm narcissistic (not npd), I don't see why anybody with self-worth would jump from person to person into an actual relationship when they have themselves, unless they were exploiting the person.

You don't make sense to me. You say that you don't believe in permanent love, and then in your next paragraph you once again act like a relationship is supposed to be permanent. How is a short-term relationship exploitive while a long-term one isn't??