2 people, 2 poems

Not long ago I was looking through some old school annuals and was surprised to find two poem's which I and one of my best friend's at that time had written. I had completely forgotten about them.
Upon starting a school year when we were 12, our new teacher had asked the whole class to each write a poem about ourselves. It was an excellent way for her to gain some insight and knowledge about her new students I guess.

My friend's -

I'm small,
But I try to think big.
I laugh,
But really I'm hurt.
I'm blond,
But have a dark side.
I joke,
But I'm quite serious.
I'm not
Anyone but me.

This was excellent, he described himself perfectly. He really had a strong sense of self. Reading this brought back detailed memories of him.


Mine -

Sometimes I wonder about myself
And about who I really am.
I don't really know much about myself
And I don't know if I can.

I would like to know who I am
And get it all straight
Maybe I'm not supposed to yet
Maybe I have to wait.

What really struck me was the total contrast between the two, mine was completely different. I had no strong feelings, thoughts or insight into myself except to the fact that I had none. I can still recall finding this task extremely difficult hense my poem/cop out.

The thing is I don't know if all these years later I could do much better, I still feel as though I'm waiting.

I think its nice solitaire that you kept those old school annuals,something to look back on,only you could say whether it was with fondness.
myself personally only possess some certificates,which are average exam results,heaven knows why i have kept them.
I suppose if i was asked to reflect on my school days and write an essay about them would only need a postage stamp.
On the back would write one word,yeh you have guessed it,it would be a naughty one.


In the uk they are encouraging the prison population to write poetry,some even have there works published,could we blame the over crowding inside prisons on poetry,i think not.
I wonder if there are any spds in jail who visit this forum,perhaps one of the brighter members might fancy writing a post,sorry but my name not included there ha ha.
You mentioned in your post about your friends poem and included it here,do you still have contact with them.
Or did you do what most other schizoids might do,and lose them in a busy shopping complex,mind you people use to give me the slip.
The worse culprits were childrens mothers,i could call for every kid in the neighbourhood,two hours later ild still be playing on my own.
So i started buying toy soldiers,i had more battalions then the british army,my older brother used to cut there heads off or melt them when i was not there.
Like they say lifes a bitch.

Being schizoid includes having no sense of self. I personally cannot say if I have a good or bad self image, or a strong or a weak self-esteem, because it seems I do not (and cannot) think in those terms at all. In fact if I tend to feel like I have a low self-esteem, I usually notice that I am in a very "unschizoid" phase and have access to my emotions.

I seem to not have any opinion of myself at all. I cannot say who I am. I can say that I have SPD and act so and so, but I don't really feel like I have a self image at all.

Also, having no sense of self is not the same as having a bad sense of self (ie: thinking that you suck). It's simply as if you didn't quite have a subjectivity at all.

Peptron wrote:Being schizoid includes having no sense of self.

Interesting. I didn't know that.

I seem to not have any opinion of myself at all. I cannot say who I am. I can say that I have SPD and act so and so, but I don't really feel like I have a self image at all.

Same here. I feel like I have no identity, whereas everyone else does.

Black Dove wrote:

Peptron wrote:Being schizoid includes having no sense of self.

Interesting. I didn't know that.

In fact having no sense of self is more linked to having little emotions. Whatever problem that leads you to lose your emotions will also make you lose your sense of self. Like depersonalization, the type of depression that makes you lose your emotions, alexithymia, etc.
The entire "loss of self" or "having no self" or "no sense of self" is actually common in documentation about schizoidism. I seen it mentioned a few times in this forum. There seems to even be a book that is partially about this very problem (The matrix of the brain) and I commented a review here (but I didn't actually read the book). And they explained how you NEED emotions to have an identity and a sense of self, as well as to be able to enjoy life at all.

Black Dove wrote:

Peptron wrote:I seem to not have any opinion of myself at all. I cannot say who I am. I can say that I have SPD and act so and so, but I don't really feel like I have a self image at all.

Same here. I feel like I have no identity, whereas everyone else does.

I also feel like I have no identity. But I feel like I can connect to a weird negative self image when I feel emotional or depressed. But the more "schizoid" I feel, the less I feel like I have an identity. As if I was a completely objective entity, the perfect observer without any actual subjectivity.

Mel - it was my parents who kept them and no, I have no contact with that person, by the end of school I was pretty much on my own. He ended up becoming a bore, a person who could talk non-stop about nothing. Whether he was like this when he was younger I couldn't say.

Peptron said -

I don't really feel like I have a self image at all.

I can relate to that.

I didn't actually know what was meant by 'self image'.. had to look it up. I don't have an opinion of myself, I'm just as neutral to me as to others. Confusing topic to me..

"We have a mental image of our physical appearance."

From a health site.. That concept is alien to me. I don't consider my body to be anything but a shell, so I sure as hell can't form a self image that way.