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Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

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Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby SerialCode0 » Wed Jul 03, 2013 8:47 pm

I've been reading these forums for quite a while but only now I decided to join.

I've developed a strong interest in personality disorders and, in particular, in SPD because of how much I can relate to it. I do not have an official diagnosis nor I believe I got it because of my reasons, but I know for sure that I developed this kind of personality "afterwards".

I remember being outgoing when I was a kid, entertaining some friendship while trying to understand the mechanisms behind relationships in general. I wasn't so asocial or unemotional as I am right now. I also remember seeing the people around me crying for the loss of their friends or family members or suffering because of relationships went bad or betrayals. I didn't have the chance to get "tested", as I guess I was enough "lucky" for such things to never happen to me, but I decided I would have been "strong" in case such event ever happened. I decided that I wouldn't have cried and would have carried on immediatly after; I decided that I would have kept my rationality and ability to reason and carry on through life no matter what $#%^ would have been thrown at me. In other words, I realized how much dangerous relationships can be through others's experience and decided that I wouldn't have made the same mistakes as others.

During this transition period, I modified some aspects of my life radically; not opening to others and keeping to myself unevitably made any relationship boring and not even worth being cultivated and made it impossible for me to feel affection for anyone; the existent relationships with family members or "friends" started to become dull and, since I started to become more observant, I also started noticing many negative aspects of people and developed a very cynical view of the world that enforced even more this convinction of mine, leading me to live a strictly solitary lifestyle and developing a "schizoidish" personality.

The wikipedia page for SPD currently describes my personality for a good 90% but, as any other disorder, in order to be classified as one, it has to severely impair my life. I do acknowledge that this change brought in some anhedonia(let's even say a lot) but I must say that I'm overall satisfied and content(I managed to find the things that keep me enough entertained), taking into account the positive side of having no emotions.

However, I realize that the process involved in this change is the suppression of my emotions. I wasn't unemotional or unaffectionate in the beginning but I strenghtened myself to the point of being unaffected by "sad" events. I spent entire days wondering what I would have done if my parents died or if my "friends" betrayed me and I also tested my resolve by mercilessly killing some animal or by doing things that are considered cruel or "cold" by ordinary people in order to see how far I could get. I don't know if this can be really called "suppressing" emotions, as I think I still have them but just got more resistant to the negative ones, turning them into neutral. On the other side, it has also become extremely difficult for me to try and get affectionate to another individual or pet, since it's no longer that rewarding so really, I don't know.

Getting to you now, I wanted to know if you were unemotional since the beginning or if you became that way because of suppressing your emotions; were you uninterested and unaffected by relationships since the start or did you kill(or, if you can't relate much to this term, did you get more resistant to) your emotions at some point in life? In the second case, what drove you to change? Are you content(I consider contentness as the lowest level of "happiness", whatever it currently means)?
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby ApathySchizoid » Thu Jul 04, 2013 1:15 am

I wanted to know if you were unemotional since the beginning or if you became that way because of suppressing your emotions;

For me I wasn't completely unemotional at the beginning. I noticed at a young age that I had a lower capacity for emotion compared to the other kids, but I did have emotion mine were just more inward.

were you uninterested and unaffected by relationships since the start or did you kill(or, if you can't relate much to this term, did you get more resistant to) your emotions at some point in life? In the second case, what drove you to change? Are you content(I consider contentness as the lowest level of "happiness", whatever it currently means)?


For relationships, at the beginning I only wanted friends for school so I wouldn't be perceived as the weird guy always sitting alone, I didn't want any friends outside of school but thats the way it works I guess. After a while, like you, I started to see the undesirable side of people and my emotions disappeared. I dont know if the emotions all vanished at once or if they dissolved over time, but they're mostly gone now.

At the moment generally im not content I'm just existing. If you mean content with a Schizoid Personality, then yes.
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby Mrfeathers » Thu Jul 04, 2013 2:14 am

SerialCode0 wrote:Getting to you now, I wanted to know if you were unemotional since the beginning or if you became that way because of suppressing your emotions;


I wasn't born the way I am, but I think I was born with a sort of 'destiny' to become this way. I have made many choices to be indifferent because during indifference it's easier to be objective and when you're objective you can think your decisions through. I do wander why I found being this way attractive, surely I was born with some sort of predisposition, or perhaps it was my environment.

SerialCode0 wrote: were you uninterested and unaffected by relationships since the start or did you kill(or, if you can't relate much to this term, did you get more resistant to) your emotions at some point in life? In the second case, what drove you to change? Are you content(I consider contentness as the lowest level of "happiness", whatever it currently means)?

I think I've never been interested in people very much and by extension made choices to isolate myself from them. I did used to crave relationships but I think it was the fantasy I had conjured up, because actual relationships were horrible. I love being alone, I haven't fully decided where I stand on romanic relationships, for now I maintain I'm open to it if I can find a suitable woman.
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby Ryo » Thu Jul 04, 2013 8:05 am

SerialCode0 wrote:Getting to you now, I wanted to know if you were unemotional since the beginning or if you became that way because of suppressing your emotions;

I was sensitive in my childhood.

SerialCode0 wrote:were you uninterested and unaffected by relationships since the start or did you kill(or, if you can't relate much to this term, did you get more resistant to) your emotions at some point in life? In the second case, what drove you to change?

I was very interested in relationships and had every time a "ideal picture" of the other person in my head, so I was often really disappointed, when I realized some aspects of the real person behind my picture (remember I was sensitive), this happened often with a lot important people in important and unimportant situations. I don't know exactly when the change happened, but I think it had to do with me realizing this behavior of idealizing the other person and when I started to try seeing the real person behind the image (and realizing that it isn't possible or at least very, very difficult), of course there could be a lot of other aspects that caused my resistance to emotions.
SerialCode0 wrote: Are you content(I consider contentness as the lowest level of "happiness", whatever it currently means)?

I think it is better than being too sensitive. I am not sure if I am content about it.
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby shailene » Thu Jul 04, 2013 10:24 am

I don't remember ever being easily excited, as an infant I only cried when I was hungry or in pain, as a small child I'd usually prefer drawing or playing alone, etc... I never saw the appeal of playing games, and kept waiting for the other kids to grow out of this, which of course never happened (and never will). I never felt a strong emotional connection to my mother, she was just my main "safe person".

I've never made the conscious effort to avoid emotions, or connections with other people... But I've never felt that profound connection to people since I lost contact with my best friend when I was around 10 years old, and my grandfather died a year later. I mourned both losses for a few years, I think mostly because I just couldn't seem to connect with people anymore, so I was left feeling extremely lonely. The reason I lost this friend was probably my increasing inability to express how I felt, giving the impression that I didn't care about our friendship. I'm not sure whether my inability to connect caused my social anxiety, or whether my anxiety kept me from connecting with people, either way it started around this age.

Since then, "friends" have come and gone, and I haven't really cared much. I never really loved them, it was more that I just didn't want to be all alone. I've also been feeling increasingly uncomfortable and numb around my family members since around this age. And of course, my ability to get excited about things hasn't exactly increased over the years.

I DO experience emotions, just not about other people. In relation to people, I only feel discomfort, anxiety, and my self-esteem going up or down according to how they feel about me. It's not that I don't have feelings, I just don't get those feelings about other people, they always revolve around me and my self-esteem. How others make me feel, about me. If they're obviously very fond of me, I might hang around them on occasion because they make me feel good about myself, not because I have "loving" feelings towards them. So I guess in that way, I'm extremely egocentric, without being a narcissist in any way.

My bouts of depression have probably come more from a wish of just being normal, and losing hope that this would ever happen, than anything else. At least since the age of 16 or so. I'm not lonely anymore... I guess this could be a defense mechanism, though I'm not really sure that I care... I'm more content now than I was, so why would I want to go back to feeling like that? The main thing I'd like to improve is my self-esteem and "sense of self", maybe that would make me more inclined to be social, or maybe it would make me even more of a recluse because I don't need positive attention from others to feel good about myself. I have no idea.
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby LanaDelRey » Thu Jul 04, 2013 11:36 am

Well...
I don't experience a lot of emotions at all. I just experience fear of people.
But probably that's because of we have DID. The original personality doesn't have any feelings and there are some EPs (Emotional Personalities) like me who have to cope with the situations they can't deal with due to trauma... So I have to handle with fear, that s*cks.
Oh, sometimes I wish I was a normal person in a normal body, which I can control 100% of my life, even if I still had SPD, but at least I could feel more than... just fear.
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby archigallus » Thu Jul 04, 2013 11:55 am

I was evaluated by a psychologist before starting school. I've been told that he said that I always would be a lone wolf. (literal translation).

My mother has said that I always was angry as a child, but I think she is exaggerating. I do know that I had anger issues in my youth. It's strange because when I'm not angry I'm not really able to imagine being it, and I know that when I've been angry I have had equal trouble imagine not being angry.

So am I suppressing anger? I suppose that is possible, still it doesn't feel that way.

As for other feelings, I have them, but they do seem weak and shallow.
They come and go, leaving no trace.
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby Noidea_ » Thu Jul 04, 2013 1:11 pm

I honestly don't know the difference between being unemotional and suppressing emotions. Does one even exist? I'd think the suppressing component isn't really consciuous (for me atleast). Sometimes I feel extreme emotions, most of the time I feel nothing.
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby archigallus » Thu Jul 04, 2013 1:34 pm

Noidea_ wrote:I honestly don't know the difference between being unemotional and suppressing emotions. Does one even exist? I'd think the suppressing component isn't really consciuous


Yes, but I still think the difference exist. During what my neurologist tells me was a migraine related episode, I was emotionless on a completely different level from what I usually am. I imagine some people to perpetually exist in a state of that nature.
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Re: Unemotional or suppressing emotions?

Postby SerialCode0 » Thu Jul 04, 2013 1:40 pm

Noidea_ wrote:I honestly don't know the difference between being unemotional and suppressing emotions. Does one even exist? I'd think the suppressing component isn't really consciuous (for me atleast). Sometimes I feel extreme emotions, most of the time I feel nothing.

I've been wondering about that as well; whether you killed your emotions or never had them, the end result seems to be the same, probably with the difference that the former has the potential to get them back... maybe...

@archigallus
That kind of "unemotionality" seems to be more of physical/biological nature rather than psychological... if you get what I mean. For example, when you get vertigos or your head spins, you might "feel" a bit out of the world and you can't get to care about what's going on. Probably the same effect can be reached through drugs.
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