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no hope

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no hope

Postby il78skck » Fri Sep 20, 2013 12:15 am

I have a talent, and i'm going to school and have children. But I have had a really hard time. I do not leave my place of residence (agoraphobic) and i have one friend. It sounds like I have a lot going for me. But i had an addiction to facebook and the "likes" "comments" every day validation. Sure people would comment and like once in a while. But i feel like my page was constantly attention seeking and negative. A lot of people kept saying I was "nothing but drama" and realized the more people kept saying it, maybe half of it could have been true. People from middle school would message me "hate mail" from old feelings, OLD fights, etc. I've gone to to the police even, a few times because someof it was literally violent threats. I am also hypoglycemic and I've been feeling a "seizure" about to happen. Everybody, including family has been using such hatred filled words that the stress and anxiety of it all makes me just sit on my couch in the dark, glued to my computer screen, just waiting for someone to say something to brighten my day. No one really understands what's happening with me, nobody seems to want to take a minute to try to say the right thing to me, then I tried to "go to the gym" or "take walks" anything but it just doesnt make a difference. Honestly ive been feeling so empty, that I watched this newscast of an 18 year old male kill himself on a web site and felt "jealousy." I'm like a ticking time bomb, like I'm either going to lose it and explode at someone like a lunatic or do something irrational and harmful... I've gone to psyche hospitals, and all those places do is tie me down and inject me with needles if I ask to speak to someone for "guidance." I feel like this whole world is "sick of me." That they've "heard enough about my problems." Even my old therapist seemed uninterested in my problems. I don't really have anybody to turn to. I don't know how to "find friends" at 26 year old. I feel very afraid that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I was living in a "sober house" last year when i was pregnant and the girls upon meeting me turned on me and ganged up on me calling me names, being nasty and stuck up and they did not even know my name. I had an abortion and havent gone to therapy or been on meds since. The meds made me dizzy and confused. And doctors have tried everything. I dont know. And I am at my worst weight again and another part of my illness is I think being skinny is more important than being happy. I am overweight. I am lazy. Doing nothing, no friends, all of my family is literally out of my life "disowned me" and im just watching the days go by and nothing gets better.
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Re: no hope

Postby skitzNgravy » Sun Oct 06, 2013 11:11 am

Sometimes that's all you can do is take it day by day. Eventually you'll get in a euphoric state and probably get lost in your talent.

Which is something.

I always say: it's not worth ending myself cause something might really make me laugh or feel wonderful in some way if only for a moment. So... why lose that just cause the rest of life sucks.

I had online drama... facebook and twitter. I went full on paranoid schizophrenic while using social networking sites a lot. Bad results.

Just gotta stay away from it.

It's hard cause the world is sucked in the matrix so you go and try to make friends there, but it's just not compatible for people with our type of brains (schizoaffective).

Twitter is: promotions, jokes/comedians, night life, and narcissism. If you DO want to go out, they can probably get you the right flyer...

Facebook: I'm Catholic (not pushing anything) and I stopped all social media for lent last year. After doing that is when I decided to close my Facebook. It was one thing when all kinds of people were attacking me, or when I was just lost in it putting up whatever I wanted, but after not being on there for a while I saw how people were. Putting up their "bold" statements waiting to be patted on the back. Real rebels. People trying to promote themselves who should be on Twitter (or whatever's hip for the hipsters nowadays, cause it can't be Twitter anymore... I hear their bringing back myspace :mrgreen: lol) and pictures of peoples kids... or their food... I think the main problem I have with it is it gives out too much information and is way too easily accessible. Not to mention all the photos. I mean when you get freaked out and feel scared and vulnerable the last thing you want is your full name and a million photos of you available from a google search away. My crazy ex-gf would obsess over me and start asking me questions about videos and things people put online that I didn't know were online. Not to mention strangers getting in arguments/etc. with me and then they start talking about my photos and etc. etc.


I suppose there's times to go to police but in my experience they do NOT understand mental illness. I can't say as if I've ever had a cop help me. Some of the female cops I've dealt with have been cool, male cops (I'm male) tend to get aggro for seriously no reason. They have such a control complex.


Anyway, I can't see someone say "no hope" with no replies and not try to say something. Of course, I think this is part of my disease honestly. When I get hopeless I try to make other people feel better. Pretend I'm not hopeless my damn self. But yeah, I relate a LOT to what you said and you definitely aren't alone.

Try to find that thing that's gonna make you laugh... laugh til' you cry and just get it all out one way or the other (whether laughing or crying).
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Re: no hope

Postby il78skck » Tue Mar 25, 2014 3:47 am

Thank you i know it's been a while since a post, lol... but im actually still feeling the same. no better no worse. I graduated top of class and got offered internships but have procrastinated for many months letting the depression wipe me out all they need is a resume. My isolations gotten a little out of hand... I have really bad social anxiety issues now. I still write music, I started believing in a religion and I really do think that's my only drive to wake up right now. I have two kids, but I don't have custody from my "mental health" problems. (suicide attempts) I tried to reach out to Scattering CJ's mom and she wrote back telling me I'm worth it. It's weird I feel like all the people who pushed me to care about life are the same ones that turned on me to make me feel this way. I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer, but I'm just stuck. I'm ready to hire friends lol Its a bad feeling not having people to call the one person I talk to is in rehab now. So yeah, more... distance. I do watch TV and now I'm lost in this isolated house. Its better than being strung out and homeless but to feel paralyzed for so long... with no goals... ugh I'm driving myself crazy...
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Re: no hope

Postby Cheze2 » Thu Mar 27, 2014 12:54 pm

Sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. it can be really difficult to make new friends, especially when you're already feeling depressed so reaching out to them and making the effort to start a meaningful relationship is even more difficult.

If you could change one thing in your life right now, what would it be? Just one thing.
Bipolar I with Psychotic features; Borderline Personality disorder; GAD
Today's cocktail is: Quetiapine 100mg; Latuda 40mg; Trilafon: 8mg
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