You're not a monster. You did something wrong, and you feel genuine remorse -- you wouldn't do it again.
sprock wrote:Do you know that your sister would hate you or do you think it is possible she would have compassion for your younger self?
I agree.
When I was 15-16, I did the same thing to my step-sister; I fondled her while she slept. She woke up the second time, caught me in the act. We never spoke of it the rest of the time we lived together.
Our parents got divorced and I carried this around with me my whole life. Myself, I was sexually abused my father when I was around 5 years old. I remember. I've been dissociative, depressed, and suffer from Complex PTSD for this sexual abuse on top of other childhood abuses/neglect/trauma. It was bad.
This doesn't excuse what I did, just gives it some context.
Redemption and atonement was the most important thing to me. I am a warrior in my heart, a force for good, and I knew I could redeem my honor.
I almost killed myself several times.
Finally, after seeing my (now ex-) step-sister years later, I brought it up. I "confronted" the person I abused because I needed to do everything I could to prove to myself, the world, and her, that I was not the person who did that terrible thing. It was a thing I did -- a mistake I made -- not the person I AM.
I opened my heart to her and asked forgiveness. She had the softest, kindest eyes. She saw how much pain I was in, how truly remorseful I was. She forgave and it saved my life.
I still kept this secret of what I did and the confrontation from my older sister (and best friend) for another 10 years. Even though It'd been 20 years since that terrible thing I did, I still held it my heart. My sister is an abuse and rape survivor herself with a degree in Feminist Philosophy. I knew telling her would break her heart, that I'd lose my best friend and the respect of the person I love most in this world.
I month ago the depression was the worst ever. Almost killed myself again. I was remembering my own abuse, getting back memories. No one in the family knew about my own abuse by our father.
I couldn't take it any more, so I went over to my sister's house and told her everything. About our father sexually abusing me. About me fondling our step-sister in her sleep when I was a kid. About my lifelong struggle with depression and suicide.
Her heart broke all right. Not because of what I did -- because of how much pain I was in. She knew it was a mistake I made 20 years ago. She knew our father was a piece of work, she just didn't realize the depths. She hugged me, told me she loved me, and that I was still the humblest, greatest man she knows. Telling her was the best thing I've ever done. It removed the stone that had been sitting in my chest for the last 20 years.
I am a warrior. I will die to protect others from the abuse forced on me. I was an abused kid trapped in a terrible, traumatic house. It's no surprise I made some bad mistakes.
I'm not saying you should tell your sister. But I am saying to trust your genuine feelings of remorse.
It was a mistake you made -- it's not the person you are. The healing comes from realizing that.