Touched someone who was asleep.consant self hate as an adult

7 years ago (i think), I touched my nephew's penis when he was asleep next to me. I also remember putting his hand on mine. I'm sure it was the same night as far as I remember. I was around 14 and he was about 8. I never had any sexual feelings towards him. I never coerced, bribed, manipulated, planned anything moderately sexual or malicious. I think I did it cos I was discovering my sexuality and saw it as an opportunity. I consider him my lil brother cos we grew up together mostly in the same house hence the reason we shared a bed!. I feel terrible for the past few years thinking I molested him and I don't deserve any happiness. The remorse comes and goes. It can go weeks without thinking about it and then something about child molesters or pedophilia comes on tv or something and it triggers me. I then go on this self punishment cascade and tell myself all these awful things and can't get a moment's peace from my thoughts. They pop up when I'm about to enjoy myself and I remind myself of the horrible thing I've done and that I don't deserve happiness. I tell myself I'm a creep and a rotten soul. It's bad enough i have Depression and General Anxiety Disorder but I also have OCD. I take meds which greatly help but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm carrying a major secret about a terrible awful thing that I've done. I feel like if my sister found out what I did she'd hate me and everyone would call me a molester forever and hate my guts. I'm terrified of being hated.

I think it is something to feel regret over, but not constant self-hate. Obviously an 8-year-old cannot consent and neither can a sleeping person. Whether your intent was sexual or not, it was wrong.

However, you were still a child yourself and fortunately it is quite possible that your nephew had no conscious experience of what you did.

A certain amount of guilt is healthy and not something to resist. It is okay to sometimes not feel okay about something you have done. What you need to steel your mind against is black & white thinking.

For example, when you write: "I feel like if my sister found out what I did she'd hate me and everyone would call me a molester forever and hate my guts."

Do you know that your sister would hate you or do you think it is possible she would have compassion for your younger self?

I know we have never read the post on here that much. Has this caused you to search what happened to you as the 14 yr maybe adults or someone else to say at least it wasn't all my fault the nephew. It has helped me in ways to know that adults done crap to us. Sometimes the control gaining mastery helps but they are just in it for themselves those researchers that write about it .....It never really is something they explain that really well what does that mean I wnat my control back or join you at that moment and do something really hateful like I cant have this sitting in our mind all that much. At the end of the day it just leaves with that bewildered arent you in tihs for this reason to rehabilatate everybody doesnt get caught we are the admitting type. It seems like we are heartbreakers in a sense always wanting us to shine in our gifts or forcing someone out of their sense of normalcy...At the same time caring for them can I remind you there isn't one locations for those what sort of past offending type issues they help every where. Then they will leave diagnoses sacred such as ptsd and dissociative disorders for the intelligent ones so that it punishes you more.....If they want to see this was the past what about stuff stress finally catching up with you at the end of the day we arent all going to show up with life's proof that this aint our now!.....It has to be some legal protection for something like this.

You're not a monster. You did something wrong, and you feel genuine remorse -- you wouldn't do it again.

sprock wrote:Do you know that your sister would hate you or do you think it is possible she would have compassion for your younger self?

I agree.

When I was 15-16, I did the same thing to my step-sister; I fondled her while she slept. She woke up the second time, caught me in the act. We never spoke of it the rest of the time we lived together.

Our parents got divorced and I carried this around with me my whole life. Myself, I was sexually abused my father when I was around 5 years old. I remember. I've been dissociative, depressed, and suffer from Complex PTSD for this sexual abuse on top of other childhood abuses/neglect/trauma. It was bad.

This doesn't excuse what I did, just gives it some context.

Redemption and atonement was the most important thing to me. I am a warrior in my heart, a force for good, and I knew I could redeem my honor.

I almost killed myself several times.

Finally, after seeing my (now ex-) step-sister years later, I brought it up. I "confronted" the person I abused because I needed to do everything I could to prove to myself, the world, and her, that I was not the person who did that terrible thing. It was a thing I did -- a mistake I made -- not the person I AM.

I opened my heart to her and asked forgiveness. She had the softest, kindest eyes. She saw how much pain I was in, how truly remorseful I was. She forgave and it saved my life.

I still kept this secret of what I did and the confrontation from my older sister (and best friend) for another 10 years. Even though It'd been 20 years since that terrible thing I did, I still held it my heart. My sister is an abuse and rape survivor herself with a degree in Feminist Philosophy. I knew telling her would break her heart, that I'd lose my best friend and the respect of the person I love most in this world.

I month ago the depression was the worst ever. Almost killed myself again. I was remembering my own abuse, getting back memories. No one in the family knew about my own abuse by our father.

I couldn't take it any more, so I went over to my sister's house and told her everything. About our father sexually abusing me. About me fondling our step-sister in her sleep when I was a kid. About my lifelong struggle with depression and suicide.

Her heart broke all right. Not because of what I did -- because of how much pain I was in. She knew it was a mistake I made 20 years ago. She knew our father was a piece of work, she just didn't realize the depths. She hugged me, told me she loved me, and that I was still the humblest, greatest man she knows. Telling her was the best thing I've ever done. It removed the stone that had been sitting in my chest for the last 20 years.

I am a warrior. I will die to protect others from the abuse forced on me. I was an abused kid trapped in a terrible, traumatic house. It's no surprise I made some bad mistakes.

I'm not saying you should tell your sister. But I am saying to trust your genuine feelings of remorse.

It was a mistake you made -- it's not the person you are. The healing comes from realizing that.

Thanks for posting your complex story here. I think it might help others and is testimony to the power of accountability, truth and grace.