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Suicide Threat

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Suicide Threat

Postby anonymous76717667 » Tue Jul 11, 2017 3:11 am

I've been having some extreme remorse regarding my relationship lately and I'm hoping for help/advice.

Right now I'm in a wonderful relationship. It's an LDR but we make it work. We have problems/fights sometimes but we're mostly happy together and love each other very much.

The problem is, this is our second try at a relationship. We tried a relationship in a similar situation over a year ago and it was the opposite of healthy and happy. I was in a dark place (not that that's an excuse) and would often use my depression/mental illness to get sympathy and attention from him. I would also develop extreme anxiety if he didn't talk to me for even a day and jump to extreme conclusions assuming he hated me or didn't want to be with me. This culminated in him (rightfully) telling me we needed some space from each other, which, unsurprisingly, triggered one of these freakouts. I ended up cutting myself and writing a suicide note and told him about it as a desperate cry for attention. To be fair, I repeatedly told him it was not this fault and technically it was not exactly an "if you leave me, I'll kill myself" ultimatum but I understand that it basically had the same effect. He ended up changing his mind about needing space and telling me he loved me for the first time as a result of this episode. The fact that the first time we said we loved each other was a result of my desperate, manipulative behavior makes me feel unbearably guilty.

Eventually, after this episode, he successfully ended the relationship by ghosting me. At first, I refused to believe that he was ignoring me on purpose and attempted to contact him obsessively. He would respond sometimes, but was clearly distancing himself. Finally, I annoyed him enough for him to block me on everything and tell me that he was cutting ties with me. We did not talk for nearly a year after that.

He contacted me once and for a couple of days we had nice conversation and expressed missing each other, but I started with the negativity and attention-seeking once again and got angry with him for saying he wanted me to come visit and then changing his mind (even though it was due to a conflict with work), so he quickly decided to cut ties again. I did not react well, getting angry with him and calling him a "drama queen".

We continued not to have contact for the next several months, other than me sending him a message apologizing for my behavior and receiving nothing back. After a few months, however, I sent him a message reaching out to reconnect and become friends again. In this message, I somewhat fell back into the pattern of using my problems for attention and I know I should not have done this after everything I put him through, but it was surprisingly well-received. I told him I would always love him and we left it at that for quite a while.

Several months after that, however, he contacted me and pretty quickly after that we rekindled our relationship. We have been together for six months now and we've been great together and it has been healthier and happier than ever before. We actually make a very good couple and I have gotten much better about controlling my manipulative and attention-seeking behaviors. NEVER AGAIN would I EVER threaten (or basically threaten) suicide. I am extremely happy in this relationship but I can not seem to get over the guilt of basically holding my life over his head. I feel as though that is a deal breaker (even without my other past unhealthy behaviors). He has repeatedly told me he forgives me and wants to have a relationship despite our past but I'm afraid he has Stockholm Syndrome or is falling into the trap that many abuse victims do of repeatedly returning to abusive partners, even though I do not feel as though I have been abusive in this phase of our relationship. I love him and he loves me and I do not want to end this relationship, but I feel as though I might have a moral obligation to. I can't live with the fact that if people knew the details of our history, they would see me as a monster (rightfully so) and advise him to stay away from me permanently. I feel like what I've done has disqualified me from ever being in a relationship again, especially with my current boyfriend. I love him dearly and never want to cause him pain, but I fear the pain I already have caused is unforgivable.

I have just started therapy for my depression and I suspect I may have OCD and possibly BPD, which I plan on discussing with my therapist. I realize that OCD often magnifies guilt, but I feel as though this gulit is for a reason.

Should I forgive myself and move on? Do I need to break up with my boyfriend? I'm at a loss. I don't want to lose this relationship but I don't know how to forgive myself and don't feel as though I deserve forgiveness from myself.
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Re: Suicide Threat

Postby sprock » Tue Jul 11, 2017 7:52 pm

I think you *need* to accept the fact that he forgives you and that is *his* choice. I think otherwise your remorse might end up smothering the relationship, taking the place that your suicidal feelings had the first time round. It sounds like you were genuinely distressed. Yes, maybe you were manipulative, but he ghosted you. If he has chosen to get back with you, you need to accept it. Otherwise you'll just fall into the trap of needing constant reassurance from him that you shouldn't feel guilty!

Try your best! :)
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