Thread for those in disordered/abusive relationships

Hi, I'm in a bad situation that I can't find a way out of. I've supported us by myself for 5 years, she has never had a job during our relationship. Some how I've managed to keep us going all this time with a horrible physically and mentally exhausting job ( friends and family are astonished I was able to support us with such a small amount of pay, but she has never been impressed by this). I have just been laid-off and things are very tough on me now. I have no support from anyone else. I work so hard every day to try and figure out a plan for us, she will just play video games all day, I've asked please help me make a resume or anything would help us. She says that every problem in her life is my fault because i made her move away from her friends and family and she no longer has the confidence to get a job to help me. (I asked her to move away because I was attending college and she had no job/schooling and was living with her parents, so I got us an apartment 5 years ago) I worry about our next meal alot... She snaps at almost everything, she broke so many things I've worked so hard to buy. When I was still working I had alot of late nights doing over-time, it was essential to pay the bills. She had an emotional affair with a guy online saying it was my-fault because I was never there for her ( I haven't seen my friends or gone out for 4 years atleast) i give her my everything. For work my job was to move 10 tones of material (steel, chemicals, debris) by hand per day for 6 months straight. when I get home I'm so sick and sore its hard for me to do anything but lay in bed and recover, this is usually when she attacks me. When i'm weakened and tired. I've never gone a week in my life without being yelled at thanks to my parents, my job and now her. She's called me more insults than everyone in my life combined times 10 atleast, I've maybe yelled at her 2-3 times over 5 years when she has pushed me to my edge, i've never actually said an insult directed towards her, but she says I'm constantly judging her and putting her down indirectly by the things I say, this is completely un-intentional. When we talk about splitting she resorts to suicide because she has no where to go, so I could never feel right kicking her out or just never coming back here. Some of my friends no longer want to associate with me because of this situation I'm in. Even if things work out It's impossible for me to forget the insults and the cheating, all while I was literally working myself to bone to support us.

If you don't have children with this woman, please do yourself a massive favor and kick her to the curb.

passive Jack,

There's something seriously wrong that you would put up with a severely disordered partner like this gf. Have you sought to understand why you would consent to being emotionally blackmailed and abused this way? You might be a co-dependent. I feel so sorry for you, you surely deserve better!

Trainwreck:

I wanted to share my experience. I have BPD.

I was in a 6 year relationship with a narcissist. I couldn't see the abuse happening. I started falling for my friend Sylina 5 years ago. I cut her out of my life because my feelings were too strong, after she hurt me. I was in a committed relationship and felt intense guilt over my feelings as well. The abuse made me so sick I lost my apartment and job. My ex and I moved in with a friend and she helped me see that I was in an abusive relationship. I ended up moving a street away from Sylina (who got engaged 1 month prior), who I later found has BPD. I tried to kill myself, and she saved my life. I wished on a falling star for Sylina. The day I ended my relationship, I began an affair. It started innocently enough. We realized we had a strong impulsive chemistry, and I told her I had feelings for her. I told her I didn't even really know her. I didn't want to get involved. Two "BPD" feeling off eachothers impulses and intuition.

BAM. Then I had a spiritual (kundalini) awakening which was almost a cosmic joke to someone with borderline. and if you are familiar with a kundalini awakening, you begin getting taken over by your higher self, or soul. Now, I went to a psych and they agreed it was not psychosis. Regardless, at this time, I was not in control of myself or my words. I told her she was my soulmate. I told her she has to decide. We had our first fight, she walked outside and saw a shooting star. She was a very faithful person and has had many people try to get with her, but a spark was lit. Cheating is entirely against my moral compass, but since I thought she was my soulmate we fell down the slippery slope. I had another awakening, where I was not in control, I told her she was my soulmate and I had to be with her in the physical world, or go back home. I almost killed myself over this. I thank the universe for it not happening. I told her she had to tell her fiancee and she forbid her to talk to me again because we had kissed.

I learned she has BPD as well... she was too weak to let me go and with my vulnerable manipulation, I unknowingly pulled all the right strings to seduce her again. It truly wasn't something I was aware I was doing. I wouldn't have gotten involved if I didn't believe she was my soul mate. Somebody caught us so her fiancee found out yet again. She was forbidden from talking to me. I went in denial about my spiritual awakening, but figured I would let her figure out her feelings on the off chance she was my soul mate. She couldn't stay away. We both tried at least 10 times to end our communication but we eventually had sex and escalated from there. Two BPD people in an affair is a clusterf**k. I was wiser but she manipulated me as well.

My spiritual awakening has been very fullfilling and has held a lot of the keys to my happiness. I had made several psychic predictions that became true, and I started to really ponder the things I said during my awakening. I was in crisis, despite my life finding more meaning. I didn't want to tread on my soul. I thought my soul wanted rest. I eventually came to understand why I said that, spiritually. I realized she WAS my soul mate. But in a vulnerable time, it sounds like a cosmic joke to tell someone with BPD someone is their soul mate in life or death. I typically loathe cheaters. I was a homewrecker once before and I vowed never to do it again. But, the prospect that she was my soul mate lead me to forgive her for hurting me. It began a months long affair and I am trying to end it... I was a coward and told her to come back to me after a month if the situation was too much for her to handle.

I slipped out of toxic fingers, back into toxic hands! I have to laugh about how ridiculous it all sounds. Sylina is my ex's boss, to make it even more interesting. I fought my feelings for Sylina for so long and I never thought things would have turned out like this. 1 month after she proposed to her girlfriend, I ended up trainwrecking a relationship and ending one all in one day!

Oh goodness, goodness... I can empathize with you so much... It must be so hard to feel the way that you do. I think you know what the solution is--to get out of the relationship, and away from him. However, it is so much easier said than done. Have you found a backup person to lean on? Such as your parents or siblings or friends? That way, when you do leave, you have someone to go to... Maybe even for long term purposes as you rebuild yourself. I would say get something that takes up so much time that you cannot see him... A really busy job or hobby that would force you apart. That might ease his addiction of you a little bit, which would give you time to escape eventually. I really think you should take action if it has driven you enough to the hospital multiple times. Plus, as someone already said, he won't change... If you want something different, you have to initiate the change. I know you can do it. It's hard... But, you have us.

There is this specific recurring issue that I have with my girlfriend (and mother of my daughter) that I'm sure must actually have a name. We will have a conversation about something, it will be pretty incidental and indefinite regarding some future event, and then later she will be adamant that I agreed to do something that I never agreed to do.

Here is an example:
Her: My sister might come down this weekend.
Me: Awesome, I hope she can make it.

On the weekends, she is primarily responsible for taking care of our daughter, and I take care of her during the week. If her sister actually does come down, even though the entirety of our conversation is the two lines above, she will act like and even adamantly state that I had agreed to take care of our daughter. Sometimes she will even go into detail regarding things that I said, only I never said them. She usually uses the exact phrasing "We had agreed to..." and expresses intense frustration that we "always have all these misunderstandings". And granted, my memory isn't perfect, and I know I may get things wrong sometimes, so the first several times that it happened I gave her the benefit of the doubt that there actually was some kind of legitimate misunderstanding. But as this keeps happening, and as the misunderstandings are always in favor of some sort of commitment she needs from me, I know that there is something else going on here. Also, since I know we have had issues in the past, when one of these seemingly incidental conversations comes up and I recognize it, I have tried saying something to make sure we had clear expectations about commitments, and then she acts like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I'd like to do some kind of research, but don't know where to start as I can't even put a name to it.

nadadura wrote:Is there a name for this?

Yes, it's called a complete lack of mind-reading skills. I have the same problem.

Hi, i have no idea where to start. I don't know what's wrong with me but something is wrong, it's the feeling itself of me.

I am a 27year old Chinese female who grew up in a single parent family (my dad died when i was 7), planning for marriage next year. For Chinese, filial piety is an important part of family, and i always put my mother's needs first.

I feel smothered and there's a death grip on my neck. I am always walking on eggshells so as to make not her angry. I grew up thinking i am a horrible person and apologies for every thing that happens, until several people tells me
i am the nicest person they have met. I know i am an independent adult, but i can't seem to shake off my mum. Currently still staying with her till i get married and move out(due to financial issues).

She HATES my fiance and calls him really terrible names, and calls me terrible names. My fiance is trying to make me leave her and see that she is mentally abusive to me and she is controlling. She gets angry that i make decisions without her, and when i do seek her opinion, she says she doesn't care and i should make my own decisions. I am always blamed for anything that happens, (my father dies and it's because i am a jinx to the family, she lost her wallet and i buy a similar
one for her and she say's that i am terrible for making her believe i found her wallet. i make a bracelet for her and she is rough with it and it breaks, she throws back to me and says i make bad quality items for her).

Basically my fiance and her DOES NOT GET ALONG and whenever they talk, it ALWAYS ends in a screaming match with neither party wanting to "lose" the argument. She curses my impending marriage and says that the sooner i divorce, the better it is for everyone.

The reason she hates my fiance is because he is poor, he is not attractive and fat and that he is rude to her. She calls me a whore/slut/stupid whenever i mention his name, which caused me alot of stress and i decided to hide my relationship with him
by tell her we broke up. When she found out we are still together, she hate him even more.

I am feeling quite depressed and suicidal and have tried to seek help from counselors but the price and waiting list in my country is crazy so i am seeking online help. I am really at a lost and full of anxiety now, i get panic attacks often and feel like a little lost lamb.

xandrew245x wrote:I need to vent.
I was with a girl since May of 2010, I met her at school, and fell head over heals in love with her. Just recently (June of this year) She broke it off. I am pretty sure she has Borderline personality disorder, she was abused as a child by her stepmother and her mother had tried to commit suicide.

When I first met her it was absolutely amazing, she seemed to be into everything I was, the sex was great and crazy, we talked for hours, we spent every day together. I noticed a massive change in her about 7 or 8 months into the relationship. She became extremely depressed, angry, lazy and mean. She was extremely manipulative, and played me like a puppet, and I just let he because I didn't see anything wrong. She would always try to get everyone else to do things for her so she didn't have to. She lied all the time, she spent our money like no bodies business, and if I would say to her about watching what she spent, I was the awful person ,and I bought what ever I want and spent whatever money I wanted, it was a huge guilt trip. She couldn't take care of herself, her car, or any of her personal responsibilities. She had pets, and I had to take care of them or else they would have died. We often got into very heated arguments, I can remember on a couple of occasions she actually got violent with me, but most of the time she would play the major victim, run and lock herself in a room, threaten to cut/kill herself and love it when I sat there and begged for her not to do it. She verbally and emotionally abused me all the time, constantly putting me down, keeping me exactly where she wanted me. I tried so hard from the start to get her to go see a doctor, but she would not go, and I couldn't make her. She finally went to see a doctor once her mother got involved, and all the doctor did was prescribe her some medicine and diagnosed her with bipolar, she went back 2 or 3 times, and stopped going back, she missed her last appointment and never made another.

The worst thing she did was want to marry me, which I found out was just a show. She always had to be the center of attention. I found all of this out after she left me. A month or so before we were to be married she ran back to her ex behind my back, confessed her love to him, and begged for him back, she also kissed him multiple times. She told him she would call all of the wedding if he took her back. It infuriates me, because I had second thoughts about it, and she kept talking me back into it, I didn't even want to cancel it, I just wanted to postpone it a year or so. So we got married, 2 months after, we got into an argument, she flipped out, and said she was going to get an annulment. Once she cooled down, everything was fine, it was like it never happened. The last time, she went and hung out with a group of friends, mostly guys, the next day after confronting her about her lying to me about who she was talking to, she told me she wanted to divorce. She then continued going out every single night and staying out very late, hanging out with the boy she ultimately left me for, but still denies. She also kissed this boy, had inappropriate conversations with him, sent him indecent pictures and even spent the night, and came home with a hickie, denying that anything happened. She also just told me recently that she only loved me in her twisted and ###$ up way and she learned in her childhood.

I am so angry and hurt by her!

I am really sorry bro! You deserve better..just move on!! People like her wont really love you.

hello..I've never posted anyhting in this forum but I kinda need an opinion from outside.

I have a boyfriend. we've been toguether for about 3 years. Things were rocky from the beginning, I know, wth with me.

He claims he has something in his brain, he's never had it examined, which causes him to "change" and be a completely different person, this "state" lasts for about an hour and he then "snaps" back. I'm quoting because I'm not sure it's true. Anyway, when he's in his other state he's mean and breaks up with me, call me names and tells me stuff he knows hurts me.

As a little background on myself, I've been a cutter since I was aroun 13 yo, I'm 27 now. I don't do it as often as I used to. (This year about twice). I haven't been properly diagnosed but I know that I have suffered from severe depression. (which runs siletly in my famili as well)

So back to the relationship. He gets angry so easily and yell and calls me names, no matter what triggered the fight. It could be from me not wanting to watch TV with him to money problems. The reasons vary so widely that I could spend quite a while talking about them.

Another thing is that he's divorced, has two kids, and according to him, he does not introduce me to his family because 1. it's trouble with his exwife and bye bye visits to the kids and 2. I'm too emotional and his family are all jokers and might hurt my feelings.

We hardly go out because ppl might see us, we even go to the movies and stuff in another city nearby.

So, to finish this...I thing that I might be in an abusive relationship, but also, might be co-dependant from my side? any thoughts?