So, what Am I?
My first love. My only love. She hates me!
Met her aged fifteen, she was a year younger.. The most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. She kept looking across, I could barely keep my eyes off her. Love at first sight? My friend had to push me to go talk to her. I’m glad he did.. Sometimes.
We had great times. Shared a lot of firsts together. She had this friend named jack. He seemed cool from what she told me, she went dancing with his little sister. I was a little worried at first when he was over her house and I couldn’t talk to him on the phone, but no worries, catch you later. She stopped seeing him after a while. Cool, no worries.
We had arguments. Daily, weekly. Lots. About nothing. She would shout something and walk off. I would chase after her, grab her by her arms, end up shouting at her. I kicked her once, out of a reaction to her turning her back on me AGAIN. I hate myself for it. We shared a whole lot of tears together, for each other.
So one day I’m hanging with her sister. She was cool, we got on pretty well. I asked about this guy Jack out of the blue, he just randomly came to mind. There was no jack. She’d been two timing her other friend with me. They were closer than just friends. Not really important she loved me, but she’d lied for a long time about this. We had some more bust ups, my hand got broken in the process. We cooled it, went our separate ways. Stopped hanging. I cried a lot, I know she did too.
I bumped in to her a couple of times, she would send a card on my birthday and whatever, we tried to get it together but her parents wouldn’t approve, they walked in on us one time fooling around and told us we had to stop seeing each other. We never got it back together.
She went off, had a child with some other guy. They broke up in a messy way just before she gave birth. She’d had another boyfriend since. I’d had a couple of girlfriends, but nothing like her.
I spotted her in town one day, she smiled but I carried on walking, obviously returning the smile. I loved her a lot. It never stopped. It hasn’t stopped. I got at her on facebook, we talked on and off since January.. Both a little older, different things going on. 24/23. Figured it would be cool to catch up. We ended up getting together and everything was cool. Just old friends hanging out.. I thought.
“Shall we get a bottle of wine and go back to mine?” she asks.. cool, no harm I thought, be good to see where you’re living. Only round the corner from her parents, but be nice to see what’s up.
Then it changed when we got back to her place. She put the short shorts on, lit the candles.. I thought nothing much of it, I didn’t meet her to start this back up. She’s just comfortable. Then we get a little closer, we end up kissing a little bit and she tries to climb on me. I ended up throwing her off “you could never be just that to me” she was trying hard to persuade me. I wasn’t down. She’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, literally super model looking these days, absolutely killer. I didn’t want it like that for some reason. I crashed next to her in bed and we ended up doing that anyway. Things changed pretty quick..
Within a couple of days she was completely blowing up my phone. Calls, texts all the time. It was kind of annoying, but I liked that she was in to me. I like her, a lot. Something was weird though, one minute I’d be dying to hear from her, the next I just COULD NOT BE BOTHERED. Annoying me, getting me down, saying one thing doing another. One minute she’d be pushing me away, the next she’d be ringing me every five minutes. I liked it, was fun in a way, but getting me down. I loved changing her mind about something, persuading her to stay up late, let me sleep over. I loved hanging with her and her little girl, but then I’d have some kind of moment where I’d be thinking what on earth am I doing with this girl? With someone else’s daughter? She’s not the person I remember! Sometimes I’d really love talking to her, other times I felt angry at her, really angry. I got up and walked out on a few occasions. Something kept drawing me back; I always got at her the next day, or later on. I liked to surprise her, bring something to her house that she might need, grab her a little something. She knew something wasn’t quite right. “It’s as if you have bipolar or something, you just flip”. “When we were kids I always used to pray you were in a good mood when I was on my way to meet you”. “I could never let someone like you, so crazy/scary in to mine and ‘my daughter’s life” We made up. This is all in a short period of time. Literally within a month of first meeting again! Crazy mood swings! On both parts.
I get quite angry a lot recently. With a lot of people close to me. Not like I got angry with her though, this was rage. Wanting to hit things, just scream and shout.
I told her something, a joke I made to her friend years ago when me and her hung out. About sleeping together, as you do when you’r kids. Nothing came of it, I didn’t want it.. But she was hurt, she hated it. Told me it would always be awkward for her if we were out together, they’re still friends now. I understood, but it didn’t mean anything to me, or her friend. She was seriously down about it. I tried to convince her that I never wanted her, but something felt wrong, I felt like she lost a lot of trust in me. Felt betrayed, even though we weren’t friends when I said this too the other girl.
I woke up the next morning with a serious depressing feeling. I felt like she wasn’t on my side anymore. So I lashed out. I didn’t want to lose her, I had to throw her away, make it look like she wasn’t important to me stupid, stupid. She had an exam that morning, but I wrote the text anyway “I remembered something else.. I asked ‘your friend’ to marry me once. I was about to go see about another girl the other week. I’m moving on”
“Honestly? You’re going to send her this before her exam?” I thought. “Don’t send it, don’t send it, are you really going to send it? Why did you send that? You REALLY should not have sent that!”
She was fuming! Calling my phone over and over, but I was driving to work. I couldn’t answer right then, I knew it was ruined.. I got to work and called her back and she says “Listen, if you ever come near me, my house, anywhere near ‘my daughter’ again, I’m calling the police” she says.
“F*ck off” I said and hung up. I didn’t care, I was angry, I didn’t care at all. She keeps calling and texting, I’m ignoring her. Then start thinking “omg, what have you done to her? To this whole deal? It’s her! Why did you do that?” I tried to cool it all down, tell her the deal, the ‘other girl’ was just a friend (she was, why did I make it sound like there’s some other girl?),” I wasn’t serious when I told ‘her’ I wanted to marry her. It was a joke. I meant it when I said it to you”. “I only want you”
“I’m so sad that I can’t trust you. I felt like it was you I could trust and you just tell any girl anything she wants to hear. I knew I was just a game to you. Get out of my life”
I tried to keep talking, telling her it’s only her. I went to the pub by her place and saw her friend drive by “say Hi to ‘your friend for me’” I messaged her. Wtf
“Where are you? Why are you doing this to me?! Stop stalking me! “ Stupid.
“You want to see stalking? I’ll show you more than that! That phone call took you from a friend who I cared about to my newest hobby. You think your looks are a fair exchange for my heart?! HELL NO. You owe me and I’m coming to take what you owe me” I started heading there, to her house, with dark thoughts. Horrible thoughts I hate. She rang a few times, managed to cool me down, I don’t want to hurt her, at all, I fixed my head and went home.
The next day I tried to talk to her. “Please, I don’t want this. Respect me” She says
“You don’t want what? See me tonight? Ever?”
“You know exactly what I want now. Take care” She said
“WHAT?! You’re playing games with this take care sh*t. You just wanted me to tell you you’re better than the ‘other girl’”.. no reply.
“That’s it isn’t it?! You just wanted to know I wanted you more than her” no reply..
“I think what really kills you is knowing I’d hate to make any real commitment to you and your ###$ up life. Living alone feeling lonely and hurt, child at 18 to a father who doesn’t care. You could have had everything, you’ve f*cked it up! Your life is set. I can do anything, my power is beyond measure. I took everything I wanted from you.. friendship body and tears. You’re so so f*ckin stupid. Keep hooking up with marines and telling boys you like them (she was ignoring some dude who liked her, she’d led him on I think and didn’t tell him straight it was over) you’ll certainly be happy HAHA” no reply..
“Message me again, I beg you message me again. I’ll show this world what kind of devil is inside me” “I swear to f*cking christ if I ever see your number on my phone again, you come anywhere near me with your #######4.. Your mum, dad, sister, friends and ‘your daughter’ especially, will remember me every breath they take” what kind of messed up sh*t is that?!
I just left it, I didn’t message her again the night, but the next day I went to go see her. She was hanging outside her house smoking, she saw me and ran inside.. Hid behind the door “please, please, please just go” I felt like an animal. The girl I love, scared to death that I’m going to hurt her
The next day I couldn’t face work. I walked for miles and miles, wrote her a letter. Phoned work, lost my job for bailing without saying anything. Took her letter, along with my tears to her place. Her daughter was outside, obviously happy to see me, she had no idea..
“Can you give this to mommy for me?” I asked.
“mooom.. *** just gave me this for you ”
“Where is he?” in a nervous tone, is all I heard her say. I felt so bad, I had to just leave. I knew I’d upset her a lot, scared her. So I wrote another letter..
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen.. I know you’re going to do great, I’ll always pray for you. I’m sorry”.. “Happy birthday by the way” yep, told her goodbye on her birthday. Awesome.
Then I start acting stupid, seriously stupid. Getting crazy depressed, crying all the time. Ended up messaging her friends on facebook, sending her weird messages about erotomania, paranoid stalkers, telling her all my thoughts, literally hundreds and hundreds of facebook messages, all without a single reply. I tried to go to her house, she looked out saw it was me and locked the door. I messaged her with just a smiley face from my mobile. Probably freaked her out completely. Then I’d message more the next day, one minute telling her how much I love her, the next how much I hate her. Loads and loads of messages.. She’s on my mind constantly, literally every waking minute. Good thoughts, bad thoughts, horrible thoughts about hurting her or myself. It’s horrible. I tried to go to her house again, she opens the door .
“What do you want?”
“Just to talk, hear me out”
“I’m not allowed to talk to you, the police know about it and I want you to go” closes the door in my face. So I message her again
“You best believe I don’t care about the police. All I care about is you telling me we can’t make this right. You’re not ALLOWED to talk to me?! Forget that, you can do whatever the hell you want!”
A few hours later I’m messaging her again.
“Why do I write such stupid things? I’ve lost the most important friend I’ve ever had. I’m so scared”
It’s all just crazy. I’m still messaging her now! No reply.. What on earth is wrong with me? Am I simply a complete idiot, or is there something wrong with me? One minute I wish I could just forget about her, treat her like she never existed, the next I want to go back and not send those stupid messages, then I’m thinking about the arguments, then about how happy I was at times around her.. Literally every minute of the day I’m thinking about her! I hate it. I don’t want to scare her, but I want her to understand that I’m not dangerous, I just say stupid things, that I’m sorry and I want it how it was. Me and her friends. What on earth do I do?!
I’ve been to the doctor, made an appointment to see about some kind of therapy, but it’s already been 6 weeks since this all began (her stopping talking to me) and still another 3 weeks until I get to talk to a professional. I’m going crazy! What is wrong with me? How can I make someone I love so much, hate me so much? She’ll never talk to me again! How can I even start fixing this, when the biggest problem is her hating me? She won’t hear me out, I know I can’t make her love me, or want to spend time with me, but surely there’s something I can do to stop her hating me! I wish I could just forget this ever happened. Hide somewhere knowing I never have to see her again. Then two minutes later I want to get it back to how it was before I scared her. It’s just such a mess!