Dumped by a BPD for second time

I'll apologise now for the long post. I will try to get all the important things in.

I have recently been dumped by a BPD, about 3 weeks ago. He also took a week to decide to end it, he stayed at his Dads and is now living there.

He told me the reason for ending it was his therapy. He is in group therapy 3 times a week. And has been going for 6 months, has 6 months left. I knew his therapy was slowly changing things I could feel it happening. He said his therapy has made him lose his feelings for me? It made him feel stressed and numb so he doesnt love me anymore. His Step Mum told me that when he came back after ending it he was crying as he came in the door and said he was confused and had mixed feelings about it. First question do you think his feelings have completely gone or are just being pushed to the side? Is he ignoring them because he thinks its for the best?

Now I do have social anxiety problems myself, and as the relationship went on I put on weight and so became less and less happy with myself and stopped going out. Sometimes I would get jealous and paranoid about the women at his group. He would always reassure me theres no one else. I thought maybe this was a reason he left because I was too paranoid and unhappy with myself. He told me that "it didnt help but still wasnt a reason its simply his therapy".

He has also made a few friends at therapy and started to go out with them more and more. I didnt have a problem with this but I think he thought I did. But i know his friends have had an impact on him aswell. He started getting into different music. He has changed his look and attitude towards things. Its like he has absorbed his friends personality or something. Does this ring any bells with anyone else?

The thing is this is the 2nd time weve been together. We first got together in 2008 things moved pretty fast we got engaged and had a daughter, she is now 3. He ended it last time too because thats when he got diagnosed with his BPD and he was pretty messed up. We were seperated for 8 months and both had other partners but got back together and he moved in with me straight away. Then things have been fine until like I said he started his therapy. But he also told me last time that he didnt love me either and was actually quite cold and distant with me for a while. This time he isnt so much cold but doesnt talk to me much unless his Dad and Step Mum are around. Were being friendly and he does ask me what my plans are all the time and tells me everything that happens with him.

He says there is no one else and he is going to stay single at least until his therapy is finished. I just have a bad feeling that he likes one of his friends from group though. She recently split from her boyfriend too. I think he was waiting for it and then ended it with me. They arent allowed to date though thats the rules of his therapy, other wise they will get kicked out. Which could be why hes going to wait til hes finished to start dating? Am I just being paranoid? Plus not sure it will work with them as they both obviously have BPD so might be too much of a rollercoaster.

Basically I would like some opinions on whether you think he does still have feelings for me and should I see what happens? Or should I move on forever? I cant escape him completely though becuase of our daughter. I have to see him every week. :/ All advice is welcome.

Hi,
One of the best ways to change others is to change our-self first. Since you have a daughter together, I do think it's important to have a respectable, kind interaction together(not saying you don't).

Your ex sounds like he's going through a self discovery process, sometimes it's a bumpy road for them, what's important is to love and accept what they are capable of doing or bringing to the table. Rather than getting worked up or preoccupied by what he's doing, whynot take this as a opportunity to work on yourself as well. In this way, you wouldn't need to escape to have a functioning relationship with him(whatever that entails). Nor would his actions or inactions have an effect on you.

Thank you for your reply and advice.

I am trying to work on myself now and focus more on my daughter but it is very hard not to care how he is doing. I've known him for 8 years so letting go is not easy but i know it will happen in time.

Since I wrote that post however he is becoming more and more cold and arrgoant towards me and I do not know why. He seems to have this im fine without you attitude and It is confusing me. I just want to be able to be friends with him if only for our daughters sake. Is this a normal way for someone with BPD to act?

Hi katwag89,

How much do you know about borderline personality disorder? It's not at all uncommon for someone with the disorder to split. In my experience, with my family, if you aren't their hero, you are either out to get them, or they just shut you out. Since I don't engage in the drama anymore, I am not a part of the family (according to them). And since he's dredging up his past, past wounds and traumas, his emotions are probably churning around, and he's likely thinking less logically than before.

And no, it's not at all uncommon to absorb new friends' personality. BPDs have a fragile sense of self, and struggle with feeling any self worth. This is very common. Those suffering from the disorder often fuse psychologically with others, sometimes to the point of being emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of a partner, or friend.

I suggest you don't push it. I know it's probably confusing to your daughter, but if he is around her while he is going through this "self discovery" (I like that!), and if there are arguments in the household, it could be hurtful to her. Focusing on her at this time is very important, in my opinion.

I can understand having anxiety in a relationship with someone with this disorder. Being raised by one, and having a sister with it, I have struggled with anxiety most of my life. It's important to pinpoint your triggers for anxiety. Mine flares up when I am around my family for more than a couple of days at a time, then can spin out to other areas of my life. If I don't recognise it, and catch it in time. Constantly worrying about someone - trying to figure out ways to help them, reassure them, dreading the next dramatic interlude, or simply trying to keep the peace in the family can trigger it for me.

When I was enmeshed in the lives of those family members, I isolated myself. I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but I didn't have the mental or physical energy to sustain other relationships. And being focused on them, I kind of absorbed their way of thinking. I didn't trust people, I got paranoid. I raged. That was my FOO status quo. Since I have unentangled myself, I don't do that, and have developed healthier, nurturing relationships, with myself and others.

Renny gave some solid advise. There are some really good books on BPD, and family members coping techniques. I can't remember off the top of my head, atm. but I remember looking into them in trying to figure out my own family dynamics. I think the most basic would be a good boundaries book, to keep from getting sucked into the drama.
((Hugs if wanted))