anagram wrote:This is a key question in my life too. Maybe even more so... The basic difference in practice is that you have made bad choices, I have made none. One actually. I was willing to make my life better to be with her. I was glad that I wanted to make my life better. I had a plan. She was part of it, and she kept me going. But she couldn't let me in.
I have reasons why I sought out people vs being alone. Reasons that many do not have in common. It's certainly complicated. I did indeed make bad choices but not intentionally. Sometimes the best of intentions turn out terribly.
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!
The relationship I thought was my match, was 3 years long two and a half without so much as a quarrel or issue. We seemed to just know what the other needed. Like having a shared mind. We spent every free moment together for two and a half years in ignorant bliss. She was blissful lol I was just content. Contentedness is all I really manage as I have few/restricted emotional responses. Everyone thought we were the picture perfect couple. One of the fatal flaws is that she decided she preferred to be more social and picked poor company. She began to emulate them and they of course disliked me as I wanted nothing of them, wouldn't meet them and wasn't like them. She began to listen to their silly notions and the downfall began. The fall from grace was a sharp and painful one.
It was impossible to predict this turn of events.
As far as the others go, they were bad choices and I am drawn to unusual people in a sense. I have a certain set of characteristics I am drawn to.
anagram wrote:She needed me to be unreal. So I had to be unreal... I fear she may become a ghost like everyone else is. I know she will... She was the mirror where I looked to see myself. No mirror, no self to be seen. Now the closest thing I have to my self is anagram. I don't like to be called by my birth name. It sounds odd to me. I don't like to be called by my old screen name either. Ana... nice ring to it... I guess I was thinking of it when I came up with this pseudonym.
I have always read your username as a name such as Ana Gramm or Anna Graham .
I also do not like being called by my name as it doesn't seem to fit me however but I cannot imagine a name that does. I intended to change my name for years until one day I realized no names ever sounded correct.
Luckily for me people almost never use my name. It is only used when they call me in for my appointments but never during them. People I know just start talking without referring to names. I can go months or years at times without hearing my name. Sometimes I wonder if one day I will forget it entirely.
I've been wondering my whole life how to make a good choice. Most girls I've been attracted to somehow, uncannily, made me feel really bad. I had to stay away from them. There have been exceptions. (Unsurprisingly, Ana is the name of one of them...) But no real progress. I've been studying my own feelings of attraction and trying to understand what is wrong and what is right with them. There must be some truth there.
I'm attracted to warm, careless types. Women who seem to be drifting in the void like me. Sounds like a good thing to me. A good match. But why do I feel bad about it then?.. Or why can't I find them? Or how/where could/should I? I can't face all the ghosts out there while I seek for her. All these ghosts... it's frightening... I'm weak without her, because I'm not myself. I need to know where she is. I don't know where to look...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N2CaGp_6A0
In short, yes: how do we fix this?
What are warm, careless types? It sounds contradictory... Or did you mean careless as in carefree?
Ghosts are inevitable. How does one know another is what one has been searching for without experiencing much with them?
Often times matches in theory, do not make good matches in practice. There are too many variables. It seems from my observations that most humans find matches in people that they would never expect to have been a match. An ironic and contradictory notion.
Nice lyrics by the way. Very apropos.
Yes how do we?
It seems we would need an outside opinion, we are both way to close to this.
Are not laws dangerous which inhibit the passions? Compare the centuries of anarchy with those of the strongest legalism in any country you like and you will see that it is only when the laws are silent that the greatest actions appear.
-Marquis de Sade
That which does not kill us, makes us stranger. -Trevor Goodchild