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Help an obsessed lover

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Help an obsessed lover

Postby GrowingUp » Sun Jun 24, 2012 6:05 pm

Hey all, this is my first post here. I'm not sure what I want out of this, but first I need to get a few things off my chest.

I'm a 27 year old male. Sometime during law school, probably back in 2009 I met a friend of a classmate. I was immediately attracted to her, although she rejected my initial approach. I encountered her a couple more times in the next couple years. In March of 2011, we encountered each other again, she was attracted to me, and we hit it off. Apparently, she had been in a six year relationship that started when she was 18, and ended about 6 months before we started hanging out.

Things started moving fast. We were together all the time that spring and made each other very happy. The sex was great, we share alot of interests and values, and I tend to believe that we're both good people. I took the bar exam that summer. She spent three weeks traveling with a girlfriend out of the country. After the bar, and after she returned home, I traveled for three weeks myself.
As we began to grow closer, I learned that she has a deep-rooted distrust of men. She’s a feminist, and would always give me the business about my relationships with other females and my Playboy subscription. We talked about this a couple times, and she knows it’s an issue she needs to work on.
Once I returned home in September 2011, I moved back in with my parents, who live in the same town as us. We agreed that I would sleep at her house 4-5 nights per week, but my parents wouldn’t have been ok with her sleeping there. Things started to go south around this time. I could feel her detachment, but when I asked her about it, she could never give me a straight answer.

In December, she broke up with me. It wasn’t a clean break, we were back together in a day or two. I can be judgmental at times, and she had misgivings about that. I swore to her I would work on that, I did. She acknowledged later that she noticed a change.

During January, February, and March, I noticed she was becoming more detached. She would still give me time, but she would always have to have friends around. She never seemed to want or enjoy hanging out with me and my friends. At least once she blew off doing something with me in favor of staying with a friend.

In February, she broke up with me for a second time. Again, that only lasted a day or two, and she was back.

In April, she broke up with me for the third time. We both cried. We didn’t talk for a few days, but I eventually asked her to meet up with me. We had a happy meeting. During this time, I was upset that I didn’t hear from her. A few days after our meeting, I broke down, called her, and told her I couldn’t stand being in this “limbo” with her. I tried to make her feel guilty for ending our relationship. After that, I realized the mistake I made and apologized.

She stopped talking to me after that. I gave it a few weeks and tried to get in touch, but she asked me to please stop calling and texting her. I was driving by her house and work just to see her car. That made me happy. A few weeks later, I emailed her, telling her I was having a hard time and telling her how perfect she was. I asked her why our relationship ended. She said we were both unhappy. That’s the last time I talked with her.

I miss this girl immensely. The thought of her makes me sad, depressed, and lonely. I’m trying to get over this, and I’ve boxed up everything that reminds me of her, and have blocked her on social media.

I just read Obsessive Love by Dr. Forward, and found it very insightful. I realize I’m obsessed, and am following Dr. Forward’s plan to move on. Where do I go from here? I’d like to reach out to my ex and tell her about my discovery of obsession, but I’m not sure if this is a good idea or not. I still have some hope that eventually we'd reunite, and it's hard getting that out of my head.
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Re: Help an obsessed lover

Postby caught_in_the_rain » Sun Jun 24, 2012 7:07 pm

You are just used to her I believe. Don't you feel that the breaking up and getting back together is too much drama? I really think that you are just used to her right now and you just need to take time and eventually you will get over her. Haven't you ever gotten over breakups before? This is just another one like that. I'm sorry about how you feel right now though because I know how hard it is to have to get over someone, we all do. What makes you think you are obsessed? Remember, you have tried to get back with her, the ball is now in her court, she may regret it later but there is nothing you can do about that.
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Re: Help an obsessed lover

Postby GrowingUp » Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:57 am

Thanks, rain.

It is drama, and I seem to accept that because I think she's worth fighting for. I saw us having a very long relationship, and she even agreed with me.

Well, the last time I was dumped was nearly 10 years ago, and I could feel my other relationships going sour. Getting over this breakup hurts because she ended it, and didn't clearly explain to me why. The uncertainty sucks.

In exploring how to let go, I came across the Obsessive Love. The book provides a 13 point "checklist" for obsession. I agreed with 9. The book claims an obsessive lover is 3 or more. I can also relate to many of the case studies provided in the book.

Thanks for the last part.
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Re: Help an obsessed lover

Postby masquerade » Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:21 am

You've suffered a loss, and rather like a bereavement, there are stages of grief involved when people suffer a loss of any kind. This may help you.

relationship/topic84035.html

Sometimes a person's loss may feel the same as the sudden withdrawal of an addiction. When people are in love, their brains manufacture more dopamine and other chemicals than usual, and when the relationship ends these levels can take a drop, causing feelings of withdrawal

You'll need to be kind to yourself. This sounds like a cliche, but treating yourself with kindness, doing things that you enjoy, finding new interests, and expanding your life can help. Don't fight against the emotions that you're going through, however.

If things really feel as if they're becoming very painful, talking to a therapist may help

I wish you well.
http://youtu.be/myyITD5LWo4

http://youtu.be/IaBLhoWTkMI

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Re: Help an obsessed lover

Postby GrowingUp » Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:48 pm

Thanks, masquerade, I appreciate the support.
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Re: Help an obsessed lover

Postby caught_in_the_rain » Mon Jun 25, 2012 9:07 pm

so are you really willing to let her go now then? i hope so, just because you never missed yuor exes from your other relationships doesn't mean this girl is the one. also it sounds like she enjoys people missing her, wanting her. and she;s willing to risk not being with you to get that feeling, that's not good.
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Re: Help an obsessed lover

Postby GrowingUp » Wed Jun 27, 2012 2:06 am

I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go. Our relationship ended on a bad note, and she's more or less ignored me for nearly three months. That obviously doesn't help things.

I know she has issues herself, and I'm pretty sure she's aware of at least some of them. I may not be blaming as much as I should on her. How can I blame her without getting angry?
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Re: Help an obsessed lover

Postby masquerade » Wed Jun 27, 2012 8:45 pm

Feeling a sense of injustice and blame is normal. So is feeling angry. Writing all your feelings down might help, before tearing them into little shreds and ceremoniously letting go. Speaking to a therapist can also be a great help. Bottling up your feelings and not expressing them isn't healthy, so you'll need to find a harmless outlet for your anger. Talking about it, acknowledging it, and feeling the emotions, with a therapist present can provide a healthy outlet.
http://youtu.be/myyITD5LWo4

http://youtu.be/IaBLhoWTkMI

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Re: Help an obsessed lover

Postby GrowingUp » Sat Jun 30, 2012 2:02 pm

Thanks. I'm going to look into therapy. I will try to remember to come back here and update.
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