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Will it ever stop

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Will it ever stop

Postby holmes102 » Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:45 am

Here goes.....I have been married to my husband for almost 7 years. Met at a wedding and instantly clicked. I never thought I would want another serious relationship after my last one (oldest daughter's father) but he swept me off my feet. Better than that - we had fun. No matter where or who we were with, we always had fun. I became pregnant a year into dating and he proposed 6 months later. He is younger by 5 years, but very mature for his age. He knew what he wanted and how to get it.

We had a great relationship. He has always been a flirt and one of the most social people I know. This never bothered me until one day I had an awful feeling. I was home - with kids, pregnant with my 3rd and something didn’t feel right. He would never ever leave his phone around; it was with him 24/7. I doubted my thoughts for a while, then the feeling was too strong to deny. He left his email open one night, so I looked. Sure enough there were pictures of a girl half dressed, and emails back and forth about liking the way she looked and how it made him feel.

I approached the girl, called her - 15 minutes later he called. Mad at me! He said it was nothing just flirting, and I do believe nothing physical, just all talk. This still bothered me. I felt insecure and lonely. I wanted him to say those things to me, want me that way!

As time went on, I forgave. Life is busy with three children and working. I eventually let trust build back. And sure enough it has happened a few more times. It has gotten to the point that he is always doing for others than us, he is choosing those fake relationships over time with me. I have approached him and he always promised to think of my feelings and assured me it was nothing.

He is very careful to only text.....his phone is by his side even in bed, on his night stand. Well last week, the feelings came back again. This has now been 5 years, but he has been changing. His attitude gives him away! I saw some facebook conversations - by accident. I do not have his passwords and he is super careful not to ever leave them open - but when I went on the computer there were full conversations.

Talking to a woman about how she looks, how he would love to take her out, he wants to take private yoga lessons from her. Not only this woman, but another - telling her how good she looks, how he loves the days he gets to stop in her work for lunch. How good he smells when he comes home because he smells like her.

I am losing my mind, I asked the same night. Knowing I had proof, and he denied. I let him sleep, and then the next day told him what I found. He still tried to deny, saying it was nothing. I am crazy about this man, but beginning to hate who he turned into. I asked him to leave, he won’t. I spoke to his family telling them he won’t leave and why I asked. He cries to me saying sorry he is stupid - please forgive him. He found a marriage counselor to go to and does not want to lose me......but am I going to regret trying to work it out.

I am devastated, knowing this isn't the first time, the second it is like the 6th one I know about. Does he really love me and the family we created? Is it only to pacify me with counseling? Will we be able to get back to what I thought we had, or was it all a lie?
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Re: Will it ever stop

Postby brandgirl » Wed Jun 20, 2012 4:01 pm

Hi Holmes102,

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's such an awful feeling. Unfortunately, I've been through something similar. Your story sounds so familar to me, but I'm much earlier on in the relationship. But the deceit, the denial, the lies, the promises to change, the apologies, the seemingly true remorse. I don't really know what to say, except I feel like I'm in your shoes.

I do see this as an emotional affair. There is nothing ok about it. How would he feel if you were doing the same with another man? I am a big believer in second chances and I've always thought that if someone accepts and admits what they did is wrong and truly WANTS to change the behavior they can. And that's why I'm still in my current relationship. But I still have doubts. I still snoop and try to figure out passowords so I obviously haven't completely forgiven and my trust isn't back. I'm not sure it ever will be. I'm afraid that once I let my guard down, that he will slip back into his routine.

I know I'm not helping...and I suppose I'm not the right one to give advice.

One thing you can demand is to have access to all his accounts. If he is texting, you can get access to his phone records. All the texts will be there and you can see who and when he is in contact with. But of course, you have to decide if you want to live that way. And you have to remember that where there is a will, there's a way. He could use Yahoo Messenger, for example, which can be traced.

I'm very sorry. Unfortunately, it just sounds like a pattern. But you need to know that what he is doing is NOT ok, so don't let him convince you it's innocent. It's cheating.
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Re: Will it ever stop

Postby holmes102 » Sat Jun 30, 2012 4:14 am

Brandgirl - Thanks for the reply. I am trying to move past this problem with my husband, but where it has happened so many times, I am having serious difficulties. I am not perfect - far from normal. I have disfunction and chaos with my emotions. I have never let anyone hurt me emotionally since I was a teenager, always being able to just shut it off, have no emotional connection ever again. But this time, I can not bring myself to shut this relationship off. I love him, but can not trust him and not sure if I ever will again. I am sure this has happened long before I realized his "emotional affairs". I just was probably in denial because I have always wanted to have trust in him. I believed him when he told me that I was always the one for him. How nice to be be someone's true love. I have know for a few years that he speaks with other woman, he has always told me and manipulated me into thinking it was nothing. But it has always been brushed this under the rug, after a few weeks of fighting. Even though the trust was never fully regained. I did not let it affect me because I am too busy. My trust is ruined so is the fact that I do not believe he loves me with out doubt. If so I wouldnt have this issue. I have agreed to try and work on it. He is making an effort to find counseling and fullfilled the first meeting. In counseling his first response was he didnt cheat - but consistenly said sorry.Eventually he admitted he did see this as cheating, but I want answers - why? Replies just being stupid, he loves me and the friendships started platonic - but advanced - not sexually. If he wasnt caught would it have progressed - it came pretty damn close if he was honest.

Understanding he is sorry, but is it for getting caught or actually for hurting me. Originally he didnt see the issue, being he didnt believe it was cheating, so how can the remorse be sincere.

He apologizes consistenly, and I am not making it easy with my attitude. I honestly want to try to forgive and move past, but I am fearful he will do it again. People do not change, and I am not ready to live my life looking over my shoulder. We have 3 children and had a great marriage, but I need a partner not a roommate. This has given me so much doubt and it makes me see the negative aspects of our relationship above the good. Is he benefitting my life? He took the only thing he could be to me - my partner and love of my life away.

Hopefully he will see how serious this has changed our marriage. Can he do the right thing and work hard to repair what he has broken. I am not an easy fix, my emotions are definitely like a shatter glass. There is so much work to do to save our relationship - I hope I have the patience for it.

I want to let him know how serious I am about never putting up with this again
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