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When the Pain is Too Much and Chronic or Too Often

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When the Pain is Too Much and Chronic or Too Often

Postby Mishra2012 » Wed Jun 06, 2012 8:19 am

I have spent years trying to be okay and find happiness. I have not succeeded. Often when I am okay and kinda "happy" someone new enters my life and ruins it.

I have so many strikes agianst me, female, part Black and it shows, have high morals and old school values as far as romantic relationships go. On top of all that I have genital herpes and the majority of the type of men I am attracted to physically(racially/ethnically) and culturally are not attracted to me and many of those that are would not marry me for my Blackness alone...add genital viral disease to that.

I have a disfunctional family. I was abused in many ways growning up.

I planned to be married no later than the age of 25 and am now more than a year over that mark. I know a woman that is highly permiscuous, unfaithful when in a relationship recently married and cheated right before and right after the marriage (as 1to4 days after and before) with multiple men. This same woman has knowingly slept with men that are in committed relationships some married (no they weren't open relationships). I have seen her get angry when the man she has been envolved with is out with his woman or has made plans to spend time with her instead of Ms.Slut.

I never wanted to be unhappy and married that is just as bad as being alone at best after the honey moon faze is up it will be just as bad. I feel like most people marry and view divorce as a way out; not many honestly see marriage as a lifetime long relationship that is to be respected and honored.

I was engaged more than once and the men treated me poorly. I was lied to by a man about major factors in his life like his parental (1yr lie kept up) and marital status(nearly 2 years lie kept up). This guy had no remorse for his lies and to this day he still doesn't. For so long he said he didn't lie he just "didn't want to tell". He out right said he had no kids even told me why; that's a lie and an elaborate lie. He was legally separated not divorced and I made all of my requirements clear must not be married and have no kids. He told me about his child after he asked me to marry him the first time and I said yes. THEN he says well "there's something you have to accept if we're guna get married".....Yep...that he has a kid. It ended and I dated someone else for a few months who was GREAT minus 2 divorces and his fear of being cheated on and divorced again. The Mr. Lies and I were on and off for 3 years. When I asked for divorce pspers he never showed them to mae always put it off, claimed he couldn't find them, threatened "If I show you we will be done!",
The comments he makes about White people this, etc....I know that is what he idolizes...even though he won't admit it. His cousin added me asked me my race first....then saw my pics and delted me...most of them have married northern european women.

I have no way out. Life is expensive especially for someone like me that has a lot to overcome. When Ms.Slut got married I was devistated and on top of that she was acting cocky about it, yuck! Snarky remarks...snooty facial expressions was terrible.

Ms.Slut has been envious towards me for the past 7 years, trying to out buy me, say something I have or like is ugly/weird then goes and gets it.
Mr.Lies has saaid/done a lot more emotionally abussive things.

I have done talking and it does not help. I can't afford therapy but from what I see online and from others it doesn't help most people in steep situations and it helps some people walk off the edge.
Fiance #2 was just using me so he wouldn't be alone as he also had a hard time having genital herpes and finding someone. He isn't bright I'd honestly say his IQ is about 80. He was mean, very short temprered, verbally abusive, dishonest about his personality and selfish.
Friends can be nice but aren't the key to happiness not for me anyway.
I wanted to be married that was a major part of my dream. After all the reading I've done online and the many dates I've gone on and the bad experiences I have had with men I don't even trust marrying anyone. Most men get way more out of maariage than women do and most of them don't even see it. I want someone that likes ME my personality, my body, my lips, my eyes, my eyebrows, my natural hair color, my tanned complected brown skin, my height, my voice, my smell, how I cook and how I dress, etc.

I crave to be vendictive, spiteful and selfish. That is something I want to experience. I noticed alot of people that are that way get what they want more often than "nice" people do. I want to do it to feel it, to possibly release some pain and to gain/have some power. So many people view "nice" people as targets and then when we speak up they attempt to scare us and or slap us down. I hate how so many people in this society has the "blame the victim" mentality or is it better noted as a syndrome.

I honestly wish suicide were easier and I honestly know that is my ownly sure way to end my pain. I want to put everyone "on blast" on my way out.
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Re: When the Pain is Too Much and Chronic or Too Often

Postby masquerade » Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:33 am

I honestly wish suicide were easier and I honestly know that is my ownly sure way to end my pain. I want to put everyone "on blast" on my way out.


Please seek help urgently for your suicidal urges. Harming people is not the answer, and you need to speak to someone urgently about this.
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Re: When the Pain is Too Much and Chronic or Too Often

Postby Mishra2012 » Thu Jun 07, 2012 2:20 am

Your response is amazing and I have honestly never had anyone respond saying anything even close to that. I have had people say I need to find myself or get to know who I am. I do know myself and I do know what most people like/prefer. I know myself very well and in fact that is part of the problem; my road is narrow because I know...now if I were of a certain look my knowing and preferences would have gotten me what I wanted years ago.

The age is very important that is part of the dream itself. Humans are social and I am one that really will be better with someone. There are people that aren't whole alone and find the "right" person and become whole/happy. Why can't that be me? I stuck with guy number two for a very short while; I let him go. I honestly don't believe any man will deserve me when I am at my best. If a "good" guy doesn't want me flawed then he doesn't derserve me whole. I have had too many people make remarks about my ethnic back ground so I know it has a lot to do with how people treat me. I have even had guys tell me how great their ex was treated by them...."for a girl like that"... I have been strong before kicking people aside that displayed warning signs and that kept me alone so I tend give up and give in to someone that is not good enough. Men value appearances A LOT and also how they are perceived( most men close to all).

I have studied psychology on my own and in college classes; so when what I learned there confirms things I have experienced, etc. there's nothing much I can do.

I would like to adopt if I continue my life. When my records from therapy are pulled that can have a negative effect on my options or approval all together. If I could seek professional therapy without giving any of my legal info aside from age and gender I would aim for that.

Self esteem is a social thing it doesn't come solely from inside of one's self. I don't want to be dilusional. I know as far as how I treat my partners how my personality is I deserve a good match that is a good man and someone I also am attracted to and like. I want a certain lifestyle I can't have that alone nor with someone that isn't what I want.

I have social anxiety and it started when I was about 8 years old. It wouldn't be too much of a burden if other "pluses" were there but they aren't.

I do like how I look. My only issue is my size and that is easy to fix especially when I'm not super depressed/stressed. i wouldn't mind a bit more defined nose. My nose to me is ok but I know a lot of people see it as ugly or not but just not fitting as to what they conform to. Most men complain about my face and my skin not my size(8/9).

So I can become successful alone, get a nose job, stay out of the sun have an awesome body and then just stay alone because I know me I will not accept being with any one man once I have all that not because of lack of wanting to be mongamous but because I know how those men would have treated me otherwise.

In reality I will most likely off myself eventually. I gave myself this year of 2012 to find a good match for me and get married or to see myself out.

A lot of people want to tear people that like themselves down. Just that alone hurts me not what they say but why they say it their aim/goal. I'm the type of person that gets a bit sad when I see a sad stranger, a lonely elderly person, a lost child, someone being picked on/yelled at/talked down to.
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Re: When the Pain is Too Much and Chronic or Too Often

Postby Mishra2012 » Sun Jun 10, 2012 11:54 am

The original response has been drastically edited or deleted it seems.
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Re: When the Pain is Too Much and Chronic or Too Often

Postby masquerade » Tue Jun 12, 2012 2:23 pm

Yes, because upon reading it again, I saw the bit at the bottom of the post and wanted to get my message across, in a way that wouldn't be missed, that the person needed to seek help urgently. Hun, I am going to add to my post with some feedback for you when I get back as I am about to log off now.

Please stay safe.
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Re: When the Pain is Too Much and Chronic or Too Often

Postby masquerade » Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:20 am

Please ring this number if you feel suicidal. There is help available. Harming yourself and others is not the answer.

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
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