I have spent years trying to be okay and find happiness. I have not succeeded. Often when I am okay and kinda "happy" someone new enters my life and ruins it.
I have so many strikes agianst me, female, part Black and it shows, have high morals and old school values as far as romantic relationships go. On top of all that I have genital herpes and the majority of the type of men I am attracted to physically(racially/ethnically) and culturally are not attracted to me and many of those that are would not marry me for my Blackness alone...add genital viral disease to that.
I have a disfunctional family. I was abused in many ways growning up.
I planned to be married no later than the age of 25 and am now more than a year over that mark. I know a woman that is highly permiscuous, unfaithful when in a relationship recently married and cheated right before and right after the marriage (as 1to4 days after and before) with multiple men. This same woman has knowingly slept with men that are in committed relationships some married (no they weren't open relationships). I have seen her get angry when the man she has been envolved with is out with his woman or has made plans to spend time with her instead of Ms.Slut.
I never wanted to be unhappy and married that is just as bad as being alone at best after the honey moon faze is up it will be just as bad. I feel like most people marry and view divorce as a way out; not many honestly see marriage as a lifetime long relationship that is to be respected and honored.
I was engaged more than once and the men treated me poorly. I was lied to by a man about major factors in his life like his parental (1yr lie kept up) and marital status(nearly 2 years lie kept up). This guy had no remorse for his lies and to this day he still doesn't. For so long he said he didn't lie he just "didn't want to tell". He out right said he had no kids even told me why; that's a lie and an elaborate lie. He was legally separated not divorced and I made all of my requirements clear must not be married and have no kids. He told me about his child after he asked me to marry him the first time and I said yes. THEN he says well "there's something you have to accept if we're guna get married".....Yep...that he has a kid. It ended and I dated someone else for a few months who was GREAT minus 2 divorces and his fear of being cheated on and divorced again. The Mr. Lies and I were on and off for 3 years. When I asked for divorce pspers he never showed them to mae always put it off, claimed he couldn't find them, threatened "If I show you we will be done!",
The comments he makes about White people this, etc....I know that is what he idolizes...even though he won't admit it. His cousin added me asked me my race first....then saw my pics and delted me...most of them have married northern european women.
I have no way out. Life is expensive especially for someone like me that has a lot to overcome. When Ms.Slut got married I was devistated and on top of that she was acting cocky about it, yuck! Snarky remarks...snooty facial expressions was terrible.
Ms.Slut has been envious towards me for the past 7 years, trying to out buy me, say something I have or like is ugly/weird then goes and gets it.
Mr.Lies has saaid/done a lot more emotionally abussive things.
I have done talking and it does not help. I can't afford therapy but from what I see online and from others it doesn't help most people in steep situations and it helps some people walk off the edge.
Fiance #2 was just using me so he wouldn't be alone as he also had a hard time having genital herpes and finding someone. He isn't bright I'd honestly say his IQ is about 80. He was mean, very short temprered, verbally abusive, dishonest about his personality and selfish.
Friends can be nice but aren't the key to happiness not for me anyway.
I wanted to be married that was a major part of my dream. After all the reading I've done online and the many dates I've gone on and the bad experiences I have had with men I don't even trust marrying anyone. Most men get way more out of maariage than women do and most of them don't even see it. I want someone that likes ME my personality, my body, my lips, my eyes, my eyebrows, my natural hair color, my tanned complected brown skin, my height, my voice, my smell, how I cook and how I dress, etc.
I crave to be vendictive, spiteful and selfish. That is something I want to experience. I noticed alot of people that are that way get what they want more often than "nice" people do. I want to do it to feel it, to possibly release some pain and to gain/have some power. So many people view "nice" people as targets and then when we speak up they attempt to scare us and or slap us down. I hate how so many people in this society has the "blame the victim" mentality or is it better noted as a syndrome.
I honestly wish suicide were easier and I honestly know that is my ownly sure way to end my pain. I want to put everyone "on blast" on my way out.