Our partner

Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Open Discussions about Relationship Issues.

Moderators: masquerade, xdude

Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Postby Andrew1991 » Thu May 17, 2012 4:58 pm

First I'm going to give some background information. I am a rising junior in college and my girlfriend is a rising sophomore. I'll give her story first to lead into ours.
At the beginning of her freshman year, she was raped. She was a virgin. She let the guy into her room, willingly kissed him, and said she did not want to have sex. he proceeded to force her to have sex after she denied him and tried to get him to leave. She reported it to the school about two weeks after, but never to the police. She had, before that, tried to convince herself that it didn't happen, that her rapist (kyle) loved her and cared about her. The school went into an investigation into the issue. In the meantime, her self esteem plummeted, she started cutting (she had before because of an abusive relationship and an alcoholic mother). She became promiscuous and had four one night stands and several hookups, which earned some terrible nicknames around campus, leading to her to feeling more worthless and more depressed.

I met her when she first was reassigned rooms (she literally never slept in the room, she couldn't handle sleeping in the bed she was raped in) as her big sister in her sorority asked me to help carry some of the heavier items. I was a Fraternity douche bag, who drank all the time, used hard drugs occasionally, would have one night stands, but, was always a gentleman. ( I know, that may be difficult for some people to understand, but it was an accurate description of me). Later my girlfriend (still an acquaintance at this point) came to my Fraternities formal as a pledge's date. She proceeded to talk to me about what had happened, and I told her if I could ever do anything for her, to just let me know. A week later she asked me to please come talk to her as she was highly stressed out. I still remember seeing the word "lost" carved into her wrist. I became a support system for her, a friend to talk to, the one who would hold her when she was crying about, who would calm her down and tell her she was beautiful when she wanted to scrub herself because she felt filthy and unclean. She was still "hooking up" but not having sex with guys anymore, as she was trying to improve mentally.

Our relationship was strained as often she would hook up with me one night and someone else the next. Although I wanted to have sex, and she would have, I did not, because I was worried about her trauma because of the rape. Another was not so understanding(Dave), convinced her to have sex and tried to get her to have a threesome with himself and a male friend. The day after, I checked her into the hospital because we both thought that was the best decision, as she was a danger to herself. She was in the psych ward for several days. I visited her every day, packed her clothes from her room, brought her presents (including an orange [color for recovering self injurers] butterfly [method she used to not cut]). She missed several finals and had to get several classes voided from her transcript because of this.

It was then winter break, and we talked alot, it was clear I wanted to be in a relationship with her, but she wasn't sure, she wasn't sure if she was ready, she wasn't sure if she could handle it. I knew emotionally I couldn't handle it if she continued doing what should was doing to me. She decided to be with me, and we were both instantly happier. She was doing well in school, I wasn't touching drugs, and we were in a great state.

Then at her sororities crush, someone had invited her rapist. The girl who invited him did not know of the situation. This was the beginning of some more issues. Later, my girlfriend found out that the case was not being pursued by the school.
She was informed the day after valentines day. She became upset, and cheated on me by having a threesome with (Dave) the guy who had tried to get her to before, and his friend. She had sex with both of them on independent occasions afterwards. I found out very soon afterwards, although most of campus/our acquaintances did not find out, I did. Having meaningless sex with someone who degraded her (Dave and others) was a form of self injury for her.

Both of these guys were in a Fraternity, and a fraternity that I had many friends in and would often hang out at. When I confronted my girlfriend I was very angry, I called her a sl*t and a wh*re , and she begged for my forgiveness. I screamed at her and made her feel worse on purpose. I lashed out because I didn't know what to do. I had never cared about someone as much as I CARE about her.

I nearly broke up with her, but we set up an appointment with a therapist specializing in rape victims and I decided to give that a shot. My girlfriend gave me a list of "restrictions" she would follow, and I added to them and became highly controlling and manipulative. I also began drinking heavily, frequently, and doing drugs again. After about a month of this, she almost broke up with me. she was terrified that if she did one thing wrong, if she screwed up one little thing, I was going to end it.

She didn't break up with me, and things greatly improved. We continued seeing the therapist, and things got a lot better. Then, for some reason, our sex life essentially halted to a stop. This made me feel very insecure. I began wondering why she cheated, if I am good enough for her, If she was still attracted to me, and many other things I though I had gotten over after the cheating but kept on coming up because I felt as though this was my fault or that this is what caused the cheating. I have had confidence issues after the cheating, things like "am I enough of a man" and "is she attracted to me" and other similar issues. I

Now it is summer break, and we live a very long distance away, and I don't think that she would cheat on me, but I am worried about our relationship. I am worried about her being in a bad situation at home, and that effecting our relationship. I love this girl and have poured my heart and soul into this relationship, but I don't know what to do. She is at home and frustrated with her family, and often gets upset and takes it out on me, almost always unknowingly. i love this girl to death and want this to work, But I need some advice.

As a note: She has received huge amounts of counselling, group therapy, DBT, I have been seeing a therapist as well, and as mentioned we saw a counselor together. She (the counselor) specialized in relationships with rape victims. I do not want post just saying "dump her ass" if you think I should end it, please state why. I am trying this relationship, but I would appreciate any incite someone could give.
Andrew1991
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2011 8:02 am
Local time: Sun Dec 21, 2014 3:26 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Postby tomacco » Sat May 19, 2012 6:21 pm

Maybe it is easier to make an decision, if you are honest and look what is left over if her issues would be gone. What is "she", when all this would dissapear? Is there something? Means, i know rape victims, and as long as they are doing the cheating stuff and have multiple sexual partners (not all victims do that, but some do), they are really in a bad condition, even they might appear "healthy" to the outside.

So the thing is, as long as she is not getting better, she is not really her at the moment. So what you "love" now will dissapear with high chance, the better she gets. What you have now is "the product" of her issues, but not her as she would be without these.

Keep your emotions aside, and use your brain. What advise would you give me, if i was you and ask your questions? And yes, that what you would say is right, even it hurts. To be honest, love does not mean to feel stressed in a relationship. And it does not mean to save one from his issues.

That will help her too, as she needs to trust in herself and others again. But that is just possible, if her actions have consequences. As long as her actions have good consequences, she needs no change. Means, she gonna cheat on somebody as long as she finds someone to cheat on. Only if she loses people right away when cheating, she gonna change. This must not mean to leave her all alone, but you should not stay her boyfriend when you are not much more than this Dave guy and the others. She would not do what she is doing if you were more to her. At this moment nobody is special to her.

I guess she needs someone who stays with her, who supports her at times, but does not treat her like a baby. And as long as she has not healed enough, she will not be able to have healthy relationships with intimacy involved. She gonna need people who are there and hold contact, but do not set her under pressure. That means, the question is, if you want to give without getting something back and with the risk, that once healed nothing in common between you both will be left over. The only way that this works is, when you find yourself a better life and reorganize your relation to her.

Be honest, you did not fell in love with her, but with the idea to rescue her. She will not be rescued by anyone, she needs to rescue herself. Trying to rescue her will make her suffering last, because she will feel guilty whenever she develops. She has such a low self-esteem, that she gonna fear that without her issues, there is nothing left to be loved. Holding the contact, but living your own life, can be a chance for her. Cos normality is what she wants, and if she has contact to someone who provides this, that is way better than someone who dives into her ocean of madness.

Remember, love is a good feeling. If the "love" to her makes you feel worse than in times, when you did not know her, than it can not be love what you feel. And we all just got one life, why waste it on suffering? Where is your self-esteem? Yes, she had a hard time, but you are not responsible for that, and the suffering after the rape is all self-made by her. As long as no one opens her eyes for that, she can not heal. She was a victim, yes, but today she is a victim of herself only, she needs to understand this, otherwise she will not heal, but repeat her trauma constantly.

Do not just talk, act! Means, when you feel hurted by her cheating on you, than do not shout at her (what is only talking), but end the relation. Because face it, if she had not that rape history, you would already dumped her, because she would have no "excuse". If you want her to heal, treat her with respect. That means, show her that she is not just illness, but a human, who is responsible for his own life and who is responsible for the consequences. If she does not want to be hurt, she should not hurt others, that simple. And when it hurts you that she cheats on you, you should act like you would act, if she was "sane". She will understand that, if not today, latest when she heals.

And that could be the beginning for a true lasting relation between you both, when she realizes that you did not use her in her weakest times, that you still saw her and not what she was made.
tomacco
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Sat May 19, 2012 10:08 am
Local time: Sun Dec 21, 2014 10:26 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Postby Little Boy Lost » Sun May 20, 2012 5:00 pm

You never speculate about whether her rape happened or she made it all up. How do you know she didn't lie? There is no investigation, nobody else was there, she took weeks to report the incident, etc. Maybe she has a need for sympathy and when she cheated on you because she was drunk, horny, she was down on you for some reason, she put the imaginary rape to use for herself the second time.

Did she mention that she cheated or did someone else mention it to you?
“It is not to be thought that the life of darkness is sunk in misery and lost as if in sorrowing. There is no sorrowing. For sorrow is a thing that is swallowed up in death, and death and dying are the very life of the darkness.”
― Jacob Boehme
User avatar
Little Boy Lost
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2102
Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:52 pm
Local time: Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:26 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Postby Andrew1991 » Sun May 20, 2012 11:06 pm

Little Boy Lost wrote:You never speculate about whether her rape happened or she made it all up. How do you know she didn't lie? There is no investigation, nobody else was there, she took weeks to report the incident, etc. Maybe she has a need for sympathy and when she cheated on you because she was drunk, horny, she was down on you for some reason, she put the imaginary rape to use for herself the second time.

Did she mention that she cheated or did someone else mention it to you?


I'm certain she was raped, and it was someone else. She participates in many things for rape victims as well, she has gone through the story with me. Additionally, other girls that have been with the accused have said that he has been pushy, tried to push them to do more and they left, and had unwanted touching.
Andrew1991
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2011 8:02 am
Local time: Sun Dec 21, 2014 3:26 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Postby guyver280z » Mon May 28, 2012 5:34 am

I once dated a girl who told me she was abused by her uncle when she was younger, I felt so bad for her that I actually fell more for her... but she turned out to be way too damaged by that and some other stuff in her life that she became a weight on my back instead of something to love. Too much drama for me, and she ended up not even knowing what she wanted in life... I had to pass on her... sorry :(
guyver280z
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 37
Joined: Mon May 14, 2012 2:55 pm
Local time: Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:26 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Postby papasmurphie » Wed May 30, 2012 9:41 pm

That's some hard stuff....
papasmurphie
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed May 30, 2012 9:22 pm
Local time: Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:26 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Postby jayrunner007 » Thu Nov 08, 2012 3:34 pm

i cant offer much in advice i am in a very similar situation as your i reacted to the cheating in the same way and it just hurt the relationship, the taking control, and the self doubt that came with it, something that i tried was just setting down some guild line when dealing with the opposite sex that we both would follow. and i just forced myself to trust her and now i take everything she says as the truth and it is helping a little, a big problem that i have faced with my fiance is that after she cheated she blames herself for hurting me and she doesn't see how i can love her after what she did, i have been with her for 4 years and every day is a struggle. i would be interested in thing you and your girl try and if it works , just remind her every day that you love her

james
jayrunner007
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2012 3:23 pm
Local time: Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:26 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Dating a rape victim and she cheated.

Postby SteveValanch » Thu Nov 08, 2012 9:48 pm

You desperately wish you had never met her, dont you.
SteveValanch
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:24 pm
Local time: Sun Dec 21, 2014 8:26 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Relationship Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 61 guests

cron