First I'm going to give some background information. I am a rising junior in college and my girlfriend is a rising sophomore. I'll give her story first to lead into ours.
At the beginning of her freshman year, she was raped. She was a virgin. She let the guy into her room, willingly kissed him, and said she did not want to have sex. he proceeded to force her to have sex after she denied him and tried to get him to leave. She reported it to the school about two weeks after, but never to the police. She had, before that, tried to convince herself that it didn't happen, that her rapist (kyle) loved her and cared about her. The school went into an investigation into the issue. In the meantime, her self esteem plummeted, she started cutting (she had before because of an abusive relationship and an alcoholic mother). She became promiscuous and had four one night stands and several hookups, which earned some terrible nicknames around campus, leading to her to feeling more worthless and more depressed.
I met her when she first was reassigned rooms (she literally never slept in the room, she couldn't handle sleeping in the bed she was raped in) as her big sister in her sorority asked me to help carry some of the heavier items. I was a Fraternity douche bag, who drank all the time, used hard drugs occasionally, would have one night stands, but, was always a gentleman. ( I know, that may be difficult for some people to understand, but it was an accurate description of me). Later my girlfriend (still an acquaintance at this point) came to my Fraternities formal as a pledge's date. She proceeded to talk to me about what had happened, and I told her if I could ever do anything for her, to just let me know. A week later she asked me to please come talk to her as she was highly stressed out. I still remember seeing the word "lost" carved into her wrist. I became a support system for her, a friend to talk to, the one who would hold her when she was crying about, who would calm her down and tell her she was beautiful when she wanted to scrub herself because she felt filthy and unclean. She was still "hooking up" but not having sex with guys anymore, as she was trying to improve mentally.
Our relationship was strained as often she would hook up with me one night and someone else the next. Although I wanted to have sex, and she would have, I did not, because I was worried about her trauma because of the rape. Another was not so understanding(Dave), convinced her to have sex and tried to get her to have a threesome with himself and a male friend. The day after, I checked her into the hospital because we both thought that was the best decision, as she was a danger to herself. She was in the psych ward for several days. I visited her every day, packed her clothes from her room, brought her presents (including an orange [color for recovering self injurers] butterfly [method she used to not cut]). She missed several finals and had to get several classes voided from her transcript because of this.
It was then winter break, and we talked alot, it was clear I wanted to be in a relationship with her, but she wasn't sure, she wasn't sure if she was ready, she wasn't sure if she could handle it. I knew emotionally I couldn't handle it if she continued doing what should was doing to me. She decided to be with me, and we were both instantly happier. She was doing well in school, I wasn't touching drugs, and we were in a great state.
Then at her sororities crush, someone had invited her rapist. The girl who invited him did not know of the situation. This was the beginning of some more issues. Later, my girlfriend found out that the case was not being pursued by the school.
She was informed the day after valentines day. She became upset, and cheated on me by having a threesome with (Dave) the guy who had tried to get her to before, and his friend. She had sex with both of them on independent occasions afterwards. I found out very soon afterwards, although most of campus/our acquaintances did not find out, I did. Having meaningless sex with someone who degraded her (Dave and others) was a form of self injury for her.
Both of these guys were in a Fraternity, and a fraternity that I had many friends in and would often hang out at. When I confronted my girlfriend I was very angry, I called her a sl*t and a wh*re , and she begged for my forgiveness. I screamed at her and made her feel worse on purpose. I lashed out because I didn't know what to do. I had never cared about someone as much as I CARE about her.
I nearly broke up with her, but we set up an appointment with a therapist specializing in rape victims and I decided to give that a shot. My girlfriend gave me a list of "restrictions" she would follow, and I added to them and became highly controlling and manipulative. I also began drinking heavily, frequently, and doing drugs again. After about a month of this, she almost broke up with me. she was terrified that if she did one thing wrong, if she screwed up one little thing, I was going to end it.
She didn't break up with me, and things greatly improved. We continued seeing the therapist, and things got a lot better. Then, for some reason, our sex life essentially halted to a stop. This made me feel very insecure. I began wondering why she cheated, if I am good enough for her, If she was still attracted to me, and many other things I though I had gotten over after the cheating but kept on coming up because I felt as though this was my fault or that this is what caused the cheating. I have had confidence issues after the cheating, things like "am I enough of a man" and "is she attracted to me" and other similar issues. I
Now it is summer break, and we live a very long distance away, and I don't think that she would cheat on me, but I am worried about our relationship. I am worried about her being in a bad situation at home, and that effecting our relationship. I love this girl and have poured my heart and soul into this relationship, but I don't know what to do. She is at home and frustrated with her family, and often gets upset and takes it out on me, almost always unknowingly. i love this girl to death and want this to work, But I need some advice.
As a note: She has received huge amounts of counselling, group therapy, DBT, I have been seeing a therapist as well, and as mentioned we saw a counselor together. She (the counselor) specialized in relationships with rape victims. I do not want post just saying "dump her ass" if you think I should end it, please state why. I am trying this relationship, but I would appreciate any incite someone could give.