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What is the best way to get an ex-girlfriend back?

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What is the best way to get an ex-girlfriend back?

Postby greektitan » Sun Jan 22, 2012 8:11 pm

I have been separated from my ex-girlfriend for about three years now. I have tried to get over her and it doesn't work. We have a daughter together, so I think part of the problem is that I am in fairly regular contact with her, so that makes it very difficult for those feelings to go away. She's the one too, I have never loved another girl as much as I love her. I know it must be possible to win her back even though so much time has passed. She says she doesn't like me, she's not in love with me, she wants anybody but me, and that she'll never take me back no matter what I do. All of this makes it feel hopeless of course but I'd like to think that it's not. Over the past several months as recently as about two months ago, she was flirting with me, I wasn't sure so I asked my therapist who is a woman, being a woman I thought she would have some insight into this kind of behavior, and she said my ex-girlfriend was definitely flirting with me, but that stopped a couple months ago so maybe she has lost interest. Just the other day she said she likes me a little, and she bought me something to eat and said something about that being a loving thing to do, so in a roundabout way she said she loves me I think. She is worried that I'll die since I am considerably overweight about 270 pounds overweight so that's quite a lot. So I guess she cares a little, but she won't give me hugs never says she loves me, even though I say it all the time and maybe I should stop. If she stops hearing it maybe she'll miss it, but I think she wants me to lose interest, she said that I should move on or something like that. I'm so dependent on her for feelings of self-worth that it's unhealthy I guess, I need to figure out a way to feel good about myself and find happiness on my own without needing the love and adoration of someone I have feelings for.

So I really do want to get back together with my ex-girlfriend, but I need to make some changes, part of why I want her back is so that our daughter will have her parents together, and so I can spend more time with my daughter, since I would be living there. So I'm thinking if I lose weight that is visible proof that I am capable of change. My ex-girlfriend met me when I weighed about 120 pounds less than I do. She is not fat at all and she's beautiful too, so I don't know how I got up the courage to even talk to her, but I did, and I guess I came off confident, I think she was head over heals in love with me at one time. I made a whole lot of mistakes when we were together, neglect being one of the big ones, while she was pregnant and after our daughter was born I spent too much time doing other things, I was out a lot, and that was huge mistake, I wasn't there when she needed me.

What I really want to know is if any of you know of proven techniques to get an ex-girlfriend back? Either online or a book, or something? If there is an online forum or website preferably a free one that would be a lot of help and I appreciate any help any of you can offer. Thanks!
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Re: What is the best way to get an ex-girlfriend back?

Postby masquerade » Mon Jan 23, 2012 8:29 am

Hi. I'm really sorry that you're feeling bad at the moment. It is almost like a bereavement when a relationship ends, and as in a loss from a bereavement, the person suffering the loss will usually go through seven stages of grief.

Quote"Typically, the seven (7) stages of grief are described as:
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope

Sometimes, people speak of five (5) stages of grieving, putting together:
- Shock/Disbelief and Denial
- Bargaining and Guilt" unquote
proactivechange.com/therapy/grief-stages.htm

Eventually, as the person works through these stages, which may not necessarily occur in that order, he/she will come to a point of acceptance and hope, and find a way forward. The various stages may be revisited from time to time, or a person may linger particularly longer over one stage. It is often useful to enlist the help of a therapist to work through these stages.

It sounds as if this is what may be happening to you, and that you are caught in the stages of shock, disbelief and denial. You also say:
" I'm so dependent on her for feelings of self-worth that it's unhealthy I guess, I need to figure out a way to feel good about myself and find happiness on my own without needing the love and adoration of someone I have feelings for.

So I really do want to get back together with my ex-girlfriend, but I need to make some changes, part of why I want her back is so that our daughter will have her parents together, and so I can spend more time with my daughter, since I would be living there. " unquote

To be dependent upon a person for feelings of self worth is, as you say, unhealthy. This is not the same as love. No person can give you feelings of self worth. They have to come from within. You also say that one of the reasons you want to get back with her is so that you can spend more time with your daughter, as you would be living there. Again, this is not really a good reason to get back with a partner. This would not be healthy for your daughter.

Love cannot be forced. You can't force your ex to love you or to come back to you. You can't depend upon her for your self esteem. It might be a good idea to seek therapy for help in developing self esteem, from discovering where your feelings of low self esteem originated from initially - childhood perhaps. A therapist can also help you work through your feelings of loss, and help you to arrive at the final stage of grief, in which you can find a sense of hope.

I'm sorry if this was not what you wanted to hear. Sadly, no one can force a person to come back if they have made up their minds to separate. It's important that you're kind to yourself, treat yourself well, and find ways of enriching your life. In time, the pain will not be so severe, and you will find hope, and a renewed sense of self esteem.
http://youtu.be/myyITD5LWo4

http://youtu.be/IaBLhoWTkMI

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Re: What is the best way to get an ex-girlfriend back?

Postby greektitan » Mon Jan 23, 2012 3:08 pm

I know I cannot force her to take me back or love me, but I can certainly influence how she feels about me. I can control myself and how I interact with her. She was being flirtatious fairly recently and the other day she said she love me in a roundabout way, although I'm not trying to make too much of it. A previous therapist told me she heard about a couple that got divorced didn't talk for a few years, started talking again and a year or two after that they got back together. So it is possible after a long separation to regain a lost relationship. One thing that I can agree on you with is acceptance. I have read some things about getting back an ex and they said that getting over the breakup is the first step in getting them back, that and limited contact, if kids are involved, it gives them a chance to miss you.
I am feeling hopeless, I'm just not ready to give up yet. I just started seeing a new therapist and she said acceptance is not the same as giving up. I guess what I have going for me is that I do have regular contact with my ex-girlfriend, so she will be able to see me change for the better. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I am in contact with my ex-girlfriend, if we didn't have a daughter together, I would probably be over her by now. I just want the suffering to end.
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Re: What is the best way to get an ex-girlfriend back?

Postby masquerade » Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:29 pm

Sorry to hear that you're suffering like this. Having regular contact because of your daughter means that you can't just have closure and no contact. Seeing her regularly like this must reinforce your feelings every time you see her.

It is a good idea to work on yourself, to make your life as full as you possibly can, find interests and things to do that won't make you depend on her so much. This will have the effect of lessening the feelings of dependency, show your ex that you have a life outside of the old relationship, make you a more interesting person to speak to, and may or may not make your more attractive to your ex. It can do no harm to fill your life in this way. It would also ease the feelings of loss if your ex doesn't want you back.

Are you in a position where you can talk to her about your feelings?
http://youtu.be/myyITD5LWo4

http://youtu.be/IaBLhoWTkMI

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Re: What is the best way to get an ex-girlfriend back?

Postby okherewego212 » Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:20 pm

"If you love someone, set them free. If they truly love you, they will come back".

I think the key is, to get on with your own life and work on you. Not her. In other words let her go..build your independence, your own life, become healthier and gain self confidence. Once you feel ready, go date others. Get on with your own life. At least than you will be more attractive to her, and if she doesn't come back, you will at least have your own life. I wouldn't risk your happiness or hold your breath, waiting for her.

The harder you try to make her want you, the more you will push her away.

Set her free.....and take it from there.

OK
Last edited by okherewego212 on Mon Jan 23, 2012 6:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: What is the best way to get an ex-girlfriend back?

Postby greektitan » Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:34 pm

I don't know that I can talk about my feelings to her. I know I can't talk to her about getting back together with her, I have done that too much and she sees it as harassment not and says that it hurts her when I do it. I did tell her in an e-mail when she says she will never take me back, and she wants anyone but me, that hearing those things are very damaging to me, even if it's true it doesn't need to be said.


She has told me that if she wants me back she will let me know. She has also said that she won't take me back to protect herself. I think the main problems is that she does not trust me, and seems to feel like if she lets herself get close to me again that I will just hurt her again, which is absolutely not how it is, but I can tell her that all day, if I don't show her that I won't hurt her nothing I say will convince her otherwise. She said the other day that she doesn't want to like me either, maybe I am reading too much into it, but it seems like she is holding back and won't allow herself to like me, maybe she would like to be able to like me again or love me again, but doesn't feel safe letting herself do that? She did say she likes me a little the other day. Usually she says she doesn't like me and no matter what I do that will never change. If it's true that now is the only thing that's real, then I don't buy it that she will never like me again or never be in love with me again. These things cannot be known, you can guess how you will feel about someone in the future but that's the extent of it. I don't know how I will feel about something five minutes from now, I could stop having feelings for her a week from now, but that doesn't mean they will never come back. I imagine people who are married or in long term relationships, might feel at time that they don't love their partner anymore or at least don't feel close to them, but later on they feel close again, I know that is true of me. I was with someone for 10 years once and the feelings came and went, I think that's just how it works sometimes.

I know what I need to do is work on the trust issue a lot, not bugging her about getting back together will help a lot, it will do two things, help build trust again, since she will see I have stopped doing something that I know hurts her, and the other thing it will do is show her that I respect her. So I don't know my therapist doesn't seem to think it's hopeless. She said acceptance is not the same as giving up so I think she is telling I don't need to give up on the idea, but acceptance of how things are right now will help feel ok with how things are and bring me some relief which is what I really need.

-- Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:43 pm --

Something funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIvIEF19nm0
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